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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Best friend's partner

41 replies

mrsenasharples · 08/02/2017 10:34

I've known my best friend for almost 20 years. We've been through thick and thin together. During that time she has had three relationships. I got on really well with her previous two partners but her new partner of two years is a different kettle of fish. Neither me nor DH who generally gets on with everyone like him. We just find him rude and a bit arrogant. She is a great catch (own house, really good job, car, fit, slim, attractive, fun, no baggage, etc, etc.) and I just don't feel he is good enough for her (fat, unfit, not very good looking, drinks, gambles, two kids, going through an acrimonious divorce, etc, etc.). He also seems to be very good at getting his own way to her detriment.

Obviously, I realise that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I have never mentioned our dislike of him. So far, I have successfully managed to avoid him. We live a couple of hours away from each other and tend to meet halfway for lunch or dinner. However, increasingly she is asking us to meet as a foursome. I have successfully managed to wriggle out of this by not committing and being a bit vague but it is getting harder.

Does anyone have any advice? I really want to keep her as a friend but I am dreading her making any sort of commitment to him in terms of living together/buying a house as it could just kill our friendship.

OP posts:

Ilovecaindingle · 08/02/2017 10:40

With such a long standing friendship I am sure she respects you and your dh. . Maybe spending some time as a foursome will show her his true colours - if there are any to see. . If he doesnt fit into your little group surely she will be more likely to realise that the just spending time as a couple with him?? Brave it out!!

Original poster

mrsenasharples · 08/02/2017 10:58

The few times we have been out have been hard work. Friendly questions to get the conversation going have been met with one word answers and silence. He's quite childish. I think part of the problem is that we don't fit his definition of friends. He's quite materialistic and is very focused on the car you drive, house you live in, where you live, etc. The thing is, my friend is very down to earth and more like us in that regard. They are talking about buying a house together and he wants to take on a big mortgage which is the opposite of what she wants right now (has just cleared her mortgage with an inheritance).

She has a lovely group of friends who appear to be falling away since his appearance on the scene.

OP posts:

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 08/02/2017 11:13

Have you thought about talking with her? I'd be very tempted to tell her my misgivings. Best leave our the part about his looks, but definitely the "gets his way to her detriment" thing. Definitely that.

You're very good, long-term friends. If not you, who?

Original poster

mrsenasharples · 08/02/2017 11:26

You're right, I think I might have to. She always tells me I am very wise and that she values my opinion. I have already told her that she needs to be careful and protect herself financially. She has worked very hard and is in a good position now.

No, I wouldn't mention his looks! I could approach it from the, "Is this what you really want?" angle. So far they can't agree on house location or mortgage size. She's also concerned about living with his kids who are with him 50% of the time and his rather lax parenting style.

OP posts:

Ilovecaindingle · 08/02/2017 11:29

Ah so he is looking for someone to buy him a big house and look after his kids?

Original poster

mrsenasharples · 08/02/2017 11:38

ilove, I didn't actually think that was the case as I have a feeling that they earn the same. However, he has about £100k in equity from his family and her house is probably worth around £250k to £300k (with mortgage paid off).

I just don't understand the relationship really. They don't seem in love. She doesn't talk fondly about him. He also makes zero effort with her friends (not just us but the group of friends she had when she met him).

OP posts:

HarmlessChap · 08/02/2017 12:51

If you don't like him then I don't see what's wrong with saying that you don't get on with him and don't really want to spend time as a foursome. It may not be very palatable to her but she would surely appreciate your honesty.

I just don't feel he is good enough for her
That bit however sounds very judgmental to me, it's coming across to me that you would rather she dumped him and got together with someone who you approve of. Clearly that would make it easier to maintain your friendship with her but really her relationships are her business.

jeaux90 · 08/02/2017 13:00

Tell her please. I hate it when friends only mentions things after the fact and you might confirm what she is already thinking x

Original poster

mrsenasharples · 08/02/2017 13:13

Harmless, it is judgemental of me which is why I am so conflicted. She is a great catch and I think she could do better in terms of finding someone who makes her happier. I am not convinced she is happy. She arranges to spend the evening with him then finds out she needs to pick him up from the pub because he's had too much to drink. She takes him home and he ends up asleep on the sofa at 7pm snoring his head off. Previous boyfriends were lovely and not twattish in the slightest so I have no idea what she sees in him.

Must admit, someone in work made a comment about my XP which set the ball rolling to go our separate ways. It was a simple comment but I immediately gained some clarity on the situation. I was pretty unhappy and just needed a push.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 08/02/2017 13:16

I'd not tell her you don't like him, that's not nice.

