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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i being taken advantage of?

37 replies

isobel79 · 12/02/2017 10:33

So its 1026am. My sister and my cousin went out last night leaving there kids with me. They have two each. I have one of my own. They decided to stay at my cousins as there wouldnt be enough "bed space" (me and the kids are at my sisters)!!! AIBU to think that they should have least come back at a decent time this morning. They didnt even as if i had plans today. Over the past few months ive noticed that my sister is a "taker" if i ask her to do ANYTHING for me its always a problem yet if she asks me to look after her kids, stay overnight if she has a night shift or if she needs me to stop with her kids for couple hours i never say no. She drives i drive but dont have a car. If i come to my sisters i get a cab she would not offer to collect us. Im just so pissed off with her. She really does use me and its been going on for years. She isnt interested in anything i do. Ive been having issues with my LO dad. We saw him yesterday so that he could spend time with our son. She didnt even ask how it went. If it wasn't for my.nieces i wouldn't even bother.

OP posts:
Original poster
isobel79 · 12/02/2017 10:36

She wouldnt even offer and say "o ill have LO one for the night". Why do i let her use me. Its gone past a joke. I havent even had a call ot text this morning to say "is everything ok"

OP posts:
happypoobum · 12/02/2017 10:37

What would happen if you said "No" sometimes?

SayNoToCarrots · 12/02/2017 10:38

If I were you, when they finally come to collect their children, I would say that I had missed out on something important I was going to do today, and if they can't be relied upon to treat your time with respect, you will not be babysitting again.

MatildaTheCat · 12/02/2017 10:39

Yes she's taking the piss. Possibly not purposely. As she's your sister and your lives sound quite closely linked I would ask her to have a coffee somewhere neutral for a chat and tell her calmly how you feel rather than explode and hove a big row ( she will gain the upper hand) or silently seethe.

Then set boundaries. If you are sitting the DC overnight, set a time for collection. If you do more favours and then need one back, ask her for a lift if possible. Tell her straight it feels unbalanced.

Original poster
isobel79 · 12/02/2017 10:47

Thanks all i dont know what would happen. She would have to ask someone else. Because we live five mins apart i think she uses that to her advantage but im just sick of it they still haven't come back. I mean thats just taking the mick!!!!! Four children plus my own. Come on now. Twice ive asked her to do something for me this week and both times she has made an issue out of it

OP posts:
Original poster
isobel79 · 12/02/2017 10:47

Thanks all i dont know what would happen. She would have to ask someone else. Because we live five mins apart i think she uses that to her advantage but im just sick of it they still haven't come back. I mean thats just taking the mick!!!!! Four children plus my own. Come on now. Twice ive asked her to do something for me this week and both times she has made an issue out of it

OP posts:
Original poster
isobel79 · 12/02/2017 10:49

Thanks all i dont know what would happen. She would have to ask someone else. Because we live five mins apart i think she uses that to her advantage but im just sick of it they still haven't come back. I mean thats just taking the mick!!!!! Four children plus my own. Come on now. Twice ive asked her to do something for me this week and both times she has made an issue out of it. Ive just had a text "is everything ok" FFS

OP posts:
Dieu · 12/02/2017 10:53

Unless you learn to say no and be more assertive, you will carry round this resentment towards your sister forever.
Work out what you are happy to do for her, before resentment kicks in. So this may include, say, 1 or 2 overnights per month. When she has used that up, then she would need to find someone else.
It's all about boundaries, so that everyone knows where they're at.
Plan a big night out for yourself, tell her about it ages in advance, and ask her to have your child. That way there's no excuse to let you down and if she does, you will know to say 'no' next time.
It has to work both ways.

toptoe · 12/02/2017 10:56

It's a two way street - you learn to say 'no', she learns to accept you aren't always at her beck and call. You can do it. The worst is she'll get cross and moan, but then after a couple of weeks she'll be needing to ask you again and will be a bit more accomodating - especially if you say 'I'll do it if you look after mine on such and such a date'.

LIZS · 12/02/2017 10:56

Mabe , but it can only happen if you allow it. Do you get to go out with cousin or sister and leave your lo babysat?

Original poster
isobel79 · 12/02/2017 11:03

Thanks all and the funny thing is they never even asked me if i would like to go with them last night. And the house party they went too i know the person!!!!!

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 12/02/2017 11:24

'Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me'. Put all this seething to good use, isobel, and decide how you're going to change things. You can't make your sister thoughtful of you when she's clearly shown that she's not; so all you can do, is offer just as much as you're prepared to without feeling resentful, and no more. Who knows, maybe that will make her more respectful of you. It's worth a try!

Original poster
isobel79 · 12/02/2017 11:29

Thank you all ...... And they still aint back !!!!!! Unbelievable good job the kids are well behaved otherwise it would have been unbearable x

OP posts:
Original poster
isobel79 · 12/02/2017 12:11

And they still aint back

OP posts:
EighthElement · 12/02/2017 12:13

When they get back tell them you can't wait for the childfree weekend away you're going to take when they mind your child Smile

HeCantBeSerious · 12/02/2017 12:16

Phone them and give them a strict deadline to pick up the children. Stop being a doormat and start bloody valuing yourself, woman!

Original poster
isobel79 · 12/02/2017 12:25

U r so right. I need to value myself im just fed up

OP posts:
BonnyScotland · 12/02/2017 12:31

Say NO... and do not explain yourself.. you start to explain yourself your just giving them an avenue to persuade you why you should say YES...

practice saying NO in the mirror... it's one of the hardest things you have to learn to do... but you will feel better honestly ..

HappyJanuary · 12/02/2017 12:46

Next time they ask you to have their kids overnight you say no and remind them of today, when doing a kind thing ended up wiping out your Sunday and preventing you from doing anything for yourself.

And yes you need to be more assertive. I have a neighbour like this. She uses and uses until people get fed up, and moves on to the next gullible fool. She genuinely doesn't see that she's doing anything wrong - she says things like 'if you don't ask you don't get' and 'if they didn't want to do it they wouldn't' and 'people should say no, not say yes and then bitch about it'.

Be assertive. You'll be surprised I think, because you'll probably find they respect and appreciate you more.

scootinFun · 12/02/2017 12:51

Text back 'no'. Then let them know you're leaving at 1 latest and they'll need to get their arses into gear. And then don't babysit again.

ElspethFlashman · 12/02/2017 12:55

I never say no

There's your problem right there.

Sorry OP but she treats you like a mug because you are a mug. Sorry if that's a bit harsh. I know you probably don't even know how to say no at this stage.

I would actually suggest to you that far from trying to avoid a row, you should consider this issue to be worth a row.

If you think it's worth a row, it does make you braver.

ElspethFlashman · 12/02/2017 12:57

I would definitely text them "My cab is booked for 1". No apologies, just a statement of fact.

Chickennuggetfeeder · 12/02/2017 13:05

Hi op im very like you i am awful at saying no and because of that people do take the piss. I have got a bit better at saying no over the years but its not easy. All i can say is do you want to live your life being used by every one.

LIZS · 12/02/2017 13:11

Walk them all your cousin's and head home.

Original poster
isobel79 · 12/02/2017 13:24

Omg I wanna cry they've come back and brought lunch for the kids asked them if they want sausage bacon etc and haven't even asked me if I want anything. I've just asked for a lift home and it's a struggle. I wanna cry my eyes are filling up but I don't want them to see

OP posts:
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