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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's leaving, I'm devastated

47 replies

Clockworkbanana · 23/02/2017 06:38

After a tough year, my DH has decided that he's unhappy and wants to separate. We've been together for 10 years and have a DD (7). I am absolutely devastated and don't know how I'll get through this.
Everything's racing through my mind, but I'm so concerned about DD and how this will affect her. And how I'll cope when he has her for weekends / holidays...I'm never away from her, i feel like my chest is exploding with anxiety

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 23/02/2017 06:49

I don't know what to say op, I haven't been through this but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. Things will hopefully get easier, try to focus on now and not the big picture, I find at moments of stress it's best to break it down into bite size chunks.

tillytown · 23/02/2017 06:55

Has he actually decided to leave, or is he just talking about separating? Either way, it won't be as bad as you are imagining it will be, you and your DD are stronger than you think Flowers

Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 23/02/2017 06:58

We've talked about seperating on and off, we give things a try, but it's just not working for him. He's decided that he'll go and stay with his DM until we sort something more permanent.
I feel so empty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 23/02/2017 07:24

I know I'll be ok eventually, but I feel like I don't know how I'm going to get there. I don't want my DD to be split between 2 homes. I feel like I've got a massive knot in my stomach.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 23/02/2017 08:12

Has anyone been through this with young DC? I really don't know where to begin with explaining to her

OP posts:
OldLibrary · 23/02/2017 08:25

I really feel for you. It's the dread of being separated from my children that keeps me here.

I'm sure, though, that if it happened, which is quite likely, I'd have to deal with it, like lots of the other posters here.

Can't help much, but full sympathy, horrible time 💐

Eatingcheeseontoast · 23/02/2017 08:28

I think the nicer you can be to each other the better for you and your kids.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/02/2017 08:36

It's an awful awful time.
No getting away from that.
None of us can make you feel better right now.
This is something you will need to work through.
Get RL support. Family and friends will want to be there for you.
Make sure you take all the love and help you can.
For now you just need to get through each hour.
Sit down. Breath..... Sugary tea or coffee.
Your stomach will be like that for quite a while.
Mines been like it since the end of last year.
I split with my ExH when DD was 11 so it was easier to explain it to her.
Although she figured out pretty fast the split was due to her DDad being unfaithful.
She is fine now. Went through a horrible phase but came out the other side a lovely, hardworking, great girl to have around.

Think practically for now if you can.
Financially what will happen?
Can you get to a solicitor to see what will happen when you split?

Try to keep busy. Visitors or make lots of visits to people.
Gym, clubs, housework, clean out cupboards, clear out old clothes etc....

You will get through this.
It won't feel like it for now but you will.
Keep your sugar levels up and keep yourself hydrated.
Sugary tea and ice-lollies got me through the first bit. Nothing solid worked.
Flowers for you.

peppatax · 23/02/2017 08:39

I've been through this with young DC and she's happy and settled now 50:50. As long as you both remember she's the priority and when you have her make her loved and feeling special then she'll be fine. Try and think practically - sorting out two bedrooms or whatever might seem painful but opportunity to focus on something for her to be excited about rather than her parents splitting up.

Hermonie2016 · 23/02/2017 09:46

You will be in shock, no doubt about that.Every emotion will hit you and it will feel overwhelming.
Do you have much family support?

For now just concentrate on getting over the shock.You can plan when to tell your dd, it doesn't need to be immediate.
Usually children want reassurances that they will still see both parents.

How has his behaviour been? Do you suspect an OW? I am reading Runaway Husbands which is useful as it deals with separation and how to cope and written from the author and other women experiences.
I would agree with hot sweet tea and water especially if you are crying lots.So sorry this is happening to you, I am going through similar but 4 months down the line.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2017 10:40

Have you been happy with things recently? If you've tried and aren't getting anywhere, then perhaps it's ultimately for the best.

Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 23/02/2017 12:52

Thankyou for your replies everyone. I managed to get through my shift at work this morning but it was so hard.

I'm so sorry @hellsbells and @hermione, how do you feel now?

My family and friends are lovely and very supportive, but I still feel so lonely...

I don't suspect OW but I do think there's an element of wanting to see if the grass is greener. We've had various issues and about a year ago, decided to work through it. We had a year of ups and downs but seemed to be turning a corner. Ultimately, he isn't happy and I can't make him stay, I wouldn't want to.

I think I've been unhappy because I knew deep down that he wasn't and it made me feel worse that he was only here because of DD.

