Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I break it to inlaws? Or unfriend on FB?

39 replies

MopedManiac · 26/02/2017 18:18

So it's been a month since all hell broke loose and STBXH was arrested, released without charge and I haven't seen him since.

He requested the kids not to mention separation to his parents (old, frail and doesn't want to worry them.. blah blah blah).

I haven't spoken to MIL (we used to be quite close but I have talked less and less over the last year ironically) and have been very quiet on Facebook this last month while dealing with things.

I posted some pics (I took myself on a little o'night break) and she's liked and commented on them. Clearly she has no clue as she seemed to presume it was the whole family!

Do I tell her? Do I unfriend her on FB? While I don't want to shout the abuse from the rooftops it's annoying that I have to censor myself from my friends, whose support I could do with right now but I daren't tell in case they accidently spill the beans...

WWYD?

OP posts:
happypoobum · 26/02/2017 18:20

Can you not tell her without giving her all the gory details?

I think it is unacceptable that you cannot get full support in RL and wonder if he is using this as a way of keeping his reputation intact?

kaitlinktm · 26/02/2017 18:21

You can adjust your settings so that your posts are only shared with, say, friends but not acquaintances, and then alter your MIL's status to acquaintance and what you are sharing won't appear on her timeline.

Not sure if she could go onto your page and view it though.

I have done this with someone on my FB. It seems to work - they never comment on my posts.

ReggaeShark · 26/02/2017 18:22

I'd unfriend them if it were me.

kaitlinktm · 26/02/2017 18:22

If it doesn't work then I think you have to unfriend - and if she questions it, then you just tell her.

RedAndYellowPeppers · 26/02/2017 18:23

I can tell you what I would NOT do: unfriending her on FB, telling her over FB or text.

My preferred option would be to tell her BUT your STBEX obviously has issues so I would consider that too (as in would telling his parents put you at risk, what about the dcs etc)
I'm wondering why he doesn't tell his own parents....

RedAndYellowPeppers · 26/02/2017 18:26

Btw I don't see the relationship between you not telling your (ex)MIL and not getting support from friends.
Your ex doesn't want you to tell them, fine don't if you don't want to.
But he just cannot stop people from talking and you well within yur rights to talk to your friends.
If yur MIL then hears about it, then it would be his responsibility not to have done it himself before.
You could also take the stance that you quite like her and want to protect her in some ways by telling her even though youR ex doesn't want to. But the fact your MIL isn't supposed to know should notbstop you from speaking to other people.

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2017 18:29

If you have any kind of feeling for her at all then you can't just unfriend her with no explanation! Tell her the truth.

LilQueenie · 26/02/2017 18:31

if you havent seen him since then its not your problem its his. sounds as if he wont say anything himself and is being cowardly.

Original poster
MopedManiac · 26/02/2017 18:36

I think its coming from a couple of places, RedAndYellowPeppers:

  1. To add complexity we own (jointly) the house they live in (overseas). So as soon as he tells them they'll get worried about me wanting to sell up (to get my half) and chucking them out. (Also why I haven't said anything).
  2. He's not very close with them (or anyone for that matter) - doesn't like people knowing "his business".
  3. To protect his reputation perhaps?

I do have feeling for her, which is why I'm concerned about her hearing on the grapevine...

OP posts:
ratspeaker · 26/02/2017 18:37

Why does he get to dictate what you can or cant tell his parents?
You have a right to support from friends and to be able to discuss being seperated.

D give the inlaws a call and say you have seperated, you dont need to give all the details.
Mind you similar happened to a friend of mine, her ILs said they weren't going to believe it til the ex told them himself!

Nanny0gg · 26/02/2017 18:49

Are you going to want their house sold?

Original poster
MopedManiac · 26/02/2017 19:12

No. It's not like he could buy out my half. His dad is quite unwell and we had already discussed that once he passed we'd look at selling and setting her up in a small flat. That part of it will be on his shoulders now.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 26/02/2017 19:19

I wouldn't just unfriend / block her. She hasn't done anything wrong, so why be unkind?

I would let her know that you have split up. His desire for silence has got fuck all to do with protecting his parents, he just wants to hide the fact that he's behaved so badly. It seems that previously your relationship with her was good - can you not continue to have a good relationship? You are still the mother of her grandchildren.

Apologies, if there is a back story that I'm not aware of.

Original poster
MopedManiac · 26/02/2017 19:34

I guess I'm dragging my heels as I don't want to be the bearer of bad news and I also don't know what his reaction will be when she then contacts him about it. But what I guess this means is that 1) I can reassure them that I'm not the bitchy ex wife who wants my half of 'their' house and 2) he, at least, hasn't already painted me in that light to them.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 26/02/2017 19:39

Exactly - can you imagine what he'd tell them? Hopefully you can maintain a good relationship with them, if you tell them yourself.

Original poster
MopedManiac · 27/02/2017 07:52

Righto - I'm going to phone tonight. It took a good 5 minutes of sobbing into the phone to be able to tell my Mum! I have no idea how this call will go...

OP posts:
ratspeaker · 27/02/2017 09:26

I think you are wise to tell them before he gets his version in. He may have already said something or wants to be seen ina better light , I think thats what my friends ex thought "don't let on until she was moved into new house and keeping ds in school then , well, look they're settled there and I need to work elsewhere, not my fault..."
You can also say you have no intention of forcing them out of thier home.

Was he a controlling person?

Original poster
MopedManiac · 27/02/2017 19:18

In hindsight (20-20 vision and all that) yes he was. It was so gradual and so long term. Things escalated a month ago and I got the biggest wake up call of my life!

As a friend said today I may be protecting her (from hearing on the grapevine) but what I am also doing is protecting him! And she's right. Protecting him from having to have an uncomfortable conversation with his parents, from having his actions exposed.

OP posts:
ratspeaker · 27/02/2017 19:24

You have a wise friend, she's right.

Original poster
MopedManiac · 27/02/2017 22:03

Arghh! Time ticking on so slowly... waiting for the time zones to align so I don't wake her with the news; give her a chance to have her coffee first. I'm getting tired and losing my nerve...

OP posts:
FourToTheFloor · 27/02/2017 22:07

Stay strong OP. It's the right thing to do Flowers

Itsafunnyoldgame · 27/02/2017 22:16

Good luck op!x

DartmoorDoughnut · 27/02/2017 22:19

Good luck, hope it goes ok Flowers

JakeBallardswife · 27/02/2017 22:21

Good luck OP XX

Topuptheglass · 27/02/2017 22:23

Good luck moped.