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Original poster

Best friend's partner

41 replies

mrsenasharples · 08/02/2017 10:34

I've known my best friend for almost 20 years. We've been through thick and thin together. During that time she has had three relationships. I got on really well with her previous two partners but her new partner of two years is a different kettle of fish. Neither me nor DH who generally gets on with everyone like him. We just find him rude and a bit arrogant. She is a great catch (own house, really good job, car, fit, slim, attractive, fun, no baggage, etc, etc.) and I just don't feel he is good enough for her (fat, unfit, not very good looking, drinks, gambles, two kids, going through an acrimonious divorce, etc, etc.). He also seems to be very good at getting his own way to her detriment.

Obviously, I realise that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I have never mentioned our dislike of him. So far, I have successfully managed to avoid him. We live a couple of hours away from each other and tend to meet halfway for lunch or dinner. However, increasingly she is asking us to meet as a foursome. I have successfully managed to wriggle out of this by not committing and being a bit vague but it is getting harder.

Does anyone have any advice? I really want to keep her as a friend but I am dreading her making any sort of commitment to him in terms of living together/buying a house as it could just kill our friendship.

OP posts:
Mils45 · 08/02/2017 23:06

I agree with the above, leave her to it, she's very much an adult. She's had relationships before.

Original poster
mrsenasharples · 09/02/2017 00:10

I have kept out of it by avoiding him but she keeps asking if we can meet up as a foursome (me, DH, her and partner). We don't want to as we don't like him.

What I'm asking is, how do I best deal with it? For a while, I have been vague and non-committal but it's getting increasingly difficult to come up with convincing excuses.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 09/02/2017 00:20

She probably wants to meet with you as he's such a boring bastard.

If that were my friend I'd tell her. My friends tell me. Don't think any less of them and I appreciate their honesty and they care enough.

Thankfully I have a lovely DH now but they come to me for advice too sometimes and I give it.

NerdyBird · 09/02/2017 00:47

The thing with the children/parenting style is only going to get worse. Have a look at the step-parenting boards to see some of the issues people are dealing with. I'd say this could be a big factor. She should absolutely not take her relationship with him further without a great deal of thought. I don't know if she'd be receptive to the suggestion of coming here herself and reading a bit on parenting and blended families?

MommaGee · 09/02/2017 01:13

I'd say yes and meet up. Suck it up for one lunch and then use it as a platform to talk to her.

Say how lovely it was to see her but her "d" p didn't seem to enjoy it, is everything ok with them? Have they talked any more about living together? You know your friendship - will she accept blunt? Are you sire this is what you want? Does he make you happy enough for that kind of commitment? Do you have any misgivings?

I have a group of long standing friends (20+ years) and one of them has been honest about issues with her partner. We have been honest about our opinion on wanting her to be with someone who doesn't make her feel that way. She got married - we all went and supported
She had a baby - we all love her. Our friendship is strong enough for honesty and we can still support her life choices whilst not agreeing with them.

If 5 years down the line she wants to leave him we won't have the awkward thing about "well I never thought he was good enough" or "I wanted to leave but everyone seemed to like him so much I thought it was me!"

People saying keep out, to me aren't great friends

Also please dont let him isolate her from any more friends

Postchildrenpregranny · 09/02/2017 01:24

If she's a long standing.friend I would ask her exactly what she sees in him?Without directly criticising him ....But I would be honest about the fact you are not keen on him partly because he doesn't seem enamoured of you and DH.
I have been in a similar situation with a DD and her partner. Thankfully now ex .
Is she lonely? Secretly'afraid'of being alone as she gets older ?If most of her friends have partners it can be difficult.Is she just settling for someone/anyone ?

Mils45 · 09/02/2017 04:12

If he is as bad as you think he is, then you are probably better off putting on a brave face and tolerating him a bit more. If she is hurt or embarrassed by you disliking him she may even keep away from you, and then you are leaving her with him without her best friend to turn to!

