How do I leave?

[notmywords]

I think it's over. I'm sick of my EA DH.

I don't want to do this anymore.

He'll never agree to leave the house, I can't afford to rent.

What do I do?

He's currently giving me the silent treatment, which is a regular occurrence but makes a change from the constant criticism.

I am feeling panicky with chest pains and shaking.

Please help.

Hi notmywords, first --- breathe. That's not meant to sound patronising, it's just that I'm in a similar situation and I find that I'm forgetting to breathe properly because I'm so anxious all the time and it really helps me just to stop and take a few deep breaths. I'm so sorry you're in this situation too, but you'll have seen from MN that we are far from alone! I told my EA H last week that I want a divorce and all hell has broken loose since. Apparently I'm imagining it all, ruining DS's life, etc. etc. We'll be living in the same house until we get our finances sorted. It's grim and incredibly stressful but at least I can, hopefully, see an end in sight, and now I've started to detach myself the true reality of what I've been dealing with from him over the past few years is becoming very clear to me, it's like waking from a hypnotic state. I'd recommend you see a solicitor and find out what you can expect if you decide to file for divorce. Most solicitors do a half-hour free initial appointment and it's amazing what you can cover in half an hour. If you don't earn enough to rent, would you get benefits once separated from him that would allow you to? I'm pretty sure there will be people on here who will know about this, and I think there's an online benefits calculator you can use.

Your EA H is probably used to being in control and telling you what you can/should do so you need to start distance yourself from this and believe that you can get away. He will try to convince that you can't and if that doesn't work he'll try and charm you back (the latter is what my H is currently doing though I'm sure the rage will return once we start talking about finances).

But there is loads of support on here and life is too short and precious to waste on a man who is EA.

Thank you.

It's good to have support.

I do still love him and want it to work but I can't change him into a different person.

I've had therapy for anxiety over the past year and it has opened my eyes over what the causes of my anxiety are.

I've started making my own decisions and pressing on regardless of his disapproval and he doesn't like it.

Men who behave like this don't like it when the people they've been controlling start to stand up to them and make their own decisions, and I've only rarely read on here of people whose EA OHs have changed. Even if my H changed now I wouldn't trust that it was for any other reason than to bring me back into line, before he reverted to the behaviour he's most comfortable with. The very wise pudding21 recently wrote that we will all know when we're ready and we shouldn't beat ourselves up for staying and trying to make things work. But if you're considering leaving knowledge is power, and finding out all you can about what you might be entitled to in terms of financial assistance and also thinking about the other practicalities involved in leaving might give you strength.

Attica: so lovely calling me wise

Oh and this is just an example. On Wednesday I had to go back to the house to pick my medical records up as I had a Drs appointment that afternoon. A doctors appointment to book a mamogram and get some dodgy moles checked out. He knew, has he asked? Has he heck as like. And this is the man who cares and loves for me so much. Its all shit. He has a distorted view of love from his parents, and to some extent so do I.

Just start putting events together and it will become clear.

Do you have children? How old are they? How long have you been together? Do you work? Have you got anyone you could go to?

I hope this morning goes well pudding. I'm going to spend the morning getting together all the bank statements etc. that the solicitors need. And hope H will be doing the same!

One piece of invaluable advice that I picked up on here is that you can start to claim tax credits if the relationship is over, even if you're still living together but intend to move out. Short term and only if you qualify of course.

Give them a call and ask their advice. I've done this and the CTC claim was backdated to two months before my partner actually moved out.

That's good advice.

I have two children 11 and 8. We have been together over 20 years. Married for 13.

The main issue I have is how he treats the children, and how his behaviour is rubbing off on them.

The constant reward punishment cycle, the spoilt outbursts.

When I pull DS1 up on his behaviour he often says 'well Dad does' and I know he is right.

notmywords: I felt his behaviour was also rubbing of on ME and the kids. I am a very passive person by nature but when he hurt me and I was upset, I would have less patience with the boys and on and on it goes. The eldest has said a few hurtful things to me, sounding like his dad, but I have let them go over my head and talked to him about it. Its not his fault of course but it cuts deep.

You are doing this for the right reasons. I was in denial for ages about the affect it might be having on the kids, he still is. The house is much much more relaxed. This morning getting ready for school was a breeze compared to how it was before.

That's how I feel.

It's the constant picking fault, nothing being good enough and the knee jerk 'why should I?' reaction to everything I ask.

It's all tit for tat 'I'm not picking that up because I didn't leave it there' 'I'm not doing that because you wouldn't do that'

I'm sick of say 'if we all just say yes to each other then we all get what we want'

Have you spoken to Womens Aid?
0808 2000 247
And Shelter may be able to advise you.
Do you own the house you are in now?
Do you have family at all?

