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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stuck in a marriage I can't get out of.

31 replies

Knittedfrog · 02/02/2017 16:43

Been married 28 years and am completely financially dependent on him. Am looking for work but my earning potential is not very high at all.
He only works about 100 miles away but finds all sorts of excuses not to come home. I can't believe I'm admitting to this but last year he didn't spend a single night at home. In fact he only came home on about 5 separate occasions for a couple of hours each time.
We have one adult child who still lives at home. Still have a mortgage and credit cards. (Not masses of debt).
I feel stuck, he doesn't talk to me or acknowledge any problem. If I try to speak up he twists things back onto me.
I'm so unhappy and feel like he has sucked the life out of me.
Just wanted to write it down really because unless a miracle happens I feel this is it for the future.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 02/02/2017 16:57

Get that job, then apply for housing benefit and get a rental property or HA flat; start now, it may take some time but you can escape this shit if you get knowledgeable about what you can claim and where you could live.

You don't have a relationship by the sounds of it and he could call time whenever he feels like it and you will be even more vulnerable.

Or go see a good solicitor, you are married so you have rights to his money 50/50.

Niskayuna · 02/02/2017 18:01

Wow. That's unforgivable. He's basically left you but refuses to allow you to move on.

Could a lawyer actually get you divorced based on the fact he's not come home in months? I mean, you have to be separated for two years, and... well, if he's not coming home and doesn't live in your house any more, you're kind of separated.

You really really need to get legal advice and start the ball rolling. There is nothing to salvage here.

Seeingadistance · 02/02/2017 18:05

Yes, see a lawyer and get advice. I'd do that first, or while looking for a job to give you some kind of independent income to keep you going in the meantime.

Naicehamshop · 02/02/2017 18:44

I really suggest that you look for a job even if it's not very well paid; not sure how old you are but I'm in my late 50s and still working (almost) full time. It's not too late!

When you've started working you will begin to feel more confident and of course if you are on a low salary you should be entitled to some benefits, not
to mention a share of all marital assets/pensions if (when) you leave him. Don't despair - there is a good life for you out there!

Original poster
Knittedfrog · 02/02/2017 18:52

Thank you for replying. I know everything you all say is true and what I need to do.
I think I lost myself and my self esteem and confidence in this marriage. I hid myself away and buried myself in bringing up my child.
I need to get a job and hopefully that will give me back a sense of worth.
It's hard when this has been my way of life for so long. I'm scared.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/02/2017 18:54

Didn't he even come home over Christmas, OP?

Where is he living? Have you ever been there? It sounds as though he's with someone else, doesn't it? How would you feel about that?

If you sold your house and paid off debts, would you have enough money from half the equity to buy somewhere yourself?

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2017 18:55

If he's only home a few hours a year, why can't you live the life you want to live without him there anyway? You have your adult child living with you. How does your husband's opinion matter anyway if he's not there? Does he phone a lot?

BumDNC · 02/02/2017 18:55

I'm just worried he will suddenly throw at you one day that he's leaving or selling the house, possibly when your adult child leaves. You need to prepare yourself by getting a job and being proactive in making changes for yourself by yourself

mumndad37 · 02/02/2017 18:57

Of course you're scared! The unknown is always scary. Until you actually do it, and then you find out that the anticipation was worse than the actual doing. Always. But I think you'll feel better if you take action than if you wait for him to do something drastic.

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2017 19:01

What about looking at a college course, OP? What sort of thing did you used to do and what would you like to do now?

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2017 19:02

I think you should really take advantage of your financial situation while planning quietly for the future. The longer you can keep the house going, the better, really, if he's not there anyway.

