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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh and dodgy text messages.

51 replies

Beelzebop · 15/02/2017 20:14

About a month ago, I found some dodgy text messages from my dh to a woman, also in a relationship btw. We've done the heartfelt sorries etc and I have seen on here that I'm not the only one this has happened to. What I wanted to ask was, is there anyone who couldn't forgive? I think I have, then I realise that I don't trust him anymore. I would never have thought he would even do that let alone anything else. Is this usual or am I being too harsh? I can't stop thinking about him complimenting her breasts. Makes me feel sick.

OP posts:

ChicRock · 15/02/2017 20:22

After just a month and a few "heartfelt sorries" you think you've forgiven him?

You might be able to forgive in time but it'll take a lot more work on his part than "boo hoo I'm sorry".

What plan or ideas has he come up with, and what actions has he put in place to start earning your trust again?

mainlywingingit · 15/02/2017 20:24

I would be concerned he has actually finished it. He is likely to do it again unless he is close to losing everything. I would get him to move out to be honest and see how it goes from there.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

FritzDonovan · 15/02/2017 20:28

I don't think you'll ever really trust him again. You'll think you do, but the feelings of being lied to etc will all come flooding back if anything dodgy happens in the future. Even years from now. And then you'll wonder why you didn't leave him when he first showed how dishonest he could be.
(And yes, I am projecting, but I stand by my words...)

Original poster

Beelzebop · 15/02/2017 20:44

Chic, I am rather resentful as little has happened. Fritz you may be right. I cannot believe that people are so stupid. Apparently it's not cheating. I believe that it is.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/02/2017 20:47

Who told you it "wasn't cheating" ?

Your cheating husband ?

user1479305498 · 15/02/2017 20:53

I so understand. I am having trouble moving on from a pile of lyrics/poems MY DH (21 year marriage) wrote for someone else (21 year old when he was 42) 11 years ago. I only found them 2 months ago and although I had suspicions at the time in 2006 that something was going on, it kind of went away and I moved on and sort of forgot. Finding all this stuff is overwhelming, its like Ive been married to someone I dont really know and yet see far more than most people as we work together -, who talked about wanting to escape and betrayal and lies being ok when he looked into their eyes. What can i say, even though its 11 years ago, I simply cannot mentally move on and in process of getting ducks in a row. Im sorry but I find the written thing much worse than someone who just has a 1 night standonce you have seen it in front of you in black and white, its pretty hard to move on mentally. especially if like me, son is 18 and not at home so no DC to really have to put first. Why are many people such tw**ts, ! Like your partner, Mine too hasnt really got beyond sorrys, a couple of nights of looking a bit upset and saying "it was all in his head" fantasy crush on his side only (which I dont believe) and then keeps asking me "everything ok" ?? of course it isnt you idiot! thats why Im in IC and dont want to rush home after work. He expects that sex will be back on the menu after6 weeks of me sulking too.

Original poster

Beelzebop · 15/02/2017 20:59

Is there anybody who has had this and managed to rebuild their trust? How did you do it? Thanks xx

OP posts:

ChicRock · 15/02/2017 21:04

There's not very much you can do, it's mostly got to come from him.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 15/02/2017 21:06

It's not for you to rebuild the trust it's for your husband. It's got to come from him.is he only sorry that he got caught?

Original poster

Beelzebop · 15/02/2017 21:13

Pam, We just had another bicker about it. During which he said "I wish I'd deleted them", so possibly.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 15/02/2017 21:55

Wake up & smell the coffee. He's cheating

ChocoChou · 15/02/2017 22:03

Hey OP. It's a shit situation to be in. When it happened to me I listened to all the boo hoo I'm sorry but I knew I wouldn't be able to ever trust him again so I 'took him back' but I had mentally checked out 100%.
I used the next few months to get my 'get out quick' plan sorted. Squirrelled away cash, made sure I was secure in my career. And I waited for it to happen again.
It happened again of course. I was prepared and left.

Of course, that was my experience and it's possible your DP could really be remorseful and not do it again.
Now I have zero trust in men whatsoever unfortunately xx

HerOtherHalf · 15/02/2017 22:04

Why do you feel compelled to forgive him? Is it because you still love him and genuinely want it to work or is it because you are still in shock and just running on autopilot doing what you think is the noble thing? Do what is best for you. Personally, if someone fundamentally betrays my trust they don't get a second chance, no matter who they are or how invested I am.

bert3400 · 15/02/2017 22:07

My DH was on a chat site called Kik ...not sure how long it went on ( I think about 4 months) but I knew something was going on ( odd phone behaviour) anyway I found out , I never saw what messages where sent but i know he x changed photos and chat with several women . Both of us where completely devastated when I caught him out ...did counselling etc . A year and a half down the line we are pretty much back to normal ...but I will never completely trust him again ..like I did before . What is different for us is we also work together 5 days a week running a business and spend every weekend doing a hobby with our kids ...so he doesn't have a chance to cheat again( I do count chat sites as cheating ) . We do get on really well and are totally in love but for some reason he need a confidence boost , but I think he has realised his confidence boost is not worth loosing his family for . He doesn't have any passwords on his phone now and he leaves it around the house with no secrecy . It's been hard to get to this point and if he EVER puts another foot wrong with infidelity ..I'm out of here !! Good luck OP it's a freaking horrible and I hope you get to the right outcome

AliceThrewTheFookingGlass · 15/02/2017 22:07

I'm about 5 years on and I still haven't properly forgiven him. He knows what he did was wrong and says the look on my face when I found out broke his heart and he didn't ever want to do that to me again. I trust him more now but our relationship is still damaged.

