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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

House or husband?

28 replies

MrsExpo · 14/02/2017 20:19

We've been offered the opportunity to move into a house which my DH co-owns it's his brother. We could move there pretty much immediately as it's been rented out but is now vacant, and live there for the cost of our overheads. This means we could sell our own house (not mortgaged and valued at around £375k), bank the money and live very well indeed for the rest of our lives. The problem is, it's 50 miles away in an area I don't know and we've been to see it today and I really don't like it at all. DH is saying he'll move anyway, whether I go or not.

So, do I move to save my marriage, or let him go and go it alone?

I'm 63, he's 70, both retired, we have no children and this is a second marriage for both of us. Help!!!

OP posts:
TeenyW123 · 14/02/2017 20:33

Well, if you went your separate ways, you might get half of the £375k.

pocketsaviour · 14/02/2017 20:35

DH is saying he'll move anyway, whether I go or not.

Seems like a bit of a nuclear threat. How is your marriage generally? I'm struggling to imagine a situation where one half of a happy and loving couple suddenly decides that if the other half won't move to a specific house that it's game over Confused

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/02/2017 20:36

What pocketsaviour said.

dudsville · 14/02/2017 20:38

I agree with poster up thread. If he's saying he'll go regardless if you do then he's already decided.

steppemum · 14/02/2017 20:47

why can't you sell the other house?

If the house is co-owned with his brother, does this mean that you would have to live with his brother? If not then why not just sell it and split the money?

Cannot imagine dh syaing this to me. Surely it is - where would we as a couple live ?

Canlifegetbetter · 14/02/2017 20:49

Does he have compelling reasons to move there?
Is he normally selfish or is this unusual?

OneWithTheForce · 14/02/2017 20:50

If you divorced would you be entitled to half of his share of the house he owns with his brother?

PaterPower · 14/02/2017 20:59

Is there a compromise to be had here? Is he looking to free some cash up because there's something he/you want to do? (Eg travel). Could you sell what you have now and downsize to free some funds?

Would his brother agree to sell up on the co-owned house so they can both have some ready cash? Or buy your husband out?

I assume the co-owned property was his before you and he met/married?

PatriciaHolm · 14/02/2017 21:02

Any particular reason he might need some cash quickly? Previous history of debts, gambling, etc?

Is he generally an arse?

Sweets101 · 14/02/2017 21:04

Eh? Fuck the house what are you going to do about your husband?!

Original poster
MrsExpo · 14/02/2017 21:09

Thanks for the replies and questions. The house is built on the site of the brothers' family home which they inherited when an elderly relative (who lived there more or less for free) passed away some years ago. Whilst the brothers own the site, the house was built with funds provided by BIL, so the ownership issue is a bit complicated - not a matter of simply selling and splitting the money. For DH it would be "going home". For me it would be quitting my home/life here and moving to a who.e new place. He wants to go ... I don't know what I want at the moment. I'm confused, upset and tearful .... more wine needed I think.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 14/02/2017 21:11

This is not really about a house move, it's about your husband's apparent willingness to end your marriage with more or less immediate effect. If you moved with him, then I guess you would be forever worried about your home being taken from you by either your H or his brother. And what about the cash you get? Will that be spent and dwindle to the point where you have nothing to invest in a new home, or for a rental, should you need it at a later date?

Is it a shock that your H wants to separate, or something that's been coming for some time?

OneWithTheForce · 14/02/2017 22:06

Do you think he has wanted to separate and has put this ultimatum to you knowing/hoping you won't go with him? Therefore making it your fault the relationship ends?

Montane50 · 14/02/2017 22:11

How long have you been married?, do you have any dcs? And whats in it for the db? (Presumably he'd benefit from 50% of the rent while tenanted-so by you moving in how will he benefit?)

Thephoneywar · 14/02/2017 22:15

He's 70 years old and has the opportunity to 'go home' and live in his childhood house for free with 375k to spend. I don't blame him for wanting to go.

meltownmary · 14/02/2017 22:24

Alarm bells. But anyway, do you HAVE to sell your house before moving there?

