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Original poster

Is 8 months too soon to expect someone

55 replies

Gravity88 · 16/02/2017 02:57

Looking for opinions please. My boyfriend of 8 months when asked if he loves me said he doesn't know. He says he has been so hurt in the past by other women that he doesn't think he will be capable of loving again. He said if he does again he will need a lot of time.
So ladies, is he just letting me down gently?

OP posts:
iamamazing · 16/02/2017 19:47

I think Crazycat is right, i mean this nicely but I would look at how you feel about yourself. Is it good enough that after 8 months this is the line he is spinning you? What would you tell a daughter of yours in this situation? For me, a man like that would be given his marching orders.

Sniv · 16/02/2017 21:24

I am surprised that people think it's 'needy' to want to know you are loved; I don't think so at all.

Obviously love is something that has to grow naturally over time, but if I didn't feel any inkling of love with someone after 8 months together I would be seriously thinking that the relationship didn't have a future.

Original poster
Gravity88 · 17/02/2017 11:45

He says he's surprised I put up with him this long :( as in all my previous relationships it's always him and his lack of either commitment or the fact he is emotionally damaged both of which are part of the reason he has never dated longer than six months and never been engaged or married. He also never been able to reach orgasm using any method with me which he says is nothing to do with me and due to his emotional issues.

OP posts:
CityMole · 17/02/2017 11:49

Gravity88, may I ask- what are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds like you are putting a lot of work in, and getting invested emotionally in somebody who -by his own admission- cannot have a relationship with you. He also has emotional problems so severe that you cannot even have a full sexual relationship together (in the sense of him achieving orgasm- I appreciate that the Big O is not the be all and end all of sexual pleasure, but coupled with the other things you say about his emotional unavailability, I think it is extremely significant here.) Where is the joy in this for you?

Jackiebrambles · 17/02/2017 11:50

Isn't life a bit too short OP? Just seen your last update.

When my DH told me he loved me we'd been together about 2 months ish I think. I told him that it might take me a while to say it back because I'd been hurt and messed around quite a lot in the past. I said it within a few weeks though I think.

Mommasoph30 · 17/02/2017 12:11

run for the hills, save yourself the heart ache and self esteem issues, He is telling you who he is, you will always be second guessing if you ever good enough,... RUN!

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 17/02/2017 12:54

It sounds like you've gotten yourself into the classic rescue position here OP.

A lot of us do this. Think we can "save" the guy...be the one to turn it all around for him.,

He won't commit, he will never feel anything for you, he can't fulfil any of your needs, physically or emotionally, seriously why continue this?

Does it make you feel better to stick with him?

Original poster
Gravity88 · 17/02/2017 12:55

I guess expanding the picture for you all, he lives with his parents which I think he's quite comfortable with. When we got together though he would say things like "when I move in etc" so I thought there was a future, but when I try and discuss it now he doesn't want to talk about it.

OP posts:
Mommasoph30 · 17/02/2017 13:02

RUN x

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/02/2017 13:03

'The man who has been hurt and thus can never love again' is a romance novel staple...he just needs to be 'cured' by the love of a good woman.

It's utter bollocks. If he's never dated longer than six months or been engaged or married, then WHO THE HELL HURT HIM?

Or was it some long, unrequited lust 'I love her but she knows not of my existence'? Cos that's bollocks too. He needs to grow up, leave home and learn to live actual, real life.

capricorn12 · 17/02/2017 13:25

Do you love him Gravity? If you do then, there you go.....it's long enough to know.
I can only go from my own experiences and both my serious relationships have been quick to develop but I knew I loved my ex within the first few weeks and with my husband it was a bit longer (was a more complicated situation) but still within about 3 or 4 months. We started seeing each other properly in March, moved in together at the end of April, got engaged at Christmas and married the next summer. We are still together 16 years later.
I wouldn't say that there was definitely no future in this relationship but it does sound like hard work and very one sided.

Boolovessulley · 17/02/2017 13:51

I think the advice to run is spot on

It's not your job to save him op.

showmeislands · 17/02/2017 13:57

If I was casually dating someone for fun, or dating a few people, with no love feelings of my own, then that would be fine.

