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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So fucking angry!

38 replies

Dawndonnaagain · 18/02/2017 14:51

Rant: dd (20) hasn't seen stbxh for a while. There are reasons for this and frankly it's her choice. I take the others over every so often, drop them off and pick them up. DD decided that she would try today, she's not been well (two very serious suicide attempts, due in part to his behaviour and a couple of days in a mental health unit) but she has been in contact by phone and it's been okay. He doesn't know about the second attempt.
Anyway, she got there this afternoon and he was in bed feeling sorry for himself, wouldn't engage, then started having a go at her, called her boyfriend names, wouldn't look at pictures she wanted to show him, and told her not to visit anymore unless she was prepared to get a taxi (She has an asc and can't do this) because me dropping her off, even in the nearby vicinity is more than he can cope with and he needs to move on. As usual, it was all about him, so have picked up hysterical dd after 20 minutes. Fucking bastard, wouldn't even talk to her when she first arrived. I'm crying for her. I'm the one that's always saying you should try, he's your dad, he can't always help it, he loves you. Fucking, fucking bastard. Sorry, needed to rant. I don't care what he thinks of me, but she is so damned fragile and he must know that. He's ruined her weekend and knocked her off balance again. Bought her home for tea and cuddles.

OP posts:
fc301 · 18/02/2017 14:55

You need to protect her from this. Not feel obligated to continue.
Not judging, I'm very sorry for you both.

fallenempires · 18/02/2017 15:04

What an utter shit he is.That was a huge step that she took to go over and see him.You're both well shot of him!

MusicIsMedicine · 18/02/2017 15:05

What an arsehole he is. Your poor daughter. Hugs for you both.

SilverdaleGlen · 18/02/2017 15:08

She's 20? Stop pushing this for her and all your others. Just forget him.

category12 · 18/02/2017 15:08

Oh dear. Flowers

I think supporting her in not seeing him is the way forward.

SeaEagleFeather · 18/02/2017 15:08

I'm so sorry, your poor daughter

he loves you I think you need to stop covering for him though. She must know that this isn't what love is

OneWithTheForce · 18/02/2017 15:12

I'm the one that's always saying you should try, he's your dad, he can't always help it, he loves you

Stop saying this. It's not true. Love is an act, not just a feeling. Love is something you do. He is not loving her with that behaviour. He is abusing her. Don't ever guilt her into seeing him again.

Pagwatch · 18/02/2017 15:41

I agree with previous posters.

You are saying false things to comfort her and because you think it's the right thing to do. It's not helping her. You are telling her it's not his fault, she should accept it and love him.

Love isn't something he gets unless he earns it and deserves it.

Just say 'I'm sorry, you poor thing, that's horrible for you, can I help?

Stop covering for him and allow her to think he is a hurtful, selfish piece of shit if that's how he is behaving.

Original poster
Dawndonnaagain · 18/02/2017 16:38

I agree, in some ways, awful though it is, it's something she needed to see. Still think he's a fucking bastard though, a selfish narcissistic one at that.
I didn't intend to guilt her into it, I've thought I'd been careful and supportive, it was her decision, completely and utterly. She hasn't seen him since about November. I don't push, just reassure. I'm not trying to shirk responsibility here, and I can see how my position could be seen as 'guilting' her into visiting, I'm trying to be balanced and kind. That I can see was just bloody stupid on my part. She is in an awful position whereby she hates him for what he's done, but loves him because he's her Dad. He is playing her though, the others don't get this, I suspect because he knows they're stronger.

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 18/02/2017 16:41

Still think he's a fucking bastard though, a selfish narcissistic one at that

He totally is. She needs protected from that. She is vulnerable. Support her by assuring her that her feelings about him are valid and she has a right to feel angry with him whether he is her father or not. She is not obligated to like or love him. He hasn't earned that from her.

noego · 18/02/2017 16:49

An abused person sometimes is addicted to the abuser. The abused person, somehow seems to think that the abuser will see them for what hey are and give them the love they desire. The abused therefore tries harder and harder to get that love, recognition or credibility.
When they are rejected, they do not see that the abuser has the issue. They believe that it is them that is inferior, something wrong with them or other negative thoughts and then they abuse themselves. SH or suicide attempts as a cry for help.
The quicker this relationship with D ends the better. Go in the opposite direction ASAP.

Original poster
Dawndonnaagain · 18/02/2017 16:50

Yeah, I'm not making much sense at the minute am I. Sorry. Still so angry and hurt for her. She's seen enough of his bad behaviour, all he's done is reaffirm what a bastard he is. OneWith, Pag everyone, you're right. I'll come back when I've had more tea and have calmed down a bit!
Thanks for 'listening' all.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/02/2017 17:10

"I'm the one that's always saying you should try, he's your dad, "

She shouldn't have to try at all and of course you can't reassure her asyou just don't know how he'll be-or maybe you do?