I'd suffer him, you are only having to see him once every what, a few months?

to be good friends for 20 years and gone through thick and think I am sure I could tolerate him for an evening and if he was rude to me, I'd pull him up on it.

Imagine if it was the other way around, you'd be hurt.

Mils45 · 08/02/2017 13:22

I think best to speak with her about the financial protection and rushing to live with his kids concerns and leave it there for now. She sounds like a smart lady, the rest isn't going to ruin her life (forever), she will figure out what's best for her

Mils45 · 08/02/2017 13:23

My friend was with prick of a man and after she saw the light (on her own), she asked why I didn't tell her sooner, I'm like, I did, a hundred times but you didn't listen!!!

HarmlessChap · 08/02/2017 13:25

OP if you tell her you don't like him much and don't want to spend time as a foursome then surely if she's having doubts that will have the same effect as happened with you.

So long as she knows your view she can't feel disappointed if it does go wrong and you hadn't said anything. While its good to know what friends think we all have to make our own mistakes in life. If she loves him and wants to make it work, if you labour the point about your dislike it will probably damage for your friendship.

Original poster

mrsenasharples · 08/02/2017 13:33

I think if a good friend had said that they didn't like my XP and didn't want to go out as a foursome I would have been upset but deep down knew they were right. Only one couple said similar to me (the guy was one of his old friends). It would have helped if I had heard it from a couple of sources.

I don't always value myself and my friend is very similar.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 08/02/2017 13:55

Sorry but I disagree, if your best friend is planning to get a mortgage with this man then for her, it's serious enough.

You don't have to like him of course but I'd accept him, only to show respect to your best friend; as I said up thread, if he's rude, pull him up, every time.

SorrelSoup · 08/02/2017 14:04

I, too, hate it when you only find out afterwards; what a waste of a life! The danger here is the financials; talk to her about protecting herself and not rushing in. You could probe and say he's not your usual type, he doesn't seem to make much effort, you're worried about her etc .

Original poster

mrsenasharples · 08/02/2017 14:10

The problem is, the rudeness is subtle.

The last we saw him, we had stayed over. Before we left, me, DH and friend were stood chatting for about 20 minutes or so. Friend's partner was sat at the other end of the room looking at his phone not engaging. He got up as we left.

Another day we went out for lunch and I asked him how the xxx (his) industry was and he answered "boring" followed by a silence.

I'd understand if he was a teenager but he's mid forties ffs.

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsenasharples · 08/02/2017 14:12

I did ask her if everything was okay with them around Christmas and she assured me it was. Was miserable about the lack of disciplining the kids over Christmas but blamed herself for being a grumpy cow.

OP posts:

TwoTicketsToTeesside · 08/02/2017 14:14

I think I'd start with the house aspect - so he has 100k and she has 200-300? I would question her subtly about the wisdom of putting such an unequal share into a house with this man. You say you've already mentioned making herself financially safe perhaps you could carry on from there.

TwoTicketsToTeesside · 08/02/2017 14:15

Does she want children with this man?

HollySykes · 08/02/2017 14:19

When she suggests meeting up as a four you could try saying your not sure because you've got the impression that you and Dh aren't really her partners type. That way you raise it without being too confrontational.

Original poster

mrsenasharples · 08/02/2017 14:26

No, she's too old for children/doesn't want them.

I did think that I could say I wasn't sure if he liked us when asked about the foursome. Because I don't think he does. I would suffer him if he was polite and made an effort but he doesn't.

So difficult. I want to raise it but don't want to be unkind to her.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 08/02/2017 14:56

I'd state my opinion based on the indisputable facts. Facts that she's told you and that you've observed.

Bananalanacake · 08/02/2017 15:20

Why on earth is she wasting time with a drunkard gambler, can't she just see him and live on her own, why the rush to live together? surely buying a property jointly is risky if he's a gambler and gets pissed often (you haven't said if she collects him drunk from the pub every day.
And if someone can't be bothered to make conversation with me I ask their opinion on bringing back the death penalty, then I launch into a vivid description of my favourite torture methods

Adora10 · 08/02/2017 15:28

Unless she specifically asks YOUR opinion on HER relationship you are going to come across as meddling; ok, you dislike him, by what you have written his rudeness is subtle, so in other words, nothing you can call him on - yet.

I'd honestly keep out her relationship, you are coming across as far too invested in it.

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