Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I wrong to feel confused

36 replies

kidsinamerica73 · 13/02/2017 10:04

This is a weird one...
I've been with my do for about 7 months so is very much a fledgling relationship although I thought we were pretty open with each other.
So, here's the thing...
He was married before, when we started dating friends told me his ex wife was beautiful so of course I had a snoop on his fb and saw his pics of her, yes she is beautiful.
The other day I walked past a shop which is across the road from my house and thought I recognised her working in the window. Later on that eve I asked ' is she working there' he replied yes. I said it was strange he never mentioned it as we both pass there most days and it's next door to my local pub and where I take the kids to meals and meet friends for coffee etc, literally I pass there maybe 8 times a day and sit outside there waiting for my bus etc!
Supposedly this woman hurt him v badly years ago and he's been single ever since. But he has mentioned her a few times in conversations so it would not be unusual to say she works across the road from our house!
This isn't the first time he's omitted info , he's v private and defensive but tbh this has rocked me a bit. I have my period so don't know if I'm being unreasonable to feel slightly more doubtful of him now and dare I say ambivalent about our relationship .
He thinks it want worth mentioning but now every one I pass there I'm conscious that she's there, her seat is right in the window and she is stunning even in her shitty uniform!
I don't know how to come back from this, especially with Valentine's tomorrow.
Am I being a dick?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 13/02/2017 10:07

Did he move into your house? I would be very worried if he'd bought a house opposite her workplace.

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/02/2017 10:08

I don't think it's odd to have not told you where she works, tbh. The fact it bothers you is the issue rather than whether he told you or not.

It sounds like your self confidence is low at the moment, and you have doubts about the relationship. What was the context of him saying his ex was beautiful? Did you ask him what she was like, or did he talk about it without prompting? I'm just wondering why he told you that and how it came up.

tinglyfing · 13/02/2017 10:12

He didn't say she was beautiful - friends of op did.

tinglyfing · 13/02/2017 10:14

Maybe he felt awkward about telling you she works so close by? Possibly didn't want it to infringe on your fairly new relationship?

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/02/2017 10:19

Oops, reading comprehension fail... ok, so ignore what I said about him mentioning what she looks like!

user1486956786 · 13/02/2017 10:25

I don't think it's weird he didn't tell you, he was probably trying to avoid exactly what's happening now, now you know it's disrupting your life.

TheNaze73 · 13/02/2017 10:29

She's an ex for a reason, he's chosen to be with you now, so move on. If you reread your post, as a 3rd party, you'll see you're behaviour is a bit odd to say the least.

Original poster

kidsinamerica73 · 13/02/2017 10:40

No he didn't move into my house, we've only been together 7 months and I have kids etc
we spend a lot of time at my house and in that vicinity, we will have walked past together hundreds of times and she will have been in the window while we're passing.
Friends had told me she was stunning etc and I had a look in his pics on his fb because curiosity killed the cat.
To be fair if he'd told me ages ago I would not be so weirded out. It's not the fact that she works there it's the fact that he never said. We could bump into her anytime and then it would transpire that he's known all along that she's there. I don't know, I'm not explaining myself very well.

Thanks people for feedback, if I'm the one who's odd then so be it, I guess I have issues with people not telling me stuff...

OP posts:

tinglyfing · 13/02/2017 10:41

You're not being odd op. Am guessing you feel insecure because dp isn't very good at communicating.

I also think it's perfectly natural to be curious about a "beautiful" ex.

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/02/2017 10:44

I think it might be that he's hoping to avoid the issue altogether! So nothing sinister, just a bit of avoidance of an awkward conversation, perhaps.

How long had they been divorced when you started seeing him?

Original poster

kidsinamerica73 · 13/02/2017 10:51

tinglyfing that's exactly it. Things crop up sometimes, quite big stuff that's been going on in his life and he just mentions it in passing weeks after the event and some stuff he's told me is just not my business so I do feel very shut out, some of it to do with her, some of it just general life stuff.
When I said I was upset at it just being another thing I'm not allowed to know he then threw in my face how I have regular contact with my kids' father.
They don't have kids together and have been split up four years. I'm the first person he's been with since her.

OP posts:

Original poster

kidsinamerica73 · 13/02/2017 10:53

When I asked friends they all thought it was weird and said they'd be pissed off but I thought maybe they're humouring me as they're my friends which is why I came here for the no holds barred stuff!

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/02/2017 11:00

Ok, so in the context of the other things he's been saying, I think he's being unreasonable. Telling you that some things are none of your business isn't exactly a great way of communicating with you. It's a bit dismissive and closed off. Complaining about necessary contact with the father of your children is also unreasonable. He does sound like he isn't letting you in to his life fully, for whatever reason. Do you think you could talk to him about it, or would he cut off the conversation/react badly?

ElspethFlashman · 13/02/2017 11:14

Doesn't sound remotely like this relationship has legs tbh.

He has compartmentalised you away from his real life concerns.

It is unusual for someone he has not talked to in 4 years to come up in conversation at all, tbh. And he didn't mention she worked there cos she is his business, not yours.

Don't make plans with this bloke.

TheStoic · 13/02/2017 11:31

I don't think I'd point out an Ex from 4 years ago to my current partner.

And I think it would be weird if I was walking along with him and he said 'Oh btw, my ex works in there.'

