Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do in this situation?

29 replies

StarrySky23 · 13/01/2017 13:23

Hello it's my 1st time posting. I was hoping someone could help with my situation.

Basically, whenever my DP and I have a serious argument or it gets to the point where I've had enough- I try to talk to him and tell him I don't want to he in this unhealthy relationship any longer and we need to start talking about what happens now. We have 1 child together also.
Anyway, when I start talking about us breaking up he starts tickling me to the point where I can't breathe from laughter. I am trying to be serious with my expressions to show him I'm not joking but he will start kissing or licking my face (sounds weird) and because I'm laughing he will then act like nothing has happened. He refuses to even consider us breaking up and then forcefully makes me laugh. This confuses me as I feel sad and want to break up but the next second I'm laughing.

I keep dreaming of a fresh start and getting out of this relationship but he says it's not even an option.

What would you do if you were me?

Thanks x

OP posts:
Twinkladdictmum · 13/01/2017 13:26

Communicate in a different way. In public/email or something where he cant shut you down.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/01/2017 13:29

Tell him he's assaulting you - licking your face, yuk

Why does he get to decide it's not an option to split?

hellsbellsmelons · 13/01/2017 13:30

If you definitely want it to be over then your living situation is important.
Do you rent?
Who's name is the rental under?
If your name then pack him bag when he's out one day and leave it outside.
Get the locks changed (with LL permission) and text him telling him it's over and his bag is outside and you will contact him shortly regarding contact with DC.
If you have a mortgage and it's together well that's a whole other kettle of fish.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2017 13:50

Tell him before you talk to keep his fucking hands off of you or you'll call the police. Honestly, this is one of the weirdest, creepiest things I've ever heard of.

Reality16 · 13/01/2017 13:55

How old are you?

Whatabloodyidiot1 · 13/01/2017 13:56

Gosh that's massively wrong, and abusive imo. Stop telling him you want to split and take action instead.

Hassled · 13/01/2017 13:59

What Aquamarine said. If that isn't assault then it has to be bloody close to it. I think what you can take from it is that a discussion about your issues is never going to resolve anything - if you're unhappy, make plans to leave and then leave and then tell him (by text or email or phone, but not in person) that you've left. He's clearly not planning to go anywhere easily if he says "it's not even an option". Stop even trying to do the decent thing and discuss it like grown-ups, because he's not going to let that happen.

Caper86 · 13/01/2017 14:04

I actually used to have a DP who did something similar - if he wanted me to do something ie go to the shop for him, and I said no he would tickle me until I gave in and said yes. It used to really upset me.

When I look back I think it was a form of bullying/manipulation - getting what they he wants (or in your case, what he doesn't want) by detracting from the situation and making you laugh - so it seems like you're laughing along with him but you're not, you're being forced to.

Agreed, send him a text or email explaining your feelings, and also make it very clear that you feel like you're having do it that way because of the tickling.

AthenasOwl · 13/01/2017 14:05

That's very weird. Iv never heard of anyone doing that.
Can you talk to him about how you feel when it's not after or during a row?

loulou1626 · 13/01/2017 14:06

It's normal to feel sad when something ends or changes dramatically, so your confusion about your going from sad to laughing isn't anything to worry about, but his behaviour is. I'd understand him being upset by your decision but his behaviour is beyond disrespectful and, as said by others, bordering on abusive. The statement 'it's not even an option' takes this whole thing beyond a reasonable reaction. As others have said, depending on whether you rent or own your house, start making the suitsble arrangements and get some support around you as I have a feeling this guy could just be a continuous pain with anything relating to you trying to do this decently.

Violetcharlotte · 13/01/2017 14:08

Hi OP this doesn't sound much fun, he sounds very immature.

How old is he if you don't mind me asking? And have you been together long?

tipsytrifle · 13/01/2017 14:17

His bizarre behaviour is abusive, exploitative (of a body's natural reactions) and in my view, given the context, constitutes an assault.

Original poster
StarrySky23 · 13/01/2017 14:21

Thank you for your replies.
Just to answer some of your questions:

I'm 23 he is 30.
We've been together for 3 years and have a 1 year old baby.
I rent from a HA and it's my name on the tenancy so that's good.

I am grossed out at the licking and try to push him away but he is stronger than I am and because I'm laughing from the tickling he carries on.

I once locked the doors and put his bag on the front and txt him that I'd had enough but he literally kept bashing at the front door till it broke open. Then once he got inside he was very angry and told me to give him chance to sort himself out first and then he will go. I said I'd stay in the other room until he was sorted but he will come and harass me in bed and try and be friends again

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 13/01/2017 14:23

He is bullying you, and he knows exactly what he is doing.
And he's chosen tickling because it's a fun thing, isn't it? Harmless, enjoyable, just a joke. He knows that. He knows if she pushes you to the floor, into a wall, lifts his fist to you - you'll walk.

Quite possible that when the tickling stops to work, he'll step that sort of behaviour up though. He tells you that you can't split up. He shuts you down. He physically uses his strength to tickle you.

Don't underestimate how serious this is. And he's done it more than once, right? I really don't think it's over dramatic to say a little chat with Women's Aid, or doing the Freedom Programme on line would be useful.

If my boyfriend tried to tickle me in the context you decscribe he would be told to get his hands the FUCK off me. And if he wouldn't engage in talking, it would be over. How can you be with someone who doesn't care and respect you enough to listen to you?

Ellisandra · 13/01/2017 14:25

Crossed messages.
He broke your door in.
So - he's already upped it from assaulting you by tickling.
Please lovey - talk to Women's Aid.

Emmageddon · 13/01/2017 14:31

What a horrible situation. Do you have any family or friends who could come round and give you moral support while you evict him? If he kicks the door in gain, call the police. If he harasses you in bed, ditto. He sounds awful.

Violetcharlotte · 13/01/2017 14:40

I work for a HA. They can help you to get him to leave if that's what you want. HA employees all go though safe guarding training and should recognise these are all signs of controlling/ abusive behaviour.

Maudlinmaud · 13/01/2017 14:43

Could you have someone with you the next time you bring it up. It's not on, if you want to end the relationship you can.

MsStricty · 13/01/2017 19:35

Another one here who echoes that it's abusive behaviour. He is regressed and he needs to sort his shit out - and unfortunately that rarely happens, and instead it's taken out on the partner, you.

Get support, and make your choices based on what you know to be true.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/01/2017 19:43

Lock him out again. This time call the police if he tries to knock the door in.

ChuckSnowballs · 13/01/2017 20:28

Yes what she said.

Enough101 · 13/01/2017 20:35

Do the housing association know that he lives there? Ie., is he supposed to be there? If not, you could always try saying that someone called round to check the tenancy (I think they do do that sometimes to make sure the person who is supposed to be living there actually is) and you are worried that you could lose the place. Tell him he has to move out for q bit. Once he's out, keep him out.

The whole tickling and licking is abusive. It's difficult to do something serious like finishing with someone when you have just stopped cracking up laughing. He. Is, as someone said, using a human physical reaction against you.

Good luck.

TreeTop7 · 13/01/2017 20:55

Please obtain advice from Women's Aid. This is not standard behaviour. Good luck.

ladygrinnings0ul · 14/01/2017 13:17

Email or text him it's over give him a time and date to get his stuff don't be in let a friend or family member deal with it for you .no one should have to deal with that BS. Good luck

fuzzywuzzy · 14/01/2017 13:23

Have his things outside tell him he has to leave.

Can you have a couple of male friends/family around to ensure he doesn't intimidate you? If he attempts to break down the door or damage your property dial 999.