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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

partner wants to go on a lads holiday i cant bare the thought

30 replies

user1484681380 · 17/01/2017 19:53

my partner never gave me any reason not to trust him.. until a few days before christmas he went out with the 'boys' and i saw messages the next evening where he had sent a message saying to his mate that he was trying to 'get on this girl but his mate messed it up' i confronted him about this first of all he made me out to be crazy by deleting the message and pretended i imagined it, he then said he was just showing off and he didnt cheat nor intend to. ive been trying to put it to the back of my mind after 5 years together i expected more from him. now hes saying about going on a lads holiday with the same lads as before. they are such a bad influence they cheat do drugs everything ive said i cant bare the thought of the holiday but he doesnt care i dont know what to do.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 17/01/2017 20:14

Honestly, you know what you saw.
Especially as he knew he had to delete - and now thinks it's OK to fuck with your head.
The group aren't a bad influence - he's a willing part of that behaviour.
Don't worry about the holiday with him - let him go.
Dump him.
I'm serous - this has run its course if he's trying to "get on" another woman.
He sounds like an absolute little shit.

magoria · 17/01/2017 20:14

Do you have DC together?

If not I would say cut your losses now. Even if you do I would think long and hard if you want to stay with this man.

He lies, he deletes and tells you that you are wrong. He doesn't respect you.

These people are the people he chooses to hang out with. They don't influence him he has made a conscious choice to be friends with them.

He is looking to so it is only time before he does actually cheat on you.

Better to have the pain of a break up now than one after months and months of not being able to prove he is cheating on you before finding out he is and maybe has given you something too.

TGItsNotChristmasAnymore · 17/01/2017 20:21

Realistically you can't tell him what to do, he's an adult as long as financially it doesn't affect joint arrangements if he wants to go you can't stop him.
However you can choose how you react to it. If you don't think he is capable of being faithful and acting in an appropriate way towards you and your commitment then you can choose to end it.
Men are men they are not badly influenced, if he's incapable of doing the right thing bu you in the company of his friends then that's his choice.

Original poster

user1484681380 · 17/01/2017 20:34

yeh we have a 3 year old together, makes it so hard i dont no if i can face it when hes away knowing hes probably flirting and cheating and i wouldnt even know or find out. he knows how i feel about it and he just says we should break up then.

OP posts:

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 17/01/2017 20:37

He's right

You should dump him

Bant · 17/01/2017 20:43

There seem to be a lot of angry threads started by people with the username starting with 'user...'
And then they're deleted by MNHQ for sockpuppeting and trolling.

Is there a reason for this?

(Sorry OP, dump him, he's trying to cheat, not a grown up etc etc)

JanuaryMoods · 17/01/2017 20:49

Sorry you are going through this, OP. He's behaving like a single man and has no inclination to change. I'd get rid of him and build a life for yourself and your DC. This is no way for you to live, he has no respect for you.

Phoebefromfriends · 17/01/2017 21:11

OP this sounds awful, I suspect he's probably already cheated on you before so I'd definitely get an STI check and then consider your options. A lads holiday will likely end in more cheating. Can you put up with that in the long term? Are you working? Do you rent or have a mortgage? I think you need to prepare to leave or change the locks when he goes away.....

AnyFucker · 17/01/2017 21:13

I don't think his friends are a "bad influence"

I do think you can judge a person by the company they keep though. And they all sound the same as each other.

Livelovebehappy · 17/01/2017 21:28

The telling thing is in your last post where he says you should break up if you are unhappy with the situation. It's clear he doesn't care about you and has checked out of the relationship. He has zero respect for your feelings. I would bag his stuff up and get rid of him because his crap behaviour is only going to get worse.

Hellowyellow · 17/01/2017 23:39

I'm in the same situation as you OP. He responded in a similar way. can't decide what to do either so watching with interest

MyWineTime · 17/01/2017 23:59

My DH has some friends who are like this - "a bad influence". They get up to all kinds of things that my DH doesn't think are acceptable within a marriage, so he chooses not to go on their lads weekends and nights out because that's not how he wants to behave.

