Tell me what to do

[andnow]

Regular user, NC for this, etc etc. I have been with DP for 8 years, 3 y/o DD. He has recently started a new hobby. The hobby is expensive & dangerous. I am unhappy about this. He does a dangerous job & I can't see why he should take extra, unnecessary risks. We are supposed to be saving for a deposit but he has spent thousands on the hobby. Several members of my family have told DP they are concerned about him doing this & he has been very dismissive, so it has caused lots of friction. I have told him several times that him doing this is making me very unhappy, it seems like it shows his priorities are now what I thought they were. He refuses to take me seriously. Now he is committing more time & money to a more dangerous version of this hobby & I don't know what to do. It feels like he doesn't respect me or our little family

I think you need to realize that you wouldn't be leaving him just because of his hobby. You would be leaving him because he is totally selfish and seemingly couldn't care less about your needs or concerns. He's a classic narcissist.

I'm worried about the practicalities- could he take DD away from me? He works full time, shifts. I am currently retraining, not earning, working very long hours but more flexible than him & prior to this worked in evenings & had DD full time.

Your relationship with your partner and his relationship with your DD are two separate things. Yes, it's nice for a child to have parents who are together but it makes no sense staying in a bad relationship because you think that's what your child would want.

Why would he take DD away? Has he threatened that?

I think its unfair to ask another person to forego their passion. But unfortunately some passions are just not compatible with family life. If you're not happy, end it.

Sparrow no but that would be my biggest fear.

Are you sure he isn't trying to kill himself and is now getting grumpy because it isn't working

I do a dangerous hobby/lifestyle (motorbikes) alot of my family hate it but have given up trying to stop me as its part of who i am but if it was affecting my family and putting us at risk of losing our house i would stop. I think you need to talk to him and tell him how its effecting you if he wont change then i think you seriously need to think about ending it.

I doubt very much whether his company's insurance would cover his hobbies. A company will get the best insurance deal it can, and that will only cover what staff are doing in work time.

I'd tell him either stop putting his life and the family's financial security at risk or fuck off.

Nothing to add really.

Are his credit cards in joint names?

Imperial I don't know the ins & outs of his insurance but he says that if he was injured he'd be entitled to support, even if it was through his hobby. My concern is if he was injured he wouldn't be able to do his job at all. No joint bank accounts thankfully.

It's a deal breaker or it's not.
He's ignoring you because he thinks it isn't actually a deal breaker for you, or he simply doesn't care if it is.

I'm probably more relaxed than you about the danger element, having done dangerous sports myself. It's part of who he is, and you won't change it - and I actually don't think you should try.

But sticking it on credit cards when he has a history of bad debt and you're supposed to be saving?

Fuck that!

That would be my deal breaker.
I simply wouldn't be with someone who couldn't manage money above their selfish impulses.