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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you were the OW

53 replies

NotJanine · 19/01/2017 12:10

Would you answer questions from the wife?

My ex wouldn't tell me when their affair took place, claimed he couldn't remember. I know I should let it go, but I just need to know.
If I contact her is she likely to tell me? I've never met her.

She is married with kids so I do wonder if she will just deny it all in case I tell anyone?

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 19/01/2017 12:15

horrible situation.

There's no answer - the OW is human, her choice isn't predictable.
But as she's married, I expect she'll ignore and block you. No way would I be putting it out there so my husband might find out!

Even if she tells you... she's an OW - will you believe her? If she admits anything it'll be minimised.
And do you really want to be beholden to her?
Most of all, what's it going to change? Your ex cheated, you know that. And you've got rid of him !!!!

Focus on moving on.,

caffelatte100 · 19/01/2017 12:16

I would imagine, if I were married OW and the affair is over, it would be too risky to engage in any kind of honest conversation... so no, I don't think that she would answer questions. I haven't been in that position though.

SadTrombone · 19/01/2017 12:19

I doubt she'd answer anything, especially in writing! She'll likely say "What on earth are you talking about you mad woman" and block you.
It must be really difficult but you don't need to know the dates to get closure - you have to move on and close the door on that chapter of your life now (insert cheese emoji here!)

BobbieDog · 19/01/2017 12:19

I would of thought that if they still worked together and had to be amicable then she wouldnt tell you details that he didnt want you to know.

If they have now fallen out and are not speaking she wont care what he doesnt want you to know and would probably tell you what you wanted to know.

Original poster

NotJanine · 19/01/2017 12:35

To give some more details - they are not in contact now at all. All I know is that it happened 5+ years ago, but I don't know how long it went on for - weeks, months, years... Obviously he minimised it all, but there are details that he told me that just don't make sense and I want to know so that I can put the nagging doubts to rest and move on. I had no idea about it at all until he told me, I'd never even heard her name before.

I don't know if her husband knows anything

OP posts:

AmserGwin · 19/01/2017 12:39

Honestly leave it, it won't make you feel any better even if she does tell you. And I doubt she would anyway, as she is married herself. If I was the OW, I would tell you to go and ask your ex/husband!
Sorry you are going through this, it will get easier

TheNaze73 · 19/01/2017 12:42

I agree, I wouldn't tell you

BobbieDog · 19/01/2017 12:46

If he was your current partner then i could understand you needing more details but as hes a ex then it doesnt matter now as he is no longer with you

Original poster

NotJanine · 19/01/2017 12:48

We were together a very long time, he is the only partner I've ever had, and only recently split (if that helps to explain why I feel like I do)

OP posts:

GTS · 19/01/2017 12:51

If I were you I would let sleeping dogs lie. Literally.

Just don't go there OP. It won't help you to know the ins and outs, and to be honest she has more than likely moved on from the situation and I doubt she'll want to get into a conversation about it. If it were me I'd block you, or at the very best give you the minutest of details.

Maudlinmaud · 19/01/2017 12:56

The ow probably won't engage with you.
Your beef is with your ex not her. You sound well rid of him tbh.

Frankelly66 · 19/01/2017 13:04

Nope. She won't want to talk to you at all.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 19/01/2017 13:08

I think in this circumstance, no.

I was in a relationship for a couple of months where I was unknowingly the OW. If his partner got in touch, I'd probably tell her everything but tbh, that might be because I'd want to know the full story myself.

TheCuriousOwl · 19/01/2017 13:15

Yeah I've been the OW. A long time ago. I think my initial reaction would be that she really doesn't need to know as it's all well and truly over on my part and hers, but if she insisted I'd have to tell her if that's what she wanted I think. Not intimate details but if she really wanted to know... that he told me they weren't together, sucked me in and by the time I knew the truth it was an abusive relationship that took me 2 years to escape from (he kept threatening me, and also threatening suicide), she's welcome to the details. It ended when he threatened to rape and beat me and 'wouldn't be responsible for his actions' but this was all out of love for me and part of his 'mental illness'.