I am a bit anti all of this because my best friend wasn't a huge fan of my partner. You know what, I wasn't a fan of hers either but I didn't bring it up because it is a horrible situation to be in. Ultimately, me and my friend are two very different people, of course are men are different to what we would want for ourselves!!

I would get anxiety bringing them together, or feeling like I had to chose between the two of them. I valued her opinion and that she cared but I am an adult and am very happy with my partner, and I did not appreciate not having a friends support.

Mils45 · 09/02/2017 04:14

At the end of the day, she isn't 18 years old. You have mentioned she is too old for children therefore I am guessing 40+ ? Say your piece if you feel it is right thing to do but if she doesn't agree to it then accept it and continue being a good friend and support her decision.

wundringnow · 09/02/2017 05:33

I was in this situation and I regret being critical of the guy because then my best friend didn't speak to me for several years after they got married.

We healed things eventually but it was absolutely awful. Now she's unhappy in her marriage to this selfish twat but not keen to confide in me because I had expressed my concerns early on.

If I had my time again I would probably just say my piece once then accept their relationship and try to get along with him.

jeaux90 · 09/02/2017 06:44

There are some red flags here though. He doesn't engage, gambles, acrimonious divorces etc

I'd be worried that he was a narc or similar as they have a tendency to latch onto bright successful (and very kind) people and they always leave a path of shit behind them.

But then I am pulling myself in case I am projecting. I might prod a bit if you don't want to make a direct comment and try to find out if she is happy, if he is at all controlling.

You sound like a lovely friend, I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

Blackbird82 · 09/02/2017 08:14

From what you've said, she sounds unhappy and is about to make a huge mistake buying a house with him and getting saddled with his kids.

His behaviour isn't subtle though is it? He's bloody rude, unwelcoming and totally disrespectful towards his partners long standing friends. She sounds very naive and personally I would tell her. She may thank you for it, she may not, but why should you spend time with a man you hate?!

Bambamrubblesmum · 09/02/2017 09:15

I think part of being friends is being honest with each other. I think you need to talk to her about it.

But, rather than focusing on what you don't like about him I'd go in with 'you don't seem happy, are you okay?' approach and see if she opens up. If she brushes off things that have happened as her fault, like her being grumpy at Christmas, then challenge her thinking and tell her she has a right to feel how she does. Sounds to me like he's grinding her down and making her feel she is being the unreasonable one. Sounds a bit controlling to be honest and is worrying.

Reach out to her but don't slag him off. Focus on her wellbeing.

StickyMouse · 09/02/2017 09:18

I think that you need to get to know him, stop avoiding him

Foofer · 09/02/2017 11:21

Next time she mentions meeting up as a foursome would it work to say your not sure as you get the impression her OH doesn't like you (Rather than going down the you not liking him route)?

It would be a perfectly understandable conclusion to draw from someone in your company not engaging, ignoring and shutting down conversation with one word answers. Highlights his dickish behaviour with an air of concern as to why he's behaving that way without just outright calling him a dick. He does sound like a dick.

Her response to how he acts (presumably she'll acknowledge it and perhaps try to explain it) may even open the conversation up and you can gently ask whether she's sure she's happy with him?

fuzzyfozzy · 09/02/2017 11:55

What #foofer said.

Original poster
mrsenasharples · 09/02/2017 11:57

Crikey, thanks for all the replies.

The really sad thing is, as much as I liked her last partner, they weren't a good fit. She desperately wanted to get married and potentially have children but the answer was always no. She was quite a bit older than him and her clock was ticking. The situation went on and on and I suggested on numerous times that perhaps he wasn't 'the one'. Eventually they split up and literally 18 months later he was married with a baby.

Interestingly, she has said that she doesn't have much in common with the majority of his friends and struggles a bit but this is who she seems to be socialising with now.

I think I'll decline the foursome invite on the basis that we get impression that he doesn't like us and see what she says. Will try not to criticize or labour the point. Life is just too short to spend it with people you don't like!

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