I'd just be thinking....'So?'

Chickiwick · 13/02/2017 11:45

I think you need to talk to him really honestly and openly about it all. The reality is that people deal with personal issues very differently. Some share very quickly and some just don't - they can be embarrassed, find it emotionally difficult, want to process it themselves before sharing etc.

The biggest indicator for a successful relationship imo is good communication (I'm assuming chemistry/attraction is a given). My husband and I have had a few ups and downs but we talk things through really fully and it just stops us feeling resentful.

We're not perfect but almost all the friends I have who have relationship friction have issues communicating.

Good luck.

And ignore the 'beautiful' thing - it really is irrelevant. I'm fat, have crooked teeth and an a bit quirky looking and my husband is tall, slim and traditionally handsome. Shallow people don't 'get it' but we have a deep connection and looks really don't come into it. You chose each other and that's enough.

Original poster

kidsinamerica73 · 13/02/2017 12:13

thestoic
re: ex of four years ago: I think as she is his only ex from recent history and that she does crop up in his convos now and then makes her more than just an ex. He just does now and then as part of normal convos so it did feel like a huge omission.
If it were reversed I probably wouldn't bother if it had been an old boyfriend or more casual boyfriend but if it was my ex husband right by his house and next to his local I'd mention it for fear that we'll al bump into each other and it being awkward, forewarned is forearmed as they say.
Without going into too much detail he let her actions dramatically alter the course of his life and she is still in his life in a minimal way, she still messages him now and then and he's meant to meet her to collect some things etc, says he hasn't responded to her messages but had previously told me it's none of my business if he meets or communicates with her so I feel I'm the dark on the subject.

OP posts:

Original poster

kidsinamerica73 · 13/02/2017 12:14

chickiwick I too am fat with crooked teeth! Thank you x

OP posts:

TheStoic · 13/02/2017 12:21

Yes and if she is literally right across the road from your house, it possibly is a bit weirder NOT to mention it...

OliviaStabler · 13/02/2017 12:25

The 'none of your business' comment would have me deeply concerned. You've been with him seven months not seven weeks.

I'd assume from that comment that he doesn't see this relationship going anywhere.

BonnyScotland · 13/02/2017 12:26

I think your being a little bit hard on him... and yourself.... he chose to have a relationship with you ... he's waited 4 years to do this because he needed time to heal... he is now able to pass his Ex and it not matter... this is positive not negative...

He needs to talk to you more openly... but would you be upset knowing he still chats to his ex... ? I think you'll be okay x

Foxysoxy01 · 13/02/2017 12:37

If you look st this another way he has been living close enough to walk past his ex everyday when going to work for the last 4 years. He could and tried again with her at any point during that time. He didn't though he met you and wants to be with you not his ex or he would be dropping in to her work and phoning her, trying to get back with her.

It's not great he didn't tell you and he needs to massively work on his communication.

He obviously finds you attractive in fact probably more so than ex or again he would be with her instead.

Please don't let this knock your confidence. He has handled it really badly but maybe that's a good thing as you can now have a chat about what you will and won't accept in the relationship.

Chickiwick · 13/02/2017 12:39

I don't like the 'none of your business' comment. I literally wouldn't say that about anything to my husband, even that early.

I might say 'I'll let you know when I see them but I see no reason to stop' or similar but even if something isn't their business, it's a rude thing to say.

My husband and I maintain separate accounts for personal spends - I'm frivolous and he is a saver - I spend all my money every month. He says that's none of his business because we save jointly and our financial commitments are met and come first. But if he asked me how I was able to waste all that money I'd not say it wasn't his business - it's rude in a committed relationship.

Original poster

kidsinamerica73 · 13/02/2017 13:18

TBH he's gone cold on me now anyway. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong and can't understand why it's unsettled me, I can't explain it to him, we've had the conversation loads of times about him not communicating stuff to me, he just says it's not important but it usually is about things which are clearly very important to him.
So he always says he will open up more but honestly I get nothing from him really in terms of sharing stuff with me. He happily shares my home as he doesn't like where he is, spends all our time at mine, which is probably another reason this omission feels weird , he'd see her every time he leaves mine to go to work etc and blah blah blah.
I feel so wrong footed I don't know if it's worth the bother we get on really well in present time but he's a miserable fucker when challenged or doesn't get his own way and I do all the entertaining. I started a new business recently and he showed nil interest until I got upset about it then he showed what can only be classed as half arsed interest that was clearly shown under duress and expressed concern about the amount of time it would take me away from him.

OP posts:

Original poster

kidsinamerica73 · 13/02/2017 13:22

Ps thanks for all replies. We had a big make or break thing over new year as I was feeling disjointed and that things were unequal. He promised things would change but things changed for about five minutes.
TBH I wonder if he's had too much time alone and grieving. He's not over what happened with him and his wife, whether he's over her or not is a different subject but his modus operandi seems to be shut everything down and this affected him so badly and the reasons is something that as a couple down the line we'd need to discuss but he's told me more than once he's unwilling to discuss it. Maybe we're at an impasse.
I know it sounds stupid but it seems weird having an impasse the day before Valentine's!
Fortunately he's already warned me he's skint on our first commercial celebration day of love so has assured me he'll do a card...

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread