So fucking angry!

[Dawndonnaagain]

Rant: dd (20) hasn't seen stbxh for a while. There are reasons for this and frankly it's her choice. I take the others over every so often, drop them off and pick them up. DD decided that she would try today, she's not been well (two very serious suicide attempts, due in part to his behaviour and a couple of days in a mental health unit) but she has been in contact by phone and it's been okay. He doesn't know about the second attempt.
Anyway, she got there this afternoon and he was in bed feeling sorry for himself, wouldn't engage, then started having a go at her, called her boyfriend names, wouldn't look at pictures she wanted to show him, and told her not to visit anymore unless she was prepared to get a taxi (She has an asc and can't do this) because me dropping her off, even in the nearby vicinity is more than he can cope with and he needs to move on. As usual, it was all about him, so have picked up hysterical dd after 20 minutes. Fucking bastard, wouldn't even talk to her when she first arrived. I'm crying for her. I'm the one that's always saying you should try, he's your dad, he can't always help it, he loves you. Fucking, fucking bastard. Sorry, needed to rant. I don't care what he thinks of me, but she is so damned fragile and he must know that. He's ruined her weekend and knocked her off balance again. Bought her home for tea and cuddles.

Honestly the more I experience myself, see in real life and read on here about shitty abusive ex's the more I think we're (as a society) too focused on maintaining children's contact regardless of the damage it has done and is doing.

I wish with hindsight I'd cut all contact with ex as soon as we split.

I've seen/know/read about families where the children have no contact with at best uninterested at worst abusive, absent parents, and it seems to be better than having contact.

You have a valid point Graphista.

Still here, still sniffly this morning. This has knocked us both back quite a long way. I have ptsd because of him, and a lot of guilt for not getting away sooner. Dd2 has suffered a lot too. Need to plan a good day.
Sorry, I don't have anyone in RL that I can talk to about this at the moment. I'm still learning to make friends, not having been allowed to do so for years!

I would tell her to wait and let him make the first move.

She has left it a while before visiting. All she got was shit and upset.

He knows where she is if he wants he can contact her then she can decide if he is worth seeing.

I think it's partly related to the fact we've (again as a society) only just started recognising how malignant and long lasting emotional abuse is just in terms of adults!

Things like this change far too slowly, not all parents are loving, kind or prioritise their children.

In my opinion the law should be changed to 'the child has a right to a relationship with their parent IF THEY WISH' too often judges (often male and not the most involved parents themselves ime) INSIST on contact continuing despite clear evidence it is detrimental to the child's emotional well being.

The more you say, the more i think you should be gently encouraging her -not- to see him.

You weren't allowed friends? you have PTSD? thats a dangerous man to be around, for your kids too.

SeaEagle, he would deny that I wasn't allowed friends, he'd say that he encouraged me to make friends. I believed him and thought it was me for a long time (I have an ASC). But actually, it was the palava before I went out, the guilt tripping and the aggression and then the ignoring me or not discussing the evening with me when I got home. It was so hellish to go out that I just stopped. Or, if friends came to visit he's be conspicuous by his absence, he'd go to another room and be huffy but make sure we knew it. On occasion he'd be outright rude, so people stopped visiting.
We are in a position whereby she (fortunately) doesn't really want to visit. Her boyfriend has also suggested that she wait until he apologise (when hell freezes over) or contacts her. We've both said she shouldn't give anything back. She is still distressed, but I have no doubt that she will avoid for a long time.
I've rung the Doctor and the mental health team, the latter being a bit of a joke, but I've put a rocket up their arses so should hear later today. The GP is brilliant and will be ringing me later.

he might deny it. But his denial isn't true is it? If you make it so difficult for someone to go out that's not worthwhile, then that's a subtle but effective way to stop it.

your poor lass

I do wonder if we're playing divide and conquer. Dd1 has spoken to him since and nothing, he was apparently absolutely fine. This just serves to infuriate me even more, it's not fair that dd2 gets the worst of it, in fact gets all the shit and ds and dd1 don't. Not that I want them to get any, I just want them all to be treated nicely and fairly. Bastard.
Sorry, angry again, still dealing with fallout and trying to understand why he does it. She doesn't deserve it, she's so very fragile and he knows that. Mind you the doctor says you can't deal logically with somebody who isn't functioning logically!

Sorry, just getting things down. I've just picked her up from her boyfriends, she was upset. We'd been talking before she left about what happened at the weekend and it's obviously got to her. She said to me "mum, when he told me not to visit him anymore, I had chest pain, I think my heart literally broke'.
Fucking bastard, how can you do that to your own child?

Still spilling out. Bastard has texted her saying come and see me, I miss you, I love you. He is behaving as though nothing has happened, which is exactly what he used to do to me. She asked for an apology, didn't get one, he's sorry she was upset, not sorry he upset her. Then he said sorry, but it didn't sit right with her. She said no. Brave girl, that was really hard for her.
Git.

Typical manipulative shit. He doesn't care he just wants to control her emotions. If she can keep the nc going it will probably be better for her in the long run. He isn't worth her anxiety and tears. You can't reason with the unreasonable so don't try.

for you and your daughter

Thank you, she is trying to be brave and strong.