Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

If you were the OW

53 replies

NotJanine · 19/01/2017 12:10

Would you answer questions from the wife?

My ex wouldn't tell me when their affair took place, claimed he couldn't remember. I know I should let it go, but I just need to know.
If I contact her is she likely to tell me? I've never met her.

She is married with kids so I do wonder if she will just deny it all in case I tell anyone?

OP posts:

Doesntfitthemould · 19/01/2017 16:14

I was once the OW.
After he and I finished after about a year, i agreed to meet with his wife.
I knew her throughout my relationship with him. She once told me she knew he was up to something.
Anyway, I meet with her amd told her everything she wanted to know. He had minimalised.
It helped her see the truth and helped me grow up and face consequences of my actions.

JournosAreLazy · 19/01/2017 16:42

The affair ended 5 years ago? Unlikely the OW would want to drag it up again and meet or if she'd even remember the finer details. I'd envisage only further angst for you if you did engage rather than it bringing you peace of mind.

toptoe · 19/01/2017 16:48

I see no harm in you asking her.

It could go a number of ways, dependent on her personality. 1. she'll tell you the truth as she feels guilty and it will help her absolve some of the guilt. 2. she'll lie as she is still interested in him 3. she'll not tell you a thing as she has no remorse and doesn't want to speak to you 4. she won't reply as he fucked her over too and she feels so upset she doesn't want to talk about it at all.

Gah81 · 19/01/2017 16:50

I'd be wanting to know the same if I was you. I inadvertently was the OW for 6 months until he felt guilty and told me (and then I broke it off instantly, I was so ashamed and hurt).

I never got involved between him and his wife - though part of me was so angry at him I wanted him to really feel the pain, I couldn't justify stepping in and actively hurting a woman who'd done nothing wrong. Or maybe it was cowardly.

In that situation, even now, if she ever came to me knowing everything then I would tell her the truth. Of course, the difference is a) I didn't realise I was doing anything wrong and b) I wasn't married myself so have nothing to lose from putting it out in the open... but she may want to help/feel she owed you something.

God, it was years ago and am in a wonderful relationship with a lovely man :) but bloody hell, just talking about it now, I still have some residual anger towards him.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/01/2017 16:52

She might. Mine (well DH's) did.

You might not feel any better for it though!

whatsthepointofmorgan · 19/01/2017 16:58

The ow probably won't engage with you.

I would ask her and if she isn't forthcoming I would cheerfuly say, ''well maybe your husband can enlighten me''
Don't see why she should get to continue in her nice family life, whilst your life has been turned upside down.

Even if you take it no further and don't speak to him, she will forever be living on her nerves for years to come, wondering if and when you open the can of worms and her OH finds out

A karma. Of sorts.

whatsthepointofmorgan · 19/01/2017 17:02

Be prepared for her to say ''there's no point in telling my OH, he already knows''
Which of course, will more than likely be a lie.

JournosAreLazy · 19/01/2017 17:38

OP, this happened 5 years ago. I really don't mean this rudely but what are you hoping to gain by contacting the other woman? If it's closure or peace of mind I'm not sure this will help achieve that.

Original poster

NotJanine · 19/01/2017 17:47

As I've said I just want to know when it started and ended. I don't think I explained properly - he was very vague about when it happened. I believe that it started around 5 years ago (but that may not be true) but don't know when it ended. I haven't known about it for 5 years, only for a very short time.

OP posts:

JournosAreLazy · 19/01/2017 17:48

Oh sorry, I misunderstood. I didn't realise you'd only recently found out

rosabug · 19/01/2017 19:41

write him a frank letter explaining why you need to know. I think it is your right to know and he should tell you, not her. I don't believe you should forget it - it's important so you can truly put it behind you. he should help you with that.

Avengerhart85 · 19/01/2017 21:52

What morgan said, she will tell you all you need to know then.

Be prepared that it may not help you tho

clumsyduck · 19/01/2017 21:57

Think of it like this
She's married so may just out and out deny it
If her dh knows then if she does respond to you then at best you will get the minimised version she has told him at worst she could completely lie to hurt you depending on her feelings on the whole matter and towards you .

You can't trust her not to lie . I think you'd be better asking your ex again now it's over and he has nothing to lose

Original poster

NotJanine · 20/01/2017 09:59

Thanks for all the messages they've given me plenty to think about. I'm not going to contact her for now at least.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotJanine · 20/01/2017 10:01

I'm also not going to ask him as I no longer believe anything he says. And he does still have a lot to lose

OP posts:

BonnyScotland · 20/01/2017 16:27

I wouldn't ask anything... your simply handing her all the power... by asking she then knows you don't know... and giving her the upper hand... so to speak... in protecting her/the affair he is ultimately protecting himself... don't dwell on the actions of them..by the nature of affairs they will LIE through their teeth about every aspect... look forward and know you are above reproach and deserve much better.... Her husband has to live with her... and her deceit... you don't need to anymore x

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/01/2017 16:31

No I wouldn't - especially if it was five years ago. I would think you were a little strange - if your ex won't tell you, then she won't

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/01/2017 16:35

Not you personally - I meant in general

SandyY2K · 21/01/2017 08:43

My thoughts were that she may see me as a threat - I could tell her husband - and that ignoring me may be a bad idea. Then again telling me may be a bad idea as I could share that with her husband.

I share your view. If you told her you and your Ex are split up, but you just need to know timelines for closure, she could be honest.

Are you concerned about the duration of the affair?
I'd assume that the time he said is a lie. That it went on for longer, as cheaters default to lying about that.

I don't see the point in contacting her TBH.

Why did he confess?

AnnaJoy33 · 24/01/2017 10:17

I have been the OW (still am sometimes as we still occasionally sleep together) and I would never have told you the truth!

IsNotGold · 24/01/2017 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrssapphirebright · 24/01/2017 10:41

I was the OW, although he was also the OM as i was married too. We are now married to each other.

After we came clean and told our ex spouses we were leaving them for eachother his exw went mental and demanded to know all the facts. Dh did not want to go there and tried to spare her any gory details. Even after turning up at my house and assaulting me and my then dh he still tried to keep some dignity by telling her facts only and no gory details.

Over the course of the next 2 years and throughout their divorce she was still very hurt and bitter and tried through every means possible to get the 'truth' i.e the gory details out of me and dh. She just wouldn't let it lie. i guess she wanted some kind of closure.

What finally broke the camels back in my situation was a month before we got married she defaced my car and eneded up getting arrested again and then sent my teenage son a message on fb calling me all sorts of names, I snapped and wrote her a long letter detailing all the gory details she had hounded, harrassed and threatened us for for years. I was angry and just wanted it done. i said some cutting things and she certainly got the truth! Be careful what you wish for and keep your dignity is my advice. My dh's exw let it totally consume her, so much so that she now has a criminal record.

AnnaJoy33 · 24/01/2017 10:45

Why would you feel sorry for me?

Original poster

NotJanine · 24/01/2017 11:08

MrsSapphire I'm not sure what that has to do with my question. I have clearly said that all I was interested in was when it started and ended. I do not want any 'gory details'. I am not interested in 'revenge' and am not a violent person!

Anna I'm interested to know why you wouldn't tell. Are you married/in a relationship? If so, would you be worried that the wife would tell your partner?

OP posts:

AnnaJoy33 · 24/01/2017 11:23

NotJanine sorry I don't know how to do the replying thing. I wouldn't say because I wouldn't view it as really being any of her business. If you did hear from the OW it would be through the filter of her agenda. She would be looking out for her own interests, not yours

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread