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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tinder

29 replies

lulalullabye · 12/02/2017 05:08

I need a bit of advice. I had made the decision after 13 years of marriage that I wanted to leave. No love, intimacy etc etc. I told my dh and he understood, said he wanted to try again etc etc. I know that this won't work. I've felt like this for a long time.
Anyway at work the other day a girl that I work with came to speak to me and told me she had seen his picture and profile on Tinder.
He denied it. My question is and I probably know the answer, he has to be lying right??? There is no other way his picture would be in there. It's a selfie quite obviously and taken within the last month I think.
Any thoughts would be great!

OP posts:

Missbohan · 12/02/2017 05:11

Go on tinder and check? Assuming if he was / is on it he hasn't deleted. Sounds like he was - if he knows you want to end the marraige maybe he is testing the waters to see how he would go about starting again if you do leave

Original poster

lulalullabye · 12/02/2017 05:18

I think this was before I told him. I don't recognise the background in the picture. He recently visited his mum for 10 days, we live overseas and I think it was her house. I think he had probably deleted it. I will find a friend who has it and get them to check although he will have deleted it by now! I told him I had the screenshot, he didn't even ask too see the picture. If that was me and I was innocent I would have demanded to see a picture of myself!

OP posts:

Missbohan · 12/02/2017 05:21

So you've seen the screenshot then you know he has been on it? How else would person who told you have been able to screenshot the picture? And more imporantly, in that case, how can he deny it? Sounds fairly obvious to me op sorry

Original poster

lulalullabye · 12/02/2017 06:53

I know, just wanted to confirm it. I know he knows that I know and I had already made the decision and told him, when I got this information. I am more pissed off that he denied it than he did it.

OP posts:

Missbohan · 12/02/2017 14:34

Fair enough, but he knows it was wrong so it isn't likely he will ever admit it. Was very shitty of him though - obviously!

RestlessTraveller · 12/02/2017 15:23

If you've split up and you don't want to try again I fail to see why it's any of your business.

LesisMiserable · 12/02/2017 15:39

I'm struggling to see what the problem is if you want to split up as well? You might see it as him taking no time whatsoever to grieve over the relationship and moving straight on - which is fairly typical of men to be honest, not because they're heartless bastards but because their ego is at it's most delicate when they've affectively been rejected by their partner and so looking for immediate validation from other women - on tinder in this case - is not uncommon.

The question is why do you care? If you still hold some sexual jealousy over him perhaps all is not lost and it's just communication that has broken down?

Original poster

lulalullabye · 12/02/2017 20:14

We hadn't split up at this point. I had told him I didn't want to be with him any more the day before and I was told he had been on tinder 12 hrs later by a girl from work who took the screen shot a week before. Does that make sense? So basically she took the picture a week before I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 12/02/2017 20:57

It makes perfect sense, yes. Presumably when you told him you didn't want to be with anymore things hadn't been good for a while - knowing what you know now you're making the right decision

Happybunny19 · 12/02/2017 21:00

I'm also struggling to understand why it's a problem if you already decided you wanted to end the relationship. He probably sensed you'd checked out already. He's entitled to move on when he likes now he's single.

Original poster

lulalullabye · 13/02/2017 01:33

It's not a problem. We were together when he did it and he denied it. It's the final nail in the coffin for me and at no point did I say it was a problem. The fact that he had his profile on tinder before we had a talk about splitting up was the issue and the fact that he denied it.

OP posts:

RaeofSun · 13/02/2017 07:25

OP, sorry you had to find out he has obviously been looking but good on your friend for being honest with you about the picture. He could have instigated the discussion before signing up to Tinder.

As you said, final nail? You will find happiness and now you know the truth about him.

Original poster

lulalullabye · 13/02/2017 09:57

Thanks Rae, I am trying to do things day by day si he gets used to it. We have two kids so is important to make it as amicable as possible. He would be happy to stay in the house in the same room but that wouldn't work for anybody. We also live overseas do not near family etc etc do important that he remains good with the kids etc.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 13/02/2017 12:09

Honestly the amount of couples I know who have found their partners on dating sites is unbelievable and yes even posting their pic!

Well now you know you've done the right thing OP, there's every chance he's been on it for a while too; the girl told you in good faith I'm sure.

Original poster

lulalullabye · 13/02/2017 14:27

Adora, I am forever grateful to get!

OP posts:

Original poster

lulalullabye · 13/02/2017 22:32

Sorry 'her'

OP posts:

Gallavich · 13/02/2017 22:33

You can't get on tinder by accident

Original poster

lulalullabye · 14/02/2017 02:20

Exactly gallavich! As much as he denies it I know it's all bollocks!

OP posts:

EmilyRosanne · 14/02/2017 11:29

I had similar with my ex. I think men and women deal with the break up differently generally. Particularly when it was your decision to leave I think they feel hurt/insecure and want to have their ego massaged by going on one of these sites and having people tell them how good looking they are or just to test the waters to see what it will be like if/when you split.

For me (started as trial separation) I was actually sort of relieved as it gave me that final push to leave, knowing that instead of trying to make our family work/sort our issues, he selfishly just wanted to look elsewhere.

Hopefullyoneday1 · 14/02/2017 11:38

As others have said you were splitting up anyway. I know you say this happened while you were still together, but could this be your just miffed by the fact he already knew in his own mind that the end was near and effectively 'got in there before you'

Original poster

lulalullabye · 14/02/2017 18:56

Thanks for all your responses but as I said earlier, I am not miffed and it's not a massive problem, I just wanted to clarify in my mind the situation. Although I agree he may have realised before I told him that the marriage wss over he could have waited a little while longer.

OP posts:

Montane50 · 14/02/2017 19:19

He denies it? So what! You've started the process of splitting, fgs dont become one of those awful ex partners who just can't quite let go!
Stop seeking drama or justification in this.

EmilyRosanne · 14/02/2017 19:39

I for one think you are justified in feeling hurt. It's really hard after a break up, even if you have instigated it, to watch them move on quickly. Although obviously you don't have a right to say anything to him but it's natural to feel hurt that after a long relationship he is/has moved on.

Original poster

lulalullabye · 14/02/2017 21:04

Thanks for the friendly advice montane. If you have read all of the thread you will see that I am definitely not the person you talk of. After 10 yrs on mumsnet I can now see why people get pissed off with the rude, unhelpful and clearly hurtful comments that other posters post.
I thought the reason for mumsnet was to share advice and also accept advice but in a friendly environment. I have to say that after all this time this has been the first experience I personally have had with this behavior. Dramatic I am definitely not and I actually feel quite relieved that he did this before we spilt. Also to clarify, NOT ONCE HAVE I SAID IT BOTHERS ME.
Ok, rant over, have a good day!

OP posts:

Afterthestorm · 14/02/2017 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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