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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A year off dating and now this - perhaps I should give up

30 replies

lottieandmia · 29/01/2017 21:24

I am not very good at attracting the right people. Anyway, I met this Romanian guy who seemed really nice and we got on well. The reason I mention he's Romanian is i don't know about the culture. He became quite full on with me at an early stage, saying he wanted us to get married and when I was having sex with him he was whispering in my ear that he wanted me to have a baby which I thought was very strange.

I said to him that these things take time and that you don't just marry someone you just met. Since then he backed right off and had been really funny with me. He also practically forced me to have sex with him before I went home even though I had to leave in 10 minutes and I didn't want to rush it.

I am not sure what to think. I have AS so sometimes I don't see things coming. I felt that by having a years break I would learn something but obviously not :((

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/01/2017 21:28

Ehrm, does he have a legal right to stay here? In any culture this isn't normal so I wonder if he was trying to find a wife to enable him to stay.

I think you know not to go near him again though,,,right?

Original poster
lottieandmia · 29/01/2017 21:31

Yes I've blocked him. We haven't left the EU yet though have we?

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 29/01/2017 21:33

I suppose you can never know what someone's motivation is

OP posts:
StrartinngfromHere · 29/01/2017 22:10

He doesn't sound like a keeper to me - too creepy.

Nice normal men will take time to get to know you. Speed of declaration is directly proportionate to shallowness of connection IMO.

Lovemusic33 · 29/01/2017 22:18

Run for the hills. I don't think it matters where he comes from, he sounds controlling.

I tend to attract these types of men too but I am learning. Find someone who doesn't pressure you.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 29/01/2017 23:50

No normal person would say those things so early on. I suppose it is all about control. And smacks of narc psych

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 30/01/2017 01:42

I don't think it's anything to do with his culture. It's more to do with him being a knob.

TheNaze73 · 30/01/2017 07:29

I think you've been played

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/01/2017 08:11

Played? I have no idea. I told him I dont like him badgering me. Apparently it is not ok that I can't stay at his house whenever he chooses.

OP posts:
SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 30/01/2017 08:40

Good grief. It's nothing to do with him being a "narc psych" or you not attracting the right sort of people.

He has an agenda and will have cast out many lines until someone bit. You didn't "attract" him, so much as fail to tell him to fuck off immediately/fall for it when others wouldn't have done.

Cultural aspect or not (it's not btw), if you don't like it, walk. Don't try explaining. All that told him was that you were gullible/vulnerable to being manipulated, so he continued to do so.

He backed off, not because he was hurt or upset, but because once you'd put your foot down, he realised he'd cone to the end of the line with you And he'll be diverting his attentions to another woman who is letting him push it further.

It's only you in as much as you let him do it, but he'll be trying it on with women all over the place. Leave him to it.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/01/2017 08:53

Oh don't worry I've blocked him

OP posts:
Trills · 30/01/2017 08:57

when I was having sex with him he was whispering in my ear that he wanted me to have a baby

That is terrifying and gross.

hesterton · 30/01/2017 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 30/01/2017 08:59

I don't think you should see this as a reason to "give up" though.

Can you think of anything that he said or did that would have given you a clue earlier?

There might not be one - people genuinely do seem normal and nice, up until they don't.

But if there was something that made you think "hmm, not sure about this", but that you ignored, maybe pay attention to that feeling next time.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/01/2017 09:00

He also came inside me when I asked him not to

OP posts:
PovertyJetset · 30/01/2017 09:02

Dear lord op, he sounds absolutely horrendous.

this is not usual behaviour and not ok. There are plenty of decent lovely men out there. Flowers

Trills · 30/01/2017 09:03

You poor thing, you have had a bad time.

You need an STD test, then.

Under some definitions laws that's rape.

Did he take off the condom, or did you not use one at all and trust him to pull out? It's not your fault either way. One of those is more risky behaviour though.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/01/2017 09:03

Yes he made me uncomfortable from the beginning with saying stuff that was inappropriate for length of time saying.

OP posts:
Trills · 30/01/2017 09:06

So next time someone makes you feel uncomfortable, stop seeing them straight away.

You sound as if you don't trust your judgement very much, but in this case if you had listened to that feeling you would have been right. Your judgement is better than you think.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/01/2017 09:17

Yes I'm getting a STI test. He was saying as it happened that he doesn't care if he got me pregnant which was awful.

He's definitely not normal. My friend says I need to never do OD again because if you meet people in RL you have a reference point to measure them against. People online can pretend all sorts of things and you have no idea who they are.

OP posts:
Trills · 30/01/2017 09:20

He sounds awful.

Your friend sounds unreasonably paranoid.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/01/2017 09:47

I think she just feels that because I have AS I'm particularly vulnerable to this sort of thing.

OP posts:
Trills · 30/01/2017 09:53

You identified that he made you uncomfortable, but you decided to proceed anyway because you don't trust your own judgement.

Is your friend helping you here or harming you?

Your friend would do better to encourage you to trust in your feelings of "this makes me uncomfortable", rather than telling you that you cannot be trusted to make your own decisions.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/01/2017 10:03

Trills - I think you may be right. I think she means well but if I continue not to trust my judgment then that won't help me in other areas of my life either.

OP posts:
SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 30/01/2017 17:46

lottie I also have AS. It's just about making sure those boundaries are tall and watertight. I stopped giving anyone the benefit of the doubt.

Making you feel uncomfortable from the start was as much of a reason as you needed. Why did you carry on seeing him when he made you feel like this?

You don't need to wonder, or understand, why he behaves like this. It's irrelevant. He's gone from your life now.