Notmywords my experience is v v similar to yours (and also others on this thread)
Together 20 years, married 13, 2 dc. I started having counselling last year and the clarity I got and continue to get from that is overwhelming. I have given so many chances, listened to so many lies and yes it was starting to affect my dc especially my ds who is 10. Stbxh started to turn him against me (or at least try) when I refused to give in this time and I thought I had months of shit ahead of me while we sorted the finances. He was also refusing to leave HIS HOUSE. Anyway in the last 2 weeks he became increasingly threatening (threats to tell the kids what I'm really like, tell all our friends, embarrass me etc) and I was desperately trying to get him to leave them out of it. One night he ranted at me for 2 hours and I actually thought he was going to hit me... he has done in the past but 15 years ago now... I felt scared to be in my own home and I was constantly on edge.
In the end this is what I did: I rang women's aid, she told me that was he was doing was a CRIME, that he was seriously psychologically abusing my ds and that I had 2 choices. One was to be trapped forever and my kids would eventually hate me and be v damaged. The other one was to report him to the police. So I did.
I waited til he was at work and I reported him for 'coercive and controlling behaviour' but I said that I didn't want to press charges yet. I rang his family and I told them that if they didn't get him out of the house TODAY hr would be arrested so they had better help me.
When he got in from work I told him that he neede to leave now and if not I would press charges. I told him that the police confirmed he had committed a crime. All the shit hit the fan but I tell you what he absolutely shit himself, packed his stuff and left. He went to his family. That was 2 weeks ago now and I didn't hear anything the first week then he asked to see the kids.
I told my son that dad had gone because I was not happy with the way he speaks to me or him and the way he acts, so he's not coming back.
My ds is ok... I think the damage from this with my continued love and support AND the fact that now he can see his mother as someone with high standards about the way she is treated is far far better than the damage I would have been responsible for if I let him continue. You won't be ruining your dcs lives... you will be saving them!!
If you want to pm me about anything feel free. X