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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SAHP

26 replies

user1487012581 · 15/02/2017 22:29

Hi mumsnetters,
I'm a stay at home dad. We have a two year old daughter and my wife works full time.

I have posted on here before and have realised that unfortunately my relationship is a lot worse than I thought but I really want to save it and I don't want to leave. Part of the problem is that I've become quite isolated as we recently moved with only a 2 year old for company whereas my wife goes out quite a bit. With work and friends.

I just wanted to know women's opinions on what you would think if I turned up to toddler groups as a Man. i find it quite hard to become involved with a group when it's all women and just wondered if anyone had any tips?

As there aren't that many stay at home dads I thought it would be nice if i could get to know some mums so we could maybe go for coffee occasionally and so I can get out of the house and also so dd could make some fiends or have a play mate.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 15/02/2017 22:32

There are toddler groups for men in my area. Worth googling incase there are in yours too?

Original poster
user1487012581 · 15/02/2017 22:44

Thanks for the suggestion. I have googled that already but unfortunately there isn't near where we live..

OP posts:
Irishal68 · 15/02/2017 22:48

You're always going to meet people who take a stand on whether this or that is acceptable but most people are pretty accommodating and friendly. Find some groups and give it a go. You won't know until you give it a go 👍🏻

Hotwaterbottle1 · 15/02/2017 23:15

Could you set one up yourself? Ask advice from one in another area?

Tslade123 · 16/02/2017 07:07

Hello
I am also SAHD, been to loads of toddler groups, some have been great and I have made friends with other mums and dads, others have been really unsociable.
I think the key with making new friends with mums or dads is being able to move on from the standard toddler small talk. Once you are not taking about kids all time friendships develop.
Also I set up a dads group on face book. I posted it on the local parenting group and about 50 dads joined, about 10 turned up to the first couple of meets, now we have a regular hand full who meet up most weeks.

Good luck

Mol1628 · 16/02/2017 07:13

Lots of dads go to the toddler groups round here.

user1477282676 · 16/02/2017 07:16

I can't believe some women are hostile to the Dads who go to toddler groups! Arseholes.

Where I'm from (North West) there are a good few SAHDs who attend various groups. Now my DC are older there are a few who do the school pick ups and drop offs. They're always invited to coffee mornings etc.

Just go OP....go and join in. But I have to tell you....as a Mum I never made ANY friends at toddler groups. I made all mine when my DC were older and began school

Perhaps you should have a hobby in the evenings of your own? Something that's just yours.

Spudlet · 16/02/2017 07:27

Of course you should go to groups! You have a toddler, they are toddler groups. You definitely qualify to attend.

Is there a children's centre near you? Ours is pretty good for knowing which groups are out there, and they run a dads' group on Saturdays too.

Theharderitry · 16/02/2017 07:28

Is your wife fully aware of how you feel and what is at risk? What would make your relationship better do you think?

Surreyblah · 16/02/2017 07:30

There might be some other dads, or even grandads! Or people working freelance or funny hours who can be free in the daytime. Soft play places?

A hobby one regular evening might be a good way to meet people.

Surreyblah · 16/02/2017 07:30

Also, leisure time should be fairly split.

katand2kits · 16/02/2017 07:32

I don't "think" anything when I see men at toddler groups and am quite happy to chat to them. However, if I'm being 100% honest, its unlikely to lead to me socialising with them child free on an evening, unless part of a group.

ItsReginaPhalange · 16/02/2017 07:34

My husband takes our baby to his group on a Thursday as he works for himself so can make the time. He was nervous at first but said a few Dads attend also! All the Mums welcomed him and when I went one week, I felt a bit out of place as he had made friends!

Original poster
user1487012581 · 16/02/2017 07:40

Aww thanks everyone! That actually sounds quite promising but maybe not the best way to make friends though. I will go to a couple next week. I think will just be good to get out of the house a bit!

I need to talk to my wife because I am starting to resent the situation slightly. Not being a sahp because I Love That. Just that she expects me to do all the housework and cooking and shopping. Even at weekends as she sees that as her time off. Our sex life is also not very good and she goes out a lot with friends while I look after dd.