OP posts:
geordiedench · 23/02/2017 13:09

Why should you be the one to explain it to her? Get him to do it. And whenever she asks questions, ring him up and hand her to him on the phone so she can ask him herself. You'll be there as security and comfort for her, but he should take 100% of the responsibility for fracturing her world like this and shattering her confidence in the adults she relies on. He should be the one to tell her - don't worry - mummy won't leave you. Make him squirm.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2017 13:13

Geordie

Do you think he should stay regardless of being unhappy? I don't think this is a blame thing and it's pointless pretending and creating a fake happiness.

geordiedench · 23/02/2017 13:32

Um no, I think he should make an effort to be happy. I think a lot of the time people are unhappy in themselves and blame their marriages. Or they stop fancying their partner for a while and think - that's it, I'm off. It's emotionally immature, devastating to the child and creates long term damage where it may be a short term problem.

If someone is in an abusive marriage or a completely loveless marriage, then yes of course, don't stay. But if you're just bored and restless, get your act together. Plan some adventures with your spouse, do stuff that brings you close again, pay attention to them, invest some time in your own interests and passions to bring some sparkle back into your life and most of all - focus on the wellbeing of the child you chose to create. Their wellbeing should be a strong enough impetus for any emotionally mature adult to choose to work at an ordinary marriage and turn it into a good one.

But Sandy I know this is the area in which I am deeply judgemental, and find it hard to accept thew choices people make. I think people - usually men- opt out of marriages too easily these days and leave lone women struggling financially, exhausted, emotionally drained, tied to the home, overworked, and with children whose foundation in life has been irrevocably shaken. I do think it's shitty behaviour and it's become acceptable.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/02/2017 13:36

I split with ExH 7 years ago now.
He's turned out to be a right twat.
I still slightly mourn what should have been my life but that's the way it is.

It's happened again though very recently with my now ExP.
So, yes, I've been shat on a lot but I do get on with it.
Everyone thinks I'm some kind of superwoman.
I'm not.
I went through hell when my ExH left.
Took me a year to get myself back.
No man will ever make me feel like that again.
So this time it's been much easier.

OldLibrary · 23/02/2017 13:57

I agree with geordie. If you're married I don't think it is ok just to leave without a very good reason.

But that aside, you will get through this. hells advice on sweet tea and stuff is good, really helped me and I've never taken sugar! I also drank chocolate milk as a quick calorie and filling thing and took a multivitamin.

You will feel a lot worse if you can't eat and can't sleep, so try to get something in you and rest when you can.

Also try the doctor if it all gets too much, I got beta blockers and diazepam to get me through the total panic days.

Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 23/02/2017 13:59

I'm hoping there won't be too much animosity and we both agree that DD is the most important in all of this. We will be telling her together and then DH will move out gradually over the next couple of weeks.

I just feel heartbroken. I wanted it to work, but I know it won't now.

OP posts:
OldLibrary · 23/02/2017 14:00

Oh, and agree that doing practical things about housing/finances/clearing really helps. Make an appointment with a lawyer.

And change your house a bit to make it yours and a bit different: maybe new bedding, change pictures, let dd help and make it a positive thing.

Original poster
Clockworkbanana · 23/02/2017 14:01

Thanks @old, I think if I continue to have problems sleeping then I will go to GP and ask about something to help short term.

OP posts:
Hoppityfuckingvoosh · 23/02/2017 20:22

I'm almost 6 months post split and, honestly, it's still painful. Not as painful as it was at the beginning, but I'm eager for this all-encompassing shitty feeling to end.
He didn't love me anymore. Hasn't for a long time and was clearly staying for DS (3).
It's been a tough slog. I do 90% of DS care (he does one overnight and comes for dinner twice a week-hasn't got his own place yet) covering most of the finances. I work FT, studying, Care for elderly parents and all on next to no sleep as DS clearly thinks sleep is for the weak!
I'm exhausted. Totally exhausted. But I know that this is for the best. Not being wanted for so long has killed my self-esteem. I'm hoping this will come back after the dust settles.
Take it one day at a time. I find it I think too far into the future I get really panicked.
Have a cry, then getbuo tomorrow and get on with it as best you can.

hareinthemoon · 23/02/2017 20:36

Um no, I think he should make an effort to be happy. I think a lot of the time people are unhappy in themselves and blame their marriages. Or they stop fancying their partner for a while and think - that's it, I'm off. It's emotionally immature, devastating to the child and creates long term damage where it may be a short term problem.

This. So much this. This is what happened to me. Things that could have been sorted at the beginning turned into blaming me for everything. And now I'm getting a divorce I never wanted. It's just devastating to me.

OldLibrary · 23/02/2017 21:21

hare 💐For you too, it's all just so shite

tabithakitty · 23/02/2017 22:25

Thank you geordiedench.

You have just made me think about my own situation.

tabithakitty · 23/02/2017 22:29

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. What geordiedench says is true, but it sounds as if this isn't your call. Sometimes, we don't know what we are capable of until we are tested to the limit. This may be one of those times for you. Keep eating properly though - it's too easy to either waste away or gorge. Life is messy x