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Relationships

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Original poster

Is 8 months too soon to expect someone

55 replies

Gravity88 · 16/02/2017 02:57

Looking for opinions please. My boyfriend of 8 months when asked if he loves me said he doesn't know. He says he has been so hurt in the past by other women that he doesn't think he will be capable of loving again. He said if he does again he will need a lot of time.
So ladies, is he just letting me down gently?

OP posts:

Meffy · 16/02/2017 03:07

Yes it's too soon!!!

I had been with DP for at least 12 months before we discussed 'love'.
To love is to understand and accept which is difficult if you don't know them.

troodiedoo · 16/02/2017 05:49

On its own, love is just a word and an overused one at that. How is his behaviour and attitude towards you? Is he kind and considerate? Are there any alarm bells that make you think hmm? Part of me thinks that 8 months is long enough to know but I guess it depends on how often you see each other, how busy your lives are, what life stage you're at etc.

category12 · 16/02/2017 06:43

Is he getting therapy? I am not joking around - if he is seriously saying that he will never love again because other women hurt him in the past, then he needs to do some work on himself.

I am betting however that he is doing zero about his supposed issue. But rather expecting you to either accept or cure it by you pouring in love.

I would piss off, tbh. He is telling you he is emotionally unavailable and he is telling you that's not something he's going to change.

So pack up your loving heart and move on. Don't accept such absolute bollocks.

category12 · 16/02/2017 06:46

It's not the time factor, it's the excuses he is using you need to think about.

Scrumptiousbears · 16/02/2017 06:46

Why would you ask someone if they love you? Isn't this a teenage thing?

AllTheBabies · 16/02/2017 06:50

It's not really a question anyone can answer. Every person and every relationship is different.

I'd be wary of what he is saying though. It does sound a bit like he's saying just enough to keep you holding on waiting for when you are "good" enough for him to love.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 16/02/2017 06:59

He says he has been so hurt in the past by other women that he doesn't think he will be capable of loving again

Then why did he enter into a relationship again?

Jessica4444 · 16/02/2017 07:06

How is it a teenage thing? Are teenagers only allowed to ask their DP how they feel about them?

isthismummy · 16/02/2017 07:20

The eight months time frame would worry me a lot less than the claim that he may never love again.

If that's what he really thinks then he should not be entering another relationship to find out. He should be getting counselling to help him work through his issues first.

Every man I've ever met who gave me the "I'm just too hurt to love" line turned out to be a self centred, emotionally unavailable man child. I'd recommend you buy the book "Mr Unavailable and the fall back girl" by Natalie Lu. It will open your eyes.

kel1234 · 16/02/2017 07:29

It was about 2 weeks or so for us..

kel1234 · 16/02/2017 07:36

And yes it was serious and genuine. But our whole relationship moved very fast. (Started ttc after 2 months together, lived together after 5 months together, got pregnant after 6, nearly 7 months together, got engaged at 8 months together, and got married on the day we'd been together 11 months). But I've never regretted a second of it.

dudsville · 16/02/2017 07:44

Agree with pps. If he says he's not sure if he can love again, ams if you're looking for commitment then listen to what he's telling you.

TheNaze73 · 16/02/2017 07:49

8 months is way too soon to truly know. I've been pressured before to say it & won't as once it's been said, it can't be taken back. I think once your through the lust fog between 12-18 months you can begin to know.
Listen to what he is saying though & don't force things. He's being very specific so, if you're that needy for verbal confirmation, you may have to accept, that he's not the one for you

Ellisandra · 16/02/2017 07:53

I'm with category
If a man told me he didn't know if he would ever love again, I wouldn't even think about dating him unless he was in therapy about it.

It would he was either:

telling the truth and therefore needing help and I couldn't be arsed with someone who wouldn't seek it and didn't care that they might take my feelings down as collateral damage or

a drama llama self indulgent twat

Neither of which would make my "WLTM" list.

user1484750550 · 16/02/2017 13:47

After 8 months, You would know whether you love someone or not.

Sounds like he is keeping you at arm's length OP. Saying he has 'been hurt in the past' won't wash forever.

He will probably come up with every excuse under the sun to not get married either.

Not a relationship I would want to be in.

You need to talk to him and see if he ever intends to go further with your relationship.

SherlockStones · 16/02/2017 13:48

You sound needy, asking if someone loves you? What is this High School Musical?

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/02/2017 13:59

It sounds like he needs help if he genuinely feels like he'll never love again. Everyone's been hurt in the past but that sounds incredibly melodramatic.

I've been in love twice and knew within three months each time. But that's just me - other people are different. Not knowing after eight months is okay, but the way he's saying it seems a bit off to me.

Why is he still so hung up on the past after this long? If he still isn't over his past, he shouldn't be with you, imo. It's not fair on either of you.

Ladylouanne · 16/02/2017 14:13

There is nothing needy or teenager like about wanting to know how someone feels about you after 8 months.

OP, it took 7 months for us. I'd have comfortably said it after 4 but I held back as I was scared of rushing him by saying it first! 18 months in, I realise that how I love him now is much deeper than a year ago, as love grows (or not) as you get to know someone.

I agree with the other concerns expressed though about the reasons he is giving after all this time. I'd judge on how he behaves towards you for a little bit longer if you want to carry on with the relationship but there might come a point when you feel he just isn't committed enough and you want to move on.

I need to hear the words myself. After taking 7 months, my bf then didn't say it again much. I had to point out that I wanted things to be otherwise and he says it very regularly now!

CityMole · 16/02/2017 14:27

There's no right or wrong time to feel love, or express it- everybody is different. 8 months might feel wholly overdue to some people and very premature to others. None of that matters except in terms of how it impacts the OP and her partner.

OP, it strikes me that fundamentally you are not on the same page in terms of your feelings and what you want from the relationship.

If he doesn't address his trust issues and make attempts to move on from his emotional constipation, then I suspect you are going to feel very frustrated with this situation soon (if indeed you aren't already)./ On the basis that life is short and the fishy sea plentiful, I'd bail out now and leave him to it.

loinnir · 16/02/2017 14:28

He is not in it for the long term with you. It is a "get out" card - when he wants to call time he can say "I told you I have been too hurt in the past". He then doesn't have to feel any guilt about the break up. (if you want to be nicer about it you could see it as a self protection mechanism). It can also mean that you might work extra hard in the relationship to show him how great you are and how much you love him to assuage his hurt - he stays in control with you the underdog.

littlefrog3 · 16/02/2017 14:34

OP, it strikes me that fundamentally you are not on the same page in terms of your feelings and what you want from the relationship

This ^

littlefrog3 · 16/02/2017 19:08

Oh for goodness sake, why do people keep calling women childish, infantile, needy, pathetic etc, if they are feeling upset about something? It's so rude!

The OP has every right to be concerned and pissed off and wonder why he is being so 'funny.'

Boolovessulley · 16/02/2017 19:10

By 8 months I think he should know whether or not he loves you .

Somerville · 16/02/2017 19:12

If a man told me he didn't know if he would ever love again, I wouldn't even think about dating him unless he was in therapy about it.

This.

It's either a get out clause or he's completely emotionally unavailable.

What's the saying? When someone tells you who they are - listen!

Crazycat1980 · 16/02/2017 19:40

This rings alarm bells to me. My ex was similar and after 15 months decided he didn't want to take things further. It really broke my heart but now I can see he was never properly in it and my low self esteem made me think what he was giving me was enough.

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