Your husband says he wishes he deleted the texts, in other words he wishes you hadn't have found out about them not that he wishes he didn't do it in the first place. If he's not even remorseful you're completely wasting your time by attempting to forgive him. A person who sees no wrong in their actions will not change.

bella4024 · 15/02/2017 22:26

I founds texts from OH to a female colleague about two years ago telling her she looked beautiful on a work night out as well as very friendly banter, so not as bad as your situation. However, it really hurt and if I'm totally honest, I still haven't fully forgiven and forgotten. I don't dwell on it all the time, but every time I doubt something it's always there.
Hope things can work out how you want them to

FritzDonovan · 15/02/2017 22:34

I'm about 20 years on from the initial incident and thought I'd completely gotten over it, everything was great etc. 9 months ago potentially dodgy things happened and a few old things came to light which I hadn't known about at the time. These last 9 months have been pretty crap overall as all the insecurities are back again. I feel like I'm back where I started, so he obv didn't change enough fundamentally, despite all protestations of innocence now. We argue a lot. Once you know you've been lied to to your face it's really hard to get back from. I'm not sure I'll be able to this time. Have great admiration for those who can. What might be different in my case is that I have never felt like I have got the whole truth in everything. He never said he was devastated by seeing how upset I was, or anything like that. If you feel OH is owning up to everything maybe give counselling a try so he can get outside confirmation that what he did was unacceptable. If he doesn't believe this, chances are something else will come up later on...

ANameToHide · 15/02/2017 23:39

For me, I don't think I could forgive at all to be honest, once that trust is broken it's a deal breaker.
I'd also be less likely to forgive if I only knew because I'd caught him, as if he hadn't been caught it would have carried on.

It doesn't have to be physical to be unfaithful, he knew what he was doing was wrong and he knew it would hurt you, otherwise he wouldnt have hid it, and he did it anyway, I genuinely don't think I could get past that and certainly not in just a few weeks, it would take me longer than to think about what I wanted to be honest. You're expecting too much of yourself, allow yourself time to let it sink in and think properly. There's no rush and if he genuinely wanted to do what's best for you he would give you the space to do that.

I kind of think if someone is sorry, they'd stop the chatting when it becomes sexual and work on their own marriage, and when someone only stops because they've been caught I'd always be wondering how far he would have gone and if he's only sorry because he got caught and had to face the consequences. Actions speak louder than words.

Original poster

Beelzebop · 16/02/2017 04:03

Thanks so much for your replies, I really appreciate them.. It's made me realise that maybe I am not being unreasonable after all. I made a major mistake in looking her up which didn't help. Let's just say her profile picture leaves little to the imagination. I don't think anything is now happening. What has made me think a lot was the number of other ops going through similar and also after I read a post about someone's partner "consoling" a woman, that was one of my dh explanations. He seems shocked at how upset I am, and very upset himself. I love him very much and this is the only time I know of... I just feel so low, can't sleep, can't believe I feel so betrayed by some bloody silly behaviour.

OP posts:

FritzDonovan · 16/02/2017 05:11

Don't feel bad. It's not silly behaviour, it's behaviour that he has hidden because it's not acceptable in a decent relationship. I can't believe the number of men who get carried away by their ego and think it's fine.

Ellisandra · 16/02/2017 08:02

Yeah, they're so often "consoling" women, aren't they?
Nice double whammy there that not only are they not guilty, they were actually being a hero!!!

Tell, when was the last time you turned to a man for consoling? Yeah, I'm sure it happens - occasionally. Most women I know having trouble? Their confidantes are other women.

You can't do anything to rebuild the trust - it has to come from him. And minimising it, telling you it wasn't cheating and that he should have just deleted it really doesn't show much coming from him, does it?

Original poster

Beelzebop · 16/02/2017 09:08

No, you are all right. I can't do anything. What I really don't get is why I feel such murderous feelings of revenge against the OW. I know that that's just distracting me from my dh, the real issue for me, but it's there. I really am shocked at how common this issue is. I reckon there's more than we know. If you did manage to move forward do you have any tips? By the way, if there is any sniff of this sort of thing again, I will LTB 100%.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2017 09:36

I'm right where you are now.
My ExP hasn't actually (well he may have by now) put his dick in her but he was so close to doing so.
Gave him ultimatum, he carried on.
So it's over.
I know I can never trust him again.
I became a paranoid stalking freak, checking is ipad every second I could.
It's not good for me.
It's just not me at all really.
So it had to end.
Bit sad, but I'll move on.
I just don't see him the same way anymore.
There's also other things I found as well and I can't forgive.
It's true - No trust = No relationship

kaitlinktm · 16/02/2017 10:19

I tried to forgive and forget and patch things up because of the children mostly. If MN had been around then I probably wouldn't have - I got as far as taking legal advice though.

However I just spent another 8 miserable years feeling second best - and then he said he wanted to leave anyway. My self esteem has never recovered and 14 years on I have never had another partner. (He remarried within weeks of our decree absolute coming through.)

Like your H - he didn't really feel he had done anything wrong. (He felt I had driven him to it.)

I would tell him how you feel, ask what HE is going to do to mend this and give it a certain amount of time (perhaps don't tell him this bit.)

troodiedoo · 16/02/2017 10:32

this happened to a friend of mine, he was messaging girls on fb. they had counselling, moved on but my friend is a paranoid shell of the confident woman she once was. Only if there is genuine remorse can you start to get over it. Good luck whatever you do.

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