But if I was seeing someone exclusively, in a relationship, then at 8 months I definitely wouldn't think it was too soon for love to be talked about. If anything, that would seem quite late! Generally I've always known within a couple of months if I was going to fall in love or not.

My husband of 8 years told me after 10 days after we met that he loved me. It was reciprocated. Of course we didn't know each other hugely deeply at that point, but the strength of feeling was already there and just continued to develop.

Original poster
Gravity88 · 17/02/2017 14:04

I thought I loved him in the first few months or at least wanted to, but after never hearing it back (him saying he doesn't say that kind of thing) I started to feel rejected.

OP posts:
HmmOkay · 17/02/2017 14:07

"he lives with his parents which I think he's quite comfortable with. When we got together though he would say things like "when I move in etc"

Oh, so he wants to jump from his parents' house into your house? Funny how getting his own place or you both getting a place together isn't on his radar. Sounds like that would be too much bother for him.

Has he ever lived alone? What age is he?

I honestly think it would be much better for him emotionally to get his own place and live there for a while alone.

Original poster
Gravity88 · 17/02/2017 14:18

Looking at it he hasn't really ever lived on his own or properly lived with anyone else.

OP posts:
HmmOkay · 17/02/2017 14:29

Well, maybe you could gently suggest that he looks for a flat alone. Maybe his relationships haven't worked out partly because not many women want to sit on his parents' couch with him and his parents watching Flog It.

Presumably he is working?

And suggest that he sees the GP about his erectile dysfunction.

Other than that, leave it be. All of the above is for him to sort out, not you. And if he doesn't want to move out or see the GP, then he is clearly demonstrating that he doesn't want to take responsibility for himself. You cannot save him from himself.

MPerspective · 17/02/2017 14:34

I had a very intense 6 year relationship, emotionally tumultuous. I know how your BF feels.

It's very difficult to even think about 'loving' someone else. Really your focus is on just moving on, keeping yourself busy, living your life.

Do not think about love for now. Just think about you two - your compatibility for each other, your enjoyment with each other's company. If it is there, things will happen naturally, if not - then you will know in time when to call it off. But you have to give this a chance by not incorporating the love thing in your relationship.

Dayna1 · 17/02/2017 14:41

Over time I have come to the understanding that love is not something that happens to you once X time has passed, or once X thing has happened. Rather, I think of love as a choice. Every day you are in a relationship with someone, you are given the option of whether to love them or not, what to love about them, how to express this love, etc. I.e. what I am saying is that people should stop thinking of love as something that just happens or doesn't happen. It is there in many, many things and it is the accumulation of all these things that matter as a whole.

If this man is telling you that he doesn't love and is not sure whether he can love again, all he is saying is that he is being extremely careful about your relationship and that he is not investing as much as he had in the past. You haven't shared enough to know whether he is involved to the degree you require, how he treats you, and all of these little things that make the so-called love.

Value not what he says and what he supposes he is capable in regards to love, but rather what he is giving and investing in this relationship.

ThisIsTheRightTime · 17/02/2017 15:03

I wholeheartedly agree with Dayna1 Smile

I too agree to a greater extent that love is a choice and that, of course, actions speak louder than words.

Idontbelievethelies · 17/02/2017 18:20

I think you know after 8 months. I'd not be wasting time with someone who didn't know how they felt about me after that length of time, unless it suited me to have a casual thing.

christmaswreaths · 17/02/2017 18:41

I had this with an ex. I left him after 2 years. Dh and I told each other I love you after a very short time. Two months or so..however we had known each other a long time before dating and probably lived each other already when we got together!!

arsenaltilidie · 17/02/2017 19:27

If he doesn't know after 8 months then sadly he doesn't love you.

AllTheLight · 17/02/2017 19:31

He says he's been so hurt by women that he may never love again, and yet he's never been in a relationship for longer than 6 months? That just doesn't make sense to me.

Original poster
Gravity88 · 18/02/2017 08:47

Thank you for all your replies.
I asked him to be honest and he has been.
I did ask if he ever loved his ex and he replied he liked her a lot but she had issues and he split with her when she was in a better place after 6 months.

His reply to me about how he feels about me was you know I like you but you want me to love u which I'm not sure I will ever be capable of doing, not just you though I mean full stop I was hoping this time it would be different but as always my overly defensive mode kicks in and ruins things.

OP posts: