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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't want sister (and her kids) in my life...

42 replies

anon223344 · 21/01/2017 18:34

I really cannot stand my sister!
I hate seeing her and sometimes it's really hard to pretend that I like to be around her and her kids! I don't want to pretend anymore, I had enough!
We both have kids, so this will be hard for them.
I know this will break my parents heart and not too sure what will happen when they find out about my decision.

But how do I do this? Do I just tell my sister I want nothing to do with her and her family?
Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

DaisyGoesAgain · 21/01/2017 18:35

Why do you not like her?

PaulaBBB · 21/01/2017 18:35

Why do you hate her?

Waltermittythesequel · 21/01/2017 18:36

If this is just a general dislike then I think some civility every now and again won't kill you.

And if her dc are very small then you're just being mean!

User543212345 · 21/01/2017 18:39

It's ok to not like her, and it's ok to not see her. Just because you're sisters doesn't mean you have to be friends. To go NC might be a bit drastic if she's not done anything atrocious/causes you harm etc. But if it's right for you don't let guilt from everyone else affect your decision. Your feelings are important and putting them aside for others doesn't normally end well.

Original poster

anon223344 · 21/01/2017 18:50

A lot has happened in the past, I've tried to move on, but the truth is, when I don't see her I feel better and happier!
I'm going through a hard time in my life and I feel like certain people should not be in my life, she is one of them.

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 21/01/2017 18:52

But what has she done? We can't answer your question if you don't give details.

PotteringAlong · 21/01/2017 18:53

But your children like and get on with hers? And she's not actually done anything to you? Then put your kids first and get a grip and don't cut her off for such spurious reasons. And definitely don't do it with a big announcement!

broodybrooder · 21/01/2017 18:53

If she has done something terrible enough and you are both at war, then NC might be a relief to everyone.

But if it's just because you can't stand her and you don't particularly get along, then breaking your parents' hearts and cutting cousins off from each other is harsh and I disagree with the above, you should put your wish to have nothing to do with her aside for the sake of others. You don't have to be friends but you can be grown up enough to not rise to provocation and attend family dos without a scene.

I don't see why the kids should suffer either.

SparklyMagpie · 21/01/2017 18:55

C'mon OP you need to give abit more background for us to be able to help

broodybrooder · 21/01/2017 18:57

Just read your update.

Sounds more about you then her. Just distance yourself then, you don't need to have phone calls or visits but at the same time you should be able to be civil if you see each other at your parents' and your kids should be able to have a relationship.

Sounds like your looking for drama when if you were really after cleansing your life from negative influences, you'd just back off quietly.

broodybrooder · 21/01/2017 18:59

Also just because she's done stuff in the past, what've you got against you nieces and nephews?

Original poster

anon223344 · 21/01/2017 18:59

I'm not going to give details about what happened between us, but obviously something happened. I feel like I should have done something at the time, I didn't for the sake of the family. I have been fooling myself all this time.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/01/2017 19:04

Your parents would be upset if you severed all contact with your sister? Well then, no need for some grand announcement. Just withdraw, always be really busy. Can't have visitors right now, don't have time to speak on the phone. Stuff like that. If she has half a brain, she'll get the message. But if she's caused you no actual harm in the past, be wary about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

User543212345 · 21/01/2017 19:06

Ah, not doing something to keep the peace. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Now NC and significantly happier.

MakeMyWineADouble · 21/01/2017 19:12

How much contact do you have at the moment is there anyway to distance yourself without a big announcement or anything for the sake of your patrents?

KitKat1985 · 21/01/2017 19:13

Hard to answer without knowing more information, but could you go minimal contact rather than none at all? As invariably there are going to be times when your parents might want both you and your sister with them and to be completely NC will make that really upsetting. Maybe just see her once or twice a year or something?

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 21/01/2017 19:16

I have no contact with any of my sisters. There was no grand announcement, I just stopped seeing them. You don't have any obligation to see your sister or her kids if you don't want to. It doesn't sound like you've just had a hysterical hissy fit and flounced out of their lives, more like you've got solid reasons and have thought it through.

Sometimes making the decision can take a huge weight off your shoulders, but unless you need to stop them calling round or something then you don't really need to do anything, just stop communicating with her. I'm far, far better off this way and so are my children.

GelfBride · 21/01/2017 19:16

I haven't spoken to my sister in 12 years and it's lovely here in the sunshine. I have never got along with her, even as kids she had to dominate and control me in every way. I stayed in touch years more than I wanted to as it is but I was worried what my family would think. She had enough rope over a particular situation and hanged herself though and it was then easy for those around me to see why I went NC. I only see her at family funerals now. I can tell when she has walked in the room or church without hearing or seeing her, I can just tell. I can't bear to even look at her. As you get older you tolerate shit a lot less I find. If you feel like that you feel like that, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Do what you need to do to be happy I say.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/01/2017 19:19

anon223344

You have to do what is right for you and your children.

The stuff about "breaking hearts" is just emotional blackmail to keep you in check.

Original poster

anon223344 · 21/01/2017 19:22

MakeMyWineADouble Every Sunday we go to our parents for dinner, so at least once a week I need to see her.
My parents know about what happened and I think if I had decided to cut contact at the time, they would have been ok with it, but now I'm not so sure, as it's been a while.

OP posts:

BigFatWhooo · 21/01/2017 19:22

Ha, I've had the same thought today. I think if your sister makes you unhappy then its best to cut her out. I'm in the same boat having decided today to stop speaking with my sister.

User543212345 · 21/01/2017 19:24

Gelfbride sums it up perfectly. When they finally behave atrociously enough for others to see it you tend to be ok to walk away. That won't stop the meddlers trying to get you to "forgive and forget" but imo you can do that without having them back in your life.

Benedikte2 · 21/01/2017 19:30

Sadly sometimes a toxic relationship has to be severed. I think the best way is probably just to withdraw and not to respond to any invitations to visit etc. and to avoid meeting her at your parents' home. This way will be easiest on your parents. If there is bad blood between you I suspect your sister isn't in contact very often.
Your sister may approach you in high dudgeon and at that point you can tell her calmly that for the sake of all parties you're calling it a day.
It does seem hard on both lots of cousins so maybe they could meet up at your parents once in a while just to keep the relationship alive until they're of an age to please themselves.
Good luck

MrsBlennerhassett · 21/01/2017 19:30

You dont need to make a statement about it. It seems like the time you could have done that has passed however if she is making you very unhappy by being in your life then you are well within your rights to see less of her. Just subtly phase her out, dont call her or meet her unless you really have to. If she asks you what going on then you may have to make a point of it by telling her however she may well not do that as she probably knows what she did to you i take it?
If you do phase her out make sure its because you genuinely feel that you and your childrens lives will be better off without her in them rather than just for revenge or to hurt her.

Politix · 21/01/2017 19:30

Can't you just cut back contact rather than doing the full NC.

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