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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh and dodgy text messages.

51 replies

Beelzebop · 15/02/2017 20:14

About a month ago, I found some dodgy text messages from my dh to a woman, also in a relationship btw. We've done the heartfelt sorries etc and I have seen on here that I'm not the only one this has happened to. What I wanted to ask was, is there anyone who couldn't forgive? I think I have, then I realise that I don't trust him anymore. I would never have thought he would even do that let alone anything else. Is this usual or am I being too harsh? I can't stop thinking about him complimenting her breasts. Makes me feel sick.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2017 10:43

troo that's exactly why I had to end it.
I knew I'd become that person already and wasn't going to put up with it anymore.
The relief I felt was immense.
He can do what he likes now and I don't care (much) and so can I.
Does your friend really want to live her life like this?
It's not fun and I only did it for about 6 weeks!

CityMole · 16/02/2017 10:50

He wishes he's deleted them?? Oh I bet he does.

He's not sorry he betrayed you. He's just sorry he got caught.

Adora10 · 16/02/2017 11:08

He's crossed a line that should never be crossed, you will never be able to trust him again; he's broken it, not you, it's up to him to repair the damage, do not take the blame for him giving himself permission to shit all over your marriage, he did it, not you, he didn't come to you and say he was unhappy and let's fix this, no, he looked elsewhere, I'd be worried he does it again once the drama has died down tbh; once you show yourself as a sneak and a cheat, it's hard to see them any other way after that.

Peace0fmind · 16/02/2017 12:40

It's good you saw the messages and are now aware of his potential behaviour. I've had this going on for ten years, just a message I saw years ago. Now I have proof finally! I'm actually revealed.
My H is very contrite and saying all the right things. How can I believe a word he says anymore? People never cease to amaze me with their deceptions.
OP take this as a warning and you can make your mind up what you decide to do in your own time.

Original poster

Beelzebop · 16/02/2017 13:18

Thank you, you are all keeping me sane! I have just sent an exhaustive list to him of what I think cheating is and if he isn't able to not do any of those then he can forget it. He has been desperately diy ing all over the place which is a start I suppose. It will take more than that though. I feel absolutely icy, I don't trust easily so to have my trust broken just confirms my general anxiety about being close to someone if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Adora10 · 16/02/2017 13:21

But he's already done it OP, he'll say whatever he has to in order to stop you throwing his cheating arse out.

Has he actually had a consequence?

MontePulciana · 16/02/2017 13:21

Hi. He will do it again. Sorry but they always do.

Original poster

Beelzebop · 16/02/2017 13:23

What do you think of my list? Just so we are clear. I think that the following are cheating.
Inappropriate chats or talking about subjects about bodies, sex, consoling women, being there for another woman in her hour of need etc. You are MY husband not theirs.
Touching, kissing, sex, oral sex etc.
Keeping secrets or having text.
conversations which you keep secret.
Same goes for social media, phone or text sex, having a wank on reddit, whatever.
Spending time and sharing emotions with another woman.
Yes, it's a long list but what has hurt me most is the intimate conversations. A lot of women would say that. If you want to know what a cliche you are have a look at all the women moaning about their partner doing the same as you. If you don't like the above, and agree to it now we are done. Sorry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beelzebop · 16/02/2017 13:25

Adora, I know, my brain is too messed up to make a decision at the moment that. All that is making me feel better is that I don't think he dtd.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beelzebop · 16/02/2017 13:26

Monte, I wish I didn't have to agree with you but a bit of me says that too.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2017 13:33

Take out the 'sorry,
You have nothing to be sorry for.
That's the same as my list would be.
It won't make an ounce of difference though.
Sorry. Bitter experience taking here!

AnyFucker · 16/02/2017 13:36

He knows what cheating is. He simply decided he would do it anyway.

He is not a child you need to teach how to behave properly.

Adora10 · 16/02/2017 13:43

He's not five so why are you sending him a list of your criteria of cheating; he's telling another woman he likes her breasts and is no doubt getting off on it; have you actually seen all the messages, do you actually know how far this went?

He knows perfectly well that he has betrayed your trust; he will just look and nod in agreement, doesn't matter, he's done it already.

Send him packing OP, at least for a little while, the problem is a lot of women on here do not give their husbands a consequence so it gets swept under the carpet, he will think what he has done aint so bad and will be back at it again in the future because you have showed him you will tolerate it.

You don't have to make any decision, tell him to go whilst you make your mind up.

GladysKnight · 16/02/2017 13:52

Don't like the sound of 'he will expect sex back on the menu once I've stopped sulking'. Has he made it clear he thinks yabu & are sulking? That would enrage and, frankly, disgust me.

GladysKnight · 16/02/2017 13:55

Oh, that was user longnumber not op. But same applies.

bluejelly · 16/02/2017 14:00

I tried to paper over the cracks over my ex, but once the trust is gone, it's gone, in my experience.

Sorry you've gone through this - it's bloody tough. If you do split up over it then it will take time to adjust to going down a path you didn't want to take. But be clear that it was him that sent you down the path, not you, by being unfaithful.

And actually when I look back at my experience I'm glad it happened. My life is immeasurably better without him, I have learnt so much more about myself and what I want out of life.

Don't be afraid to not forgive him.

Original poster

Beelzebop · 16/02/2017 16:41

I know I've already said it, but thank you so much all of you. I am thinking and reading your points xxx

OP posts:

Adora10 · 16/02/2017 16:53

If it only went as far as texting then you can recover from this but you should not trust him, he's broken the trust; it can be rebuilt but has to come from him and will take years before you feel safe in believing in him; it's perfectly normal to feel you can't trust him, if you felt otherwise then that would be a worry.

user1479305498 · 16/02/2017 16:56

Ha Gladys Knight , was me that said that. He hasnt said "sulking" as such but did say when i was upset in bed one night and quietly sniffing , he asked if I was ok and I said not really , he said if I was going to bring the subject up again in the night it was giving him a stomache ulcer. He also made it clear just by his manner that he felt stuff should be "back to normal" within weeks and said my IC was making me worse, not "better" Just so you know, Im not taking it lying down, getting ducks in a row and its complicated as we run a business together (and one where he holds all the cards) He can do without me, I couldnt him, if you see what i mean. The weird thing is he is actually a very emotional person, pretty deep, but this whole subject appears to be "off the menu for discussion" - he thinks by offering me lifts (he drives, I dont and doing a little more about the house it will all be forgotten) Im gobsmacked after 21 years how someones reaction can be not at all what you thought it would be.

troodiedoo · 16/02/2017 17:45

oh gosh Beelzebop my heart goes out to you x

SuperFlyHigh · 16/02/2017 18:02

My stepdad apparently cheated on my mum about 10-15 years ago, she found messages on his phone. She called him out on it then, but as they're not married and he wasn't retired then and she's 10 years older they stuck together. She felt sorry for him not being able to buy somewhere (even though they have property together abroad) as the main house is in her name. She didn't tell the family.

Fast forward about 2 years ago on a family trip without stepdad to see a dying family friend and dodgy texts again, this time sent from his phone to her phone (mum's) but assuming she wasn't coming back as she had been staying the night near family friend. All hell broke loose as this happened in the car with my DB with us and she admitted the other time. I've got no idea if it's same woman etc. mum said she spoke to stepdad when they returned but we've left them to it.

I hope he has stopped seeing OW again but unsure. It clouds any feelings of love or respect I have for him but I have to put a brave/nice face on things when I visit them. It's their relationship after all.

I personally could not forgive ever as I would not be able to believe him or trust him and the lies would get to me.

Luckily in my current relationship they know first sign of cheating and it's over.

FritzDonovan · 16/02/2017 19:58

yes, been down the conversation and listing boundaries route recently too OP. Off the back of another thread I read on here I asked him last night why men lie even when faced with evidence. He said he didn't know. After I said he should do, because he's done it (not just once) he came up with not wanting to admit to doing something they know is wrong, and not wanting to face any consequences. The dh on the thread I read had said something along the lines of not doing it again because of the look on her face when she found out, broke his heart (or hers, can't remember). To me, this just highlighted someone who's first thoughts were for themselves, not what would happen to the relationship if they were dishonest again. Almost along the lines of if it's sure not to be found out it could happen again. I may be wrong. Time will tell. Which of those categories do you feel your DH showed himself to be in OP?

Original poster

Beelzebop · 16/02/2017 23:28

fritz, honestly? He certainly seems terrified at the prospect of losing me, and the kids. I am so angry at the moment though that his apologies just irritate me. I would've said no, he wouldn't do it at all let alone again!

OP posts:

FritzDonovan · 17/02/2017 04:46

Just speaking from my experience. But I think as time goes by and everything goes back to boring normal, old thought patterns and behaviour creep in again. In my case dh is away a lot, I'd realistically have no idea if anything happened, maybe this makes him a bit less worried about staying on the straight and narrow, iyswim...

Eminado · 17/02/2017 06:33

I was just coming on to say "Hmmm" about the difference between "i wish I has deleted them" vs "i wish I hadn't done it". , but see someone has already raised that point. I would struggle to believe someone saying that is really sorry, I am afraid.

And why is he surprised you are upset? If the thinks it's really ok, i feel he will do it again. And just to be clear - it's really not ok behaviour.

Can you imagine if he caught you texting other men saying they had a nice looking dick - in what world would he accept that? The faux "i am so surprised you are hurt" act would really fuck me off, actually.

And now you have had to give him a written manual of how to behave appropriately? Nah. Loss of trust plus the loss of respect would put me in the game over zone.

He better buck up his ideas about how to fix this, and fast. Sorry he has done this to you.

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