Do I break it to inlaws? Or unfriend on FB?

[MopedManiac]

So it's been a month since all hell broke loose and STBXH was arrested, released without charge and I haven't seen him since.

He requested the kids not to mention separation to his parents (old, frail and doesn't want to worry them.. blah blah blah).

I haven't spoken to MIL (we used to be quite close but I have talked less and less over the last year ironically) and have been very quiet on Facebook this last month while dealing with things.

I posted some pics (I took myself on a little o'night break) and she's liked and commented on them. Clearly she has no clue as she seemed to presume it was the whole family!

Do I tell her? Do I unfriend her on FB? While I don't want to shout the abuse from the rooftops it's annoying that I have to censor myself from my friends, whose support I could do with right now but I daren't tell in case they accidently spill the beans...

WWYD?

[MopedManiac]

I'm also getting worried as to his reaction- will this set things off? I've been dragging my heels re sorting things formally regarding contact with the DCs and financially unentangling things (mostly coz the bills are in my name but paid from the joint account). He's been very sensible with spending (I've been keeping an eye on it via Internet banking).

I've been too encumbered by dealing with the trauma he put me through and grieving for the relationship I thought I had signed on for. In no way will I ever take him back. I gave him all of me (every last piece) and he used me, abused me and in the end hurt me beyond anything I would have thought him capable of. It's definitely over.

I guess it's just the finality of it and the realisation that I really am on my own - that I'm going to have to pull up my big girl pants and get on with it. That I can't go on in the fog I've been surviving in (brain protection mode) that I was for the past year (maybe even longer)....

Sigh...

[NeverTwerkNaked]

Re Facebook - don't play out your life in Public. Set a private setting for the friends you really will draw support from and just share things with those few

Re his parents - I think they do need to know. But be wary here, my Ex was v abusive and police were involved etc but ex parents (who were lovely and I was very close to) sided with him. I think it was just beyond their comprehension that their son was capable of what he did (even though they warned me on our first meeting about his anger problems )

Gather your close friends and family around you and get all the support you can from them, but tread carefully and be cautious of trusting the motives of his friends/ family

[JustSpeakSense]

Telling them would be much kinder than them hearing via the grapevine.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

Just seen your thing about joint account etc. I think you need to be taking more steps to protect yourself here

• get all money and direct debits transferred from joint account to an account for yourself (my bank were v helpful with this)
  
• are you safe? You probably need a non-molestation order so police can act if there is more violence - contact NCDV.
  
• you might want to start formalising child arrangements
  

In my experience, this is the calm before the storm, and once reality hits an abusive ex they try anything to get at you and control you. Be prepared and get as much legal advice as you can

[MopedManiac]

Hi NeverTwerk and thanks for the advice - I wasn't planning on letting them know the abuse side of things; just that we had split and I didn't want them to hear through the grapevine/ mispoken by the DC.

Ironically his sister 'called it' 6 years ago after he had a massive falling out with her (resulting in NC for those 6 years). She said she was concerned for my safety to my inlaws - at the time I thought was a load of nonsense and just a way for her to up the ante on the argument!

[AbernathysFringe]

You can put her into a new 'group' (I call mine 'Fuck Off') which you then just 'don't share' timeline posts or photos with by doing the custom settings.

[MopedManiac]

I got a non-molestation & occupation order. At the moment he's not living in a place conducive to DC commute to school so can't have them during the week.

I guess I have been lulled by calm. And have been focusing on healing me and supporting the DC. Time for legal stuff now.

I also have an appt with a sexual violence advocate - not entirely certain what I want to achieve from that yet.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

That's good to know (about the orders)

I spent time with a psychologist and it was a huge help to be able to talk to someone about everything

Take care

[MopedManiac]

Oh my! That went so much better than expected. First thing she said after 'oh no' and 'I always thought, of anyone, that you two would make it' was that she still wants to stay in touch with me and that she appreciates that we've always got on well (going against the usual MIL/DIL stereotype she laughed).

She said she isn't going to say anything to him; that it's for him to tell them and that she won't say that I already told. She wouldn't like for him to think I tattled.

I think I've sorely underestimated how many people I have around who really do care for me. I thought I was so alone, but I really wasn't... I'm not alone.

[OddBoots]

I am so pleased it went okay. I hope you feel able to talk to more people now too.

[MopedManiac]

Feeling much more positive this morning. Helps that the sun's out!

I still didn't get to sleep til 3am though - brain just would not shut up. I tried to mute it with pinterest and mindless youtube vids but that didn't work. I did find some more empowering music though. Piece of me by Becky Hill.

Hope I last the day at work - will need IV coffee I think!

[NeverTwerkNaked]

Hope you survived today! And yes to the empowering music! I had a little sound track I played throught those first turbulent months

[MopedManiac]

Thanks Naked - I survived. Just! There were quite few pancakes involved to keep me going also. Nom nom!

Lots of Sia and Christine and the Queens on my playlist at the moment also.

[MusicIsMedicine]

Just put her on Limited Profile