Why not try it out and compromise for say six months, a year and see how you get on with it?

I know Husband is sounding like a dick, but if it were me, I'd go along with it as long as the marital home is unsold.

Then after a while, get the vibe and go. Or you'd never know, you might actually like it.

But I get the feeling that's a no.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 15/02/2017 09:10

The house is built on the site of one his brother's family home which he inherited from an elderly relative. How on earth would it be going home?

I'd be very concerned that my DH was willing to break up over it. This would make me less inclined to uproot myself and move 50 miles to somewhere I didn't want to live to stay with a man who valued a relative's old house over me and was willing to ditch me for it.

Think carefully before you sell your co-owned home to move into somewhere where you don't have a clear financial interest and could get chucked out of if it all goes pear shaped. What are your/his plans for the money? If you buy a lovely holiday home which you co-own rather than fritter it away it would give you some protection and an accumulating asset it it does fall apart.

The ultimatum would be ringing alarm bells for me though, to be honest.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 15/02/2017 09:29

Another thought, what happens if he dies? Will the brother chuck you out on the street? Would you be legally protected and inherit his half plus the right to stay? Or would you be stuck living there because you had nowhere else to go and not enough money to buy elsewhere? A morbid thought maybe, but none of us are getting any younger!

Original poster
MrsExpo · 15/02/2017 09:57

Thanks again everyone for your further thoughts on the issue. Thinking it through, there are a huge number of fairly critical legal questions I need answers to, around who owns what, security of tenure etc and we need to have a solid conversation between ourselves and BiL before we make any move. If DH were to die, I would have a complex inheritance issue to resolve as we have mirror wills, but I'm unsure of the status of the ownership of the "family" house. Again, more questions than answers. Certainly BiL would be entitled to claim his costs back for building the place before any division of assets was agreed.

I feel a bit more rational about it all this morning and am going to have a solid discussion with DH about it now I'm calmer. We are agreed we want to downsize, but I'd always assumed we would do that by selling our current home and buying a smaller one around here somewhere. DH is visiting the place again tomorrow and I'm going to go with him, and try to look at it as a home this time, rather than an ex rental property in a bit of a mess (nothing a good clean and a lick of paint won't sort). Onwards and upwards.

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 10:14

While his attitude seems awful, I do think that deciding that you don't like an area in just one day is a little dismissive. Maybe see if it grows on you?

It may be the opportunity to free up sufficient capital to do some of those things which you've always wanted to.

ijustwannadance · 15/02/2017 10:25

What would happen if BIL died? Does he have a wife/children who would then want you out so they could sell up?

Could you buy a smaller property or flat in the area you live now so you could visit family and friends regularly?

Original poster
MrsExpo · 15/02/2017 12:47

"What would happen if BIL died? Does he have a wife/children who would then want you out so they could sell up?"

This is one of my key concerns. We don't have DCs but BiL has two daughters aged 21 and 24 who are (I assume) well provided for in the event BiL dies. I certainly don't want to be in a position to be chucked out by DH's niece in the event they inherit. There would have to be a substantial contingency fund put aside for me/us to buy a home in this event. But, on the other hand, we are moving to release some equity to give us a bit of working capital to provide us with nicer things in life as we get older, so, whilst i can certainly see the financial benefits, it's all the other issues which are bothering me.

DH is currently measuring our main bits of furniture in oder to see where it would fit on the new house (or not!). I know we'll have to get rid of some things, but he thinks if I can see how the place might be made into a nice home for us, I might look upon the whole plan a bit more favourably. >

OP posts:
SusannahL · 15/02/2017 13:04

Op, I am wondering how you feel about being presented with this ultimatum about going with him or he goes alone?
Apart from the complex legal issues regarding this house, how is your marriage generally?
How long have you been married?
Do you love this very controlling-sounding man MrsExpo?

Montane50 · 15/02/2017 15:35

But what does bil stand to gain by you moving in?
They lose rental income, so it doesn't seem to make sense tbh

Naicehamshop · 15/02/2017 15:46

I'd be a bit inclined to say "off you go then, love!"

Where does he get off on issuing ultimatums and threats like that? Hmm