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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's leaving, I'm devastated

47 replies

Clockworkbanana · 23/02/2017 06:38

After a tough year, my DH has decided that he's unhappy and wants to separate. We've been together for 10 years and have a DD (7). I am absolutely devastated and don't know how I'll get through this.
Everything's racing through my mind, but I'm so concerned about DD and how this will affect her. And how I'll cope when he has her for weekends / holidays...I'm never away from her, i feel like my chest is exploding with anxiety

OP posts:

hareinthemoon · 23/02/2017 23:21

Thanks Library

It's properly shit.

Patchouli666 · 24/02/2017 08:40

Re the sleeping. Have a look online st the I-herb website. They sell melatonin.you can only get it on prescription in the uk and even then it's insanely difficult to get. It's natural, your body makes it, and is not addictive. Much better than something from the GP. And you can take it for ever more if you need it. It's changed my life. And it's an antioxidant to boot so it is actually doing some good in addition to plenty of zzzzzzz

hellsbellsmelons · 24/02/2017 09:03

That's useful Patch @patchouli666
Which dosage do you take?
Is it best to start with the low 3mg dose?
I could really use a good nights sleep.

Original poster

Clockworkbanana · 25/02/2017 06:48

Thankyou for your kind suggestions, I really appreciate it. Yesterday was a little better as kept busy with DD, but last night was awful...our first night without him here. I slept on and off, but the knot is still there. I still can't really belive it.

OP posts:

SnugglyBedSocks · 25/02/2017 06:58

My son has prescription melatonin and he weighs 10st. He could have 9mg but 6mg has the same effect

Pinotwoman82 · 25/02/2017 07:24

Geordiedench you talk a lot of sense, thank u

geordiedench · 25/02/2017 13:50

Tabitha and Pinot

Original poster

Clockworkbanana · 25/02/2017 18:31

I can't do this, I just can't 😔

OP posts:

kateshair · 25/02/2017 18:43

OP thinking of you and sending you strength.
You can and you will get through this time. For now focus on hour to hour otherwise it will feel too overwhelming ... Each hour you get through is a bit nearer to this pain easing ! And I know you can't see it easing but it will..
I've been where you are twice in my life and I felt exactly like you do now ... Today I look back and wonder how I ever felt that way xx

OldLibrary · 25/02/2017 18:57

It's hellish.

But you've just got to stay strong for dd... koko as they say.

💐💐

Original poster

Clockworkbanana · 25/02/2017 19:02

Outwardly I'm strong, but inside I feel like I'm dying. I just want to fast forward to when I feel better. DD still doesn't know but this will be our 2nd night without him here, so things are a little strange for her. She has been talking about our holidays today and how much fun she had...it breaks my heart, she'll be devastated.

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 25/02/2017 19:21

Telling my youngest was awful but he did seem to bounce back quite quickly.The new routine becomes their life and they just get used to the new setup.

You will feel very fragile for a while, lack of sleep will make you feel low so prioritising sleep and rest is important.Make yourself a priority by eating well and try mediation or yoga to calm your nervous system.

threelittlebigpigs · 25/02/2017 19:43

You are stronger than you think and it will be ok. I know it's hard to see it now, but sometimes, out of the worst situations, positive things end up happening.

Take one hour, one day, one week at a time. Do turn to your friends/ family. That's what they're there for. Plus get outside in the fresh air. I recommend finding some box sets to watch to help to take your mind off things.

Your DD will be ok too. My children amaze me with their resilience. As long as your DD knows that you and her dad love her and are there for her, she will feel secure. Unfortunately, no one can make this horrid phase go away any quicker, but be reassured that one day it will be a distant memory and life will be good again.

Muddlingalongalone · 25/02/2017 20:06

I'm 2 years down the line next weekend - I can't tell you how you cope, you just do. DD1 was just under 4 and Dd2 was 4.5 months.
It's shit, it really is and pp who said it shouldn't be socially acceptable to opt out because the grass might be bloody greener is totally right.
But we're happy mostly, life is a bit hectic & crazy & the house is a tip but we also have lots of fun. Take photos of all the things you do. It's easy when it's stressful to think you're doing a terrible job but lots of happy smile photos will tell you otherwise.
Lots of cuddles, lots of attention, age appropriate conversations with dd about everything. Kids just accept things at face value in my experience - things become the new normal very quickly
Good luck, stay strong - you can do it

Original poster

Clockworkbanana · 26/02/2017 06:55

Thankyou @hermione, @three and @muddling. My head is all over the place. He talked about leaving gradually over the next few weeks, but would it just be easier if he went straight away and put some arrangemeents in place so we can explain to DD? I'm not sure what to do for the best.

OP posts:

threelittlebigpigs · 26/02/2017 08:56

I would say go straight away, if only for your sanity. The sooner you both talk things through with your DD, the sooner you will stop driving yourself crazy with how she might react and you can deal with the actual reality. I think you will then start to feel more in control too.

geordiedench · 26/02/2017 09:20

muddling what a wonderful post. I massively admire you and all the single mothers who so clearly do a brilliant job despite the shitty odds.

Original poster

Clockworkbanana · 26/02/2017 16:54

How do you feel now @muddling?
I know I'll be ok eventually, I'm just so sad and disappointed that this one decision will make such a huge impact on all of our lives and it's totally out of my control 😔

OP posts:

JK1773 · 26/02/2017 17:00

I'm sorry it's so terrible for you. I don't have any advice really other than take care of yourself, you need to stay well

Muddlingalongalone · 26/02/2017 19:36

Yes the lack of control is the worst thing - you can't make him want to stay.
I would say the sooner the better for moving out depending on what the plans are.
For me (and everyone's circumstances are different) he was moving back to his parents 120 miles away so he had to find a job because I was on maternity pay. I chose to go to my parents house on Saturday morning as he was moving out that weekend because I knew I couldn't watch him pack up and go
How do I feel now? Still sad for the future I won't have that we'd talked about, angry that he was the one who wanted kids but was too selfish to change his lifestyle once they came along and then went off with OW & chose to be with her child not his own, annoyed with myself that I supported him financially for so long because it didn't matter which pot because we were a team, jealous of the piss easy life that he has at my expense, and sad for my children - DD1 because she knows he used to live with us & Dd2 because essentially he's just another visitor to her at the moment.
But despite all that - most of all I pity him missing out on all the wonderful little moments of day to day silliness & fun, the snuggling up in bed with the children at night or in the morning
It's hard but it's doable with very low cleaning standards & a very flexible boss to help along the way.
Koko as they always say on here

Muddlingalongalone · 26/02/2017 20:01

I forgot to say scared in case anything ever happens to me - but super super proud that we're surviving and I've got two amazing kids....

Original poster

Clockworkbanana · 27/02/2017 21:00

@muddling, thankyou, you sound amazing, brave and strong. I can totally identify with feeling sad for the future that you'd talked about, I feel the same....sad, angry, everything. I hate that he's split out little family up.
Taking each hour and day at a time.

OP posts:

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