OP posts:
Emeralda · 16/02/2017 08:01

Dads go to toddler groups round here too, though not as many as mums. DP takes DS to something locally every day. He's often asked by mums if a dad is bringing a toddler to the group next week for example, to show the Dad round etc. I call him Dad of Dads.

It sounds like it might be adult company and socialising you're missing, and I think toddler groups offer limited opportunities for that, whether you're male or female. Do you have any interests of your own that you would like to pick up again, or start? Doing something that's entirely yours might meet what you need more than toddler groups, which are for a limited time only anyway.
I agree with telling your wife how you feel and what's at stake.

BaconMaker · 16/02/2017 08:08

Of course you should be welcome at toddler groups! There were always a few dads (and granddads!) at our toddler groups and I think most people were happy for it - the more variety the better. It does sound like you should also have a chance to get out without your DD though - is there no club or volunteer group or something you could join one evening a week once your wife's home? It's tough being a SAHP you definitely need adult time and your own social life too!

April2013 · 16/02/2017 09:12

I often found the dads and grandads at toddler groups very easy to chat to, I hope in the future there is a 50/50 split. I never made any friends at them either - but it was good to have a bit of sociability. I'd recommend not trying to make friends but be friendly and if you get on well with anyone it will happen naturally, also try all the ones nearby and try soft play etc - you will probably find you like some more than others.

Surreyblah · 16/02/2017 09:36

With a two year old (full on!) it's U IMO for the SAHP to do all of the domestic work. And if she's out a lot, you should have the opportunity too, and of course time together.

Our local leisure centre has a creche that you can book ad hoc for an hour or two - the gym was amazing for me when AH.

Spudlet · 16/02/2017 09:41

As a SAHM I definitely find getting out to a group makes the week go faster. Even though I don't get much time to chat thanks to chasing DS around (he's crawling and moves like a beetle, generally into mess and/or danger!), I do get to spend time with other adults and that helps me to feel less isolated.

Others may disagree but I don't think it's fair that your partner expects you to do absolutely everything all the time. Fair enough, we're the ones at home so we naturally do a larger proportion of the donkey work. But she is also a parent and should be taking some of that on when she's at home. My DH certainly does, and quite right too. He does bath and bedtime every night, we share the cooking, he always does the dishwasher and he also frequently does breakfast. I do all the laundry, cleaning, DS's dinners, meal planning and of course all childcare while he's at work. This is what seems fair to us. He wouldn't dream of sitting around watching me slog away. I think you and your partner need to talk about this.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2017 09:44

Stop being your 'D'W doormat.
Could you get an evening job a couple of nights a week?
Just to get out and make friends.
Working in the local pub maybe?
She needs to step up.
She is totally taking the piss out of you!

pudding21 · 16/02/2017 12:21

How about joining a gym, you meet people and get fit at the same time. Win Win. Say you need atleast 3 nights a week to do so.

Emeralda · 16/02/2017 14:31

I'm wondering about the factors that might have led to this situation. Does your wife go out more because she has a more structured or organised social life? When I go out with my friends, we generally get our diaries out and put in when we're going to see each other next. DP does not own a diary and is more likely to say I met John down the road and he says Joe is playing a gig in that pub on Friday so I might nip along for a pint. Obviously we consult with each other before finalising arrangements but we approach how we plan our social lives differently.
Do you plan to work in future and could you be doing something linked to that?

BlackeyedSusan · 16/02/2017 14:47

try the library rhyme times etc. there are men who go to those. there is no waiting list for htose either.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 16/02/2017 15:01

Have you tried the toddler groups and children's centre sessions? I'm surprised if there are no dads there. Plenty at ours. I'm on mat leave and just made friends with a dad I met in the playground. I've never seen dads get the cold shoulder.

sleepy16 · 16/02/2017 15:33

There are dad's that go to the toddler groups I take mine (one being my bil).
I wouldn't even give it a second thought.