She just thinks he's a serial philanderer. Probably better she doesn't know.

If you do ask the question, be prepared that what you hear might not be what you expect and it might be worse than you could imagine.

TheCuriousOwl · 19/01/2017 13:20

Just to add, I totally do not absolve myself of responsibility, I feel I've paid a massive price for what I did and I wouldn't do it again. It was a huge mistake and I do regret it so I'm not saying none of it was my fault, by any means so please don't think that.

Dakota1 · 19/01/2017 13:32

Honestly, the more you know, the harder it will be to salvage your relationship. If you are not willing to forgive now, you will be much less so inclined if you learned all the details.

FinallyHere · 19/01/2017 13:38

It would be much more helpful for your own mental health, to just forget about the OW and get completion about the end of your relationship with your ex. He is the one you were in a relationship with, he was the one who cheated on you. All the best

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2017 13:41

Why do you think that someone who slept with your husband behind your back will be honest with you?

I'd try and put it behind you and move on.

Summer56 · 19/01/2017 13:42

I confronted the OW the day I found out about the affair. Her response was pathetic, a lot like her. I felt better for a millisecond and then felt like shit for a lot longer. She didn't give me any information and I am glad she didn't. I had a hard enough time dealing with the fall out of the affair. I knew basic details and places they went and that was enough to drive me insane. I don't know how long it went on for before I found out (they are still together now!). At the time i wanted to know everything because that was the only way I could process what had happened. But what I have learnt now is that actually I don't want to know. What good will come of knowing, you can't change anything. What's done is done. As hard as it is. You just have to move on and forgive (easier said than done).
Hopefully you are in a better place now so what good can come of dragging up old feelings and resentments. Life really is too short, in my opinion. I realise when typing all this out that I need to take some of my own advice on board!!

lucymeadows · 19/01/2017 13:45

You say you've only ever had one relationship. Perhaps you need to focus on yourself and your own future. Why are you worrying about the ins and outs of an affair that you can neither change nor serves you any positivity or advantage. You need to focus on something else. A new job, a course, new exercise regimen or class. Learning a new skill or trying out new recipies. Even reading groups or creative writing can offer a different focus in your life where you'll be meeting new people. If this person is in your past leave it there and focus on making your future happier. I can't think of anything more depressing than keep going over old ground. Time to move on.

Original poster

NotJanine · 19/01/2017 14:00

I think part of the reason is that I was lied to for years and I just want to take some control and have the knowledge of what went on. I dont want any details other than when it started and ended. I'm not going to have a go at her or anything.

I know I should move on, and I am. I have my own home, I have met new people and am trying new things. I just can't shake this off. There was a previous incident many years ago and the woman involved wanted to tell me something. I never got in touch with her and I've regretted that since.

OP posts:

TheCuriousOwl · 19/01/2017 14:11

Ironically I was in your situation with the guy who abused me. I wanted to know all the where and when, but actually it doesn't make it any better. It just gives a solidity to all the imagined scenarios you play out in your head. Right now you imagine all these things - but when you know the truth of it, it actually hurts more because you can't say 'but it might not have happened like that'. You'll know the hotel they stayed in, the night they were together and he wasn't at work, the restaurants they went to. It's just more fuel to torture yourself with.

What I learnt is that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he took her to the travelodge or to the George V. It doesn't matter if actually on November 17th he was actually at work because he got stuck there instead of the planned tryst with her. What matters is: he isn't the man you thought he was. You were mistaken. You're not a fool, you're kind and trusting and human.

You gain control when you can honestly say 'I don't want to know because I don't give a shit'.

Original poster

NotJanine · 19/01/2017 14:25

No, I don't want to know the details. Just when it started and ended. I would love to not give a shit, but I can't.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2017 14:25

I don't understand why you think you can trust her not to lie.

Original poster

NotJanine · 19/01/2017 14:30

Well that is really what my question is - what would you do if you were in her position?

My thoughts were that she may see me as a threat - I could tell her husband - and that ignoring me may be a bad idea. Then again telling me may be a bad idea as I could share that with her husband. I wouldn't tell her what my ex has told me, so I would just want to see what she said.

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