User7889 · 02/02/2017 19:06

It is scary, but take small steps and youbwill get there, the more steps you take the more your self esteem will build, just go and chat to a solicitor, find out your rights and where you would be at should you both decide to divorce, find out if you start working again if that would make a difference to what you are entitled to from him... while doing this how about volenteering this may help to build your self esteem and give you the confidence to find a job,

Umblubblub · 02/02/2017 19:07

I feel for you, it is so unfair of him to treat you this way. If you are financially dependant on him because, for example, you have up your job/career/earning potential to run the home and bring up children, you will be entitled to Spousal Maintenance which in some cases can be lifelong payment if you divorce.
Think about getting yourself a SHL (shit hot lawyer) and investigate starting divorce proceedings. You deserve a life too and should be allowed to move on if that's what you want.

GlitterGlue · 02/02/2017 19:07

Ok, what can you do to make yourself more employable? Volunteer work? Training of some kind? You can do this!

meltownmary · 02/02/2017 19:33

Who pays the bills, mortgage, insurance, food costs etc.?

Does he transfer money to a joint account for bills or keep it all himself?

Do you get any money at all from him for yourself?

Does your adult child work?

Sorry for seeming to be a nosey old witch, but with some more information (if you feel ok giving it of course), might help with advice as to what to do.

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2017 19:48

I'm not sure I'd go ahead with a divorce just yet. You have somewhere to live and a husband who's rarely there. God knows what he's up to, but the fact he isn't there does give you time to think about all your options. I would be focusing on retraining or studying or looking for a job. How old are you, OP?

Original poster
Knittedfrog · 02/02/2017 20:10

You lot are bloody fab.

He pays for everything and I have spending/pocket money each month.

He stays in a company flat and hotels.

It sounds calculated but I think I should stay put and keep quiet while I sort myself out. I gave up everything so he could have a career.

My child works full time.

I've actually just applied for a couple of jobs on line so at least I'm doing something pro active.

I just feel like things could have been so different but I never spoke up for myself and even when I did he never really listened to me. And now I feel stuck.

Thank you for the support, I don't have any in rl.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 02/02/2017 20:18

Go on, frog. We are here cheering you on!

Emmageddon · 02/02/2017 20:20

Things can be different from now on, it's not too late. He has effectively left you, so start making plans for a new and fabulous life on your own. Good luck with the job hunt, once you have dipped your toe back into the world of work, your confidence will grow, you'll make friends and you'll gain independence. Confide in your child too, they are adult, they must be aware that dad isn't around any more.

languagelearner · 02/02/2017 20:24

Now they send a short piece on TV about two people who divorced at around 60 and remarried, the couple had been together when they were at school almost 50 years ago, but each of them later married someone else and life went on ... now they've met again and left their respective partners. Very happy ending. A feel-good story. This could happen to you too!

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 02/02/2017 20:27

What imperial blether says.
Plan n think n use your time wisely now.... Make this suit you!

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2017 20:48

You're actually in a great position compared to other posters where the partner is there all the time and causing trouble. It's pretty obvious your husband's up to no good, but at least he's not in the house while he's doing it.

What kind of job would you like?

meltownmary · 02/02/2017 21:05

Best of luck OP. As others have said you are in a great position to get planning without someone breathing down your neck or emotionally abusing you. There is financial control it seems but you can use that to your advantage. You have a home and everything paid for at the moment.

I'd save as much of the pocket money as I could just as a buffer zone. Does adult child contribute to the household? If not, maybe a set amount to you alone would increase your independent finances.

Can I ask if your adult child has any opinion on Dad's set up, and do you get support from him/her in moving on? Maybe you don't want to say, that's fine.

TJEckleburg · 02/02/2017 21:27

As you are married and gave up work to care for your child you would be entitled to a decent share of the family assets (including his pension) and spousal maintenance to take into account your reduced earning capacity

Original poster
Knittedfrog · 02/02/2017 21:50

I'm 46.

My child knows exactly what her dad is like and is a good support to me but also remains quite loyal to him. Even though she knows what he's like she doesn't like hearing it said out loud.

I'm going to put myself first and not hide in his shadow anymore. First thing is to start saving and look for a job.

I'm also going to start living my life for myself and try to reconnect with old friends and put myself out there a bit more.

Thank you for all the support and advice. I can't begin to explain how much it means and has helped.

OP posts:
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