How is he with the others?

Shayelle · 18/02/2017 17:12

Flowers xx

Original poster
Dawndonnaagain · 18/02/2017 17:58

He's okay with the others, not brilliant, but not abusive. I checked that he'd been okay over the last few weeks and apparently he's been fine. I honestly thought he'd be pleased to see her and eager to make the most of their time together. I know he's an abusive arse but he's been better toward them since he's been gone.

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 18/02/2017 18:09

Abusers need a victim/target. They don't need to abuse everyone around them. My best friend left her abusive husband several years ago. He continued trying to abuse her for some time after and throughout she insisted that he was great with their children. The girls were safe with him. And indeed he was. He would send the eldest gushy message she about how she meant the world to him and he wanted the best for her. Then he got a girlfriend and after about a year he decided to leave my friend alone. We thought "great, he is bored with bullying you, it's done" turned out he had just shifted his focus to his new partner. She actually became friends with my ex after she finally dumped him and told friend everything. I warned my friend to keep an eye on her girls, like I said, abusers need a victim and he had just lost his most recent one. Sure enough eldest child is now it. That 18 year old girl who once meant the world to him and who he wanted the best for? She missed her university interview because he decided last minute she should pay for her own flights after telling her he would. She couldn't pay, she is full time at school and her part time wage didn't cover it. Her mum didn't have enough money at short notice and I didn't either when she asked me to help out.

She will (hopefully) be leaving for uni in sept (if he doesn't sabotage that) and I've warned friend to expect his attentions to turn to younger daughter who is currently the apple of his eye.

Because he is an abuser and abusers need a victim, always. Your daughter is currently her father's victim. Don't let her be. Take her out of that situation where she puts herself forward for that treatment. Give her the confidence to say "fuck that shit! He can prove he is worthy of my attention and then I'll think about it"

OneWithTheForce · 18/02/2017 18:10

She actually became friends with my ex after she finally dumped him

Should say "she became friends with my friend"

Original poster
Dawndonnaagain · 18/02/2017 19:50

I will not allow her to be in that situation again.
I'm lucky enough to have a lovely WA support worker who has enrolled dd on one of their courses which will teach her how to recognise warning signals, abusive behaviours and how to deal with them.
Thank you all. Still very angry and wound up though!

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 18/02/2017 20:51

Brilliant! You're doing the right thing and getting her the support she needs to protect herself. It's awful that she has to protect herself from her own father but sadly so many girls do.

Original poster
Dawndonnaagain · 19/02/2017 01:46

Can't sleep, still so upset for her. Grrrr!

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 19/02/2017 01:53

Channel that anger (which is perfectly valid btw) into helping her find her self worth and realising that she never needs his approval or even his presence in her life if she doesn't want it.

Graphista · 19/02/2017 02:03

Totally understandable feelings.

I also did the 'right thing' initially with dd telling her dad loves her etc then I thought 'why? It's not helping her!' Stopped covering for my ex and lying to dd. Dd kept trying to please ex but he's not interested. He's full of promises but doesn't follow through. Hasn't seen her for 5 years, last spoke to her very briefly at Christmas, all she got was a card out a box.

Support your poor dd which you seem to be doing admirably. I agree keep an eye on younger dc too, I agree abusers need a target. Remove their preferred target they'll turn on someone else.

Original poster
Dawndonnaagain · 19/02/2017 02:10

Thank you. She's the youngest. She's actually just called me, yep, at nearly two in the morning. She went over to boyfriends but couldn't sleep because she couldn't decide what to do about Dad. I told her what OneWith said about abusers needing someone to abuse and she said, yeah, he thinks he can get away with it because I always go back. We've decided we're going to leave it a 'while' before she considers visiting again.

Thank you for reading, I really wasn't expecting any replies at this time of night!

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 19/02/2017 02:17

I think that's a good plan. She needs some space from him to work out what sort of a relationship she wants from him and whether it is worth what he will put her through for it. Because he won't change this behaviour. It's who he is. She has to decide whether she can accept it for the sake of having a relationship with him or whether she won't accept it which will likely mean not being around him.

RedastheRose · 19/02/2017 02:25

They never change as pp said they need a victim to abuse. My eldest is all but no contact with her dad, has put up with too much of his selfish narcissistic shit over the years. Made to feel she wasn't good enough, pretty enough, slim enough etc. I always tried to keep a relationship going between them but it does more harm than good.

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