Your DP behaves in the way that HE wants to and he chooses to spend time around his "bad influence" friends because he enjoys doing the same things as they do.

You can't stop him from doing that but you can choose not to be in a relationship with someone who behaves this way.

MyWineTime · 18/01/2017 00:01

he knows how i feel about it and he just says we should break up then.
So he's told you that he doesn't care about you. That makes it clear.
He can and will do what he wants, you can like it or lump it.

Offred · 18/01/2017 00:13

What AF said.

I think you are being wilfully ignorant here about him.

He is just like his friends more than likely - that is why they are friends and I bet all his friends' partners think their partner is 'the good guy with bad influence mates'.

Not really doing anything to deter me from my distaste for grown men who have 'boys nights' and 'lads holidays' either TBH...

I usually assume they are sexist.

Pallisers · 18/01/2017 00:19

dump him. He has already dumped any idea of fidelity or loyalty to his partner. If I had to place a bet, I'd place it on him having had a series of shags while he was out with "the boys" in the past few years.

You'll be amazed how much happier you'll be in a year's time when you won't be worrying what he is doing.

Forget the "bad influence" thing. That doesn't even work for 9 year olds. How about

"Show me your friends and I'll show you who you are"

PollytheDolly · 18/01/2017 00:28

I would play this really coolly now. Say you've been thinking on what he's said and you totally agree and when he packs his cases to go on his jolly to ensure he has all he needs to move into his new accommodation on his return from the airport.

Whilst saying this have a completely calm demeanour and a nice smile on your face.

And when you wave him out the door, congratulate yourself on how well you've handled getting this turd out of your life. Pour a large wine, take control of the remote and ring the locksmith to change the locks.

Aedh · 18/01/2017 02:12

Well I wouldn't have a problem with him going on a lads holiday.
~but I would with him coming back~

Chelazla · 18/01/2017 02:30

Drives me mad when ppl say "bad influence" for grown ups! He's sound like a shit. If you feel strong enough get rid, you'll torture yourself every time he goes out. My bet is if you call his bluff and agree to split he won't want to though.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/01/2017 03:06

" he made me out to be crazy by deleting the message and pretended i imagined it"
"he knows how i feel about it and he just says we should break up then."
That is how little he respects you. He's happy to try to make you doubt your own eyes, and he's happy to threaten ending your relationship if you don't shut the fuck up .

I agree with the earlier posters - his friends are not a bad influence, because he is just like them. They're friends with each other because they share opinions.

Dump.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/01/2017 04:23

Stop blaming his friends for HIS choices. He's an asshole and you deserve better.

OliviaStabler · 18/01/2017 04:59

The 'break up' comment sounds to me like he wants out but doesn't have the balls to end it himself. He would prefer you ended it so he feels no guilt at leaving you both.

Has he paid for the trip already?

anxiousnow · 18/01/2017 09:46

What Pollock said. OP I know it's awful when you know you have to end it, and people sometimes end up putting up with all kinds in desperation for a chance or the partner to show they care but he already shown you that he doesn't. If you put up with it you will drive yourself crazy while he is away imagining the worst, and then try and get answers when he's back. When is the 'lads' holiday?

InfoFreako · 18/01/2017 09:55

It sounds like the one thing you have in common is no respect for you.

It sounds like you either end the relationship or try to make it work - what do you want to do?

If he's going to cheat then he's going to cheat - you can't do much about that.

It sounds like you need a sit down and a good talk. Could you try to reconnect and rediscover the reasons you fell in love in the first place - a meal or romantic walk maybe?

Cheers.

mascco · 18/01/2017 09:58

He hasn't booked it yet he's booking it for the end of July though. He says not gonna go just because I say so I'm not trying to control him I've just told him how I feel about it and how after the events at Christmas obviously the trust level has gone. It's so hard to walk away! compared to my past relationships he's actually treated me better then they did so I don't no if every guy is the same way

WarmFunKindStrong · 18/01/2017 10:32

he knows how i feel about it and he just says we should break up then.

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