Omg this post has hit home with me, especially today. After a particularly bad week I am in emotional turmoil.ive had lunch made for me, I'm getting love poems and the whole time I'm feeling like the most unreasonable bitch, the full blown charm offensive is starting to work, I can feel myself doubting myself, perhaps I am too sensitive or perhaps I do need help because I'm crazy. I was being screamed at at half four yesterday morning that I was crazy and need help and to fuck off. Apparently Im overreacting and jist milking the situation, everyone talks to eachother like that when they are angry. I feel like I'm in a fog, like I can't see clearly and no matter how much I try I can't get out of this.

Ahhh... the Jekyll and Hyde cycle.
It's called 'hoovering' and it appears to be working OFGS
Do you have your own thread going?
If not then start one and get some help, advice and support from the experienced people on here!

OFGS that sounds horrible.

I know what you mean about normalised behaviour and the fog.

You're not crazy. You know what respectful treatment looks like and that is what you deserve.

I'm sorry I kind of stole your post lol, it's just been a horrendous week, with not a lot of sleep. Thing is I know that the nice him will make an appearance for a few days, he seems to push me just short of my limit then he turns ultra nice, to the point I'm left feeling guilty. It's hard when you still love someone. Ive tried to make plans for most of the weekend but money's tight as I've paid all the bills from my salary and he's now decided he's going to split his half over four weeks (he usually pays a lump sum into my account) as security incase I 'kick him out' I'll be fine though I'll just keep myself busy. Posts like this help me believe that I'm not imagining all this and that hopefully one day I'll stop doubting myself long enough to tell him to fuck off.

I agree.

Although sometimes I think having support from others makes it more bearable so you put up with it for longer. I doubt it though.

DH has issued something of an ultimatum in a 'I am thinking about leaving' kind of way. I think he was hoping to scare me but it didn't really.

He's given you an ultimatum.
Classic.
Tell him to leave then if that's how he feels.
He'll soon back pedal!

Lol yep he said the very same this morning, you're crazy I'm moving out, I was to frightened to say yesssssss incase he only stays to teach me a lesson lol. He says everything pisses me off and I'm always miserable but really I think he likes me being sad, I don't fight back as much.
I know what you mean about having here to vent makes it easier to bear but today it's helped. I hope you're ok.

I did suggest he stayed somewhere else for a bit. He said 'I'm not going anywhere' but not in a nice way.

Everybody who has been through it says 'don't leave the house' though.

Is there the option to seek help from your parents?

notmywords: I left my house that we built together. Its a beautiful house and its the only one my youngest has known (he was a baby when we moved). I left one because he wouldn't be able to cope to do it himself and offer the same level of stability I can to the kids, two, because I had to get away asap and staying would have dragged it out. Three, because its just bricks and mortar. Its not my "home" anymore. I haven't felt comfortable there for ages.

Most people will advise you to stay, maybe get legal advice first and make sure you have copies of all the documents. But if you feel your mental health is suffering and he really won't leave, sometimes there is only one option.

i borrowed some money, that is how I did it.

My parents are both dead. I have family but no one we can stay with.

Notmywords my experience is v v similar to yours (and also others on this thread)
Together 20 years, married 13, 2 dc. I started having counselling last year and the clarity I got and continue to get from that is overwhelming. I have given so many chances, listened to so many lies and yes it was starting to affect my dc especially my ds who is 10. Stbxh started to turn him against me (or at least try) when I refused to give in this time and I thought I had months of shit ahead of me while we sorted the finances. He was also refusing to leave HIS HOUSE. Anyway in the last 2 weeks he became increasingly threatening (threats to tell the kids what I'm really like, tell all our friends, embarrass me etc) and I was desperately trying to get him to leave them out of it. One night he ranted at me for 2 hours and I actually thought he was going to hit me... he has done in the past but 15 years ago now... I felt scared to be in my own home and I was constantly on edge.
In the end this is what I did: I rang women's aid, she told me that was he was doing was a CRIME, that he was seriously psychologically abusing my ds and that I had 2 choices. One was to be trapped forever and my kids would eventually hate me and be v damaged. The other one was to report him to the police. So I did.
I waited til he was at work and I reported him for 'coercive and controlling behaviour' but I said that I didn't want to press charges yet. I rang his family and I told them that if they didn't get him out of the house TODAY hr would be arrested so they had better help me.
When he got in from work I told him that he neede to leave now and if not I would press charges. I told him that the police confirmed he had committed a crime. All the shit hit the fan but I tell you what he absolutely shit himself, packed his stuff and left. He went to his family. That was 2 weeks ago now and I didn't hear anything the first week then he asked to see the kids.
I told my son that dad had gone because I was not happy with the way he speaks to me or him and the way he acts, so he's not coming back.
My ds is ok... I think the damage from this with my continued love and support AND the fact that now he can see his mother as someone with high standards about the way she is treated is far far better than the damage I would have been responsible for if I let him continue. You won't be ruining your dcs lives... you will be saving them!!
If you want to pm me about anything feel free. X