Tell me what to do

[andnow]

Regular user, NC for this, etc etc. I have been with DP for 8 years, 3 y/o DD. He has recently started a new hobby. The hobby is expensive & dangerous. I am unhappy about this. He does a dangerous job & I can't see why he should take extra, unnecessary risks. We are supposed to be saving for a deposit but he has spent thousands on the hobby. Several members of my family have told DP they are concerned about him doing this & he has been very dismissive, so it has caused lots of friction. I have told him several times that him doing this is making me very unhappy, it seems like it shows his priorities are now what I thought they were. He refuses to take me seriously. Now he is committing more time & money to a more dangerous version of this hobby & I don't know what to do. It feels like he doesn't respect me or our little family

*his priorities are not what I thought

I'd tell him either stop putting his life and the family's financial security at risk or fuck off.

He's being selfish and irresponsible. Thousands, when you're trying to save for a deposit?! Christ, what a self-obsessed prick.

Maybe he needs some therapy to work through his need for adrenaline of this kind or perhaps the dangers of his job have created a stress level he's trying to use this hobby to work through in some way...

But whatever the reason it's not ok.

Atrocious you've got it- after many many conversations I suggested that it might just be a way of blowing off steam & he agreed- he has a demanding job, toddler, we're skint. I absolutely get that, I know he needs to do this but just, why does he need to do it this way?

Sparrow I've told him a few times that this feels like a deal breaker for me & he doesn't take that seriously.

Sorry - you asked how to address this. If I were you I would write down everything you want to say and why, and plan the conversation. Tell him how it's making you feel and how serious it is.

It's nearly as bad as having a drug addiction: sinking all the family money into something that gives him a boost.

You need to talk to him and if you want other friends/family to help reinforce your message that's ok too.

Atrocious thank you. Writing it down might be a good way of moving forward. My family all support me but he doesn't respect their opinion. Unfortunately his family think it's fine- his dad did the same hobby & his mum says she remembers being stressed about it like me & finds it funny

Maybe you need to ask him to move out for a while - or longer, depending on his actions - and say you'll set up the payments he will need to make for your dc.

Atrocious do you think it's that serious? I feel like I'm overreacting, it's making me so so unhappy but he doesn't take me seriously which makes me question myself. I just worry about explaining all this to DD in years to come- is this enough?

Sound like my hobby, which is actually more like a lifestyle. It's dangerous and can be costly but DH knows it's a part of me and I'm miserable without it. I wasn't doing it for the first 8 years we were together as we couldn't afford it but I feel like a complete person now I'm back to it and he's happy I'm happy and our relationship is better for it being in my life.

Ah so he's mindlessly repeating his fathers actions. Maybe they could afford it. I bet they already owned their house/had a mortgage though. Different generation right?

Tell his parents you'll have a chuckle about it too if they cough up x thousand pounds for your deposit.

Joy initially it made him happy & I was pleased about that at least, but he is just as grumpy & short with me as ever.

Atrocious yep you got it again- they were married & owned a house, both things we are saving for.

You need to make that point and keep making it.

Good luck, sounds a nightmare.

You're not skint if your "D"P can afford thousands on a hobby.

What are you hoping to get from this thread? The obvious solution is to offer up an ultimatum and leave him if you're not happy with him spending thousands on a dangerous hobby when you're "skint".

Are you looking for ways to cope with him having skewed priorities? Are you looking for help to leave him? You have to start thinking of solutions to the problem because someone who can spend thousands on a hobby when you're trying to save and not take you seriously when you object is a selfish person and unlikely to change.

'Both things we are saving for'
We aren't saving - you are. He is spending money on his own enjoyment.

What does that tell you about his attitude to you and your daughter, and why are you hanging around?

So he:

Wastes money
Puts his life at risk
Is short and grumpy with you
Doesn't listen to you

And you're wondering if that's 'enough' to tell him to leave? All it takes to end a relationship is one person wanting to end it, you don't need justification. However, if you did need a justification, I think that would be absolutely plenty.

Pls no, we are skint. He has been putting it on a credit card. Beyond showing you a copy of our bank statements you're going to have to trust me on this one- we are skint.

As much as leaving him might be the "obvious solution", it is more complicated than that when you're in the situation.

I'm looking for support & advice from this thread- just like pretty much everyone else who posts on MN.

So he's not wasting money, he's actually getting you into debt??

Elephant I know, I feel like it shows where his priorities are & they aren't where I thought/would like them to be. I'm "hanging around" because leaving or asking him to is easier said than done.

Sparrow ok, that's interesting. I am just concerned about explaining it to DD in the future. But I want her to grow up with parents who are happy & respect themselves, even if that means they aren't together.

Sparrow yes & that scares me because he had terrible debt before we met & it took years for him to sort it out so his use of credit cards makes me very uncomfortable

has he got a very good insurance policy?

I presume you also don't want your DD to be homeless and fatherless. You don't have to explain anything to your DD apart from 'we loved each other but couldn't make it work.' You can't use your DD as an excuse to stay in a relationship that really isn't right.

I'm afraid it sounds like this isn't salvageable and it won't be until your partner grows up a lot, which may never happen.

You need to get away from him asap before he drags you down with him.

InTheMood he does in fact, through his work- since it is a dangerous job he is well insured & assures me he would be covered for an accident through his hobby.

Sparrow you're right. I don't want to use DD as an excuse, I just think asking him to leave will hurt her & I don't want to hurt her.