i really hate my MIL

[sweetie123123]

we are going to marry this summer, but my MIL keeps asking for money. we gave her some money 2 weeks ago and she is now coming to us again. she always asks for money, even if she has 5 children, one of them pays her a credit, one is paying her for taking care of her children, the other let her stay in his house. also my FIL is an alcoholic and has a job. i can't stand her anymore, she cannot help with the wedding, so at least give us some space to have some money for the wedding. is all my life after marriage will be the same? giving her money whenever she wants? i don't understand this kind of parents who asks for money from their children, when they could go to work!!! what can i do?

Why are you giving her money you can't afford, when her own husband is drinking their money? Does your fiance give her money?

yes, he is giving her money because she is always complaining that they don't have enough money, even if they both work (he works, and she is taking care of her daughter children and is paid - not enough as she is saying). i am fed up with this and when i say to my fiance that is not ok to give her money, he is constantly repeating me: what to do? to let her starving? also, she is smoking..

i don't see her as a mom or something like that after these experiences. also, what kind of mother could stay in a child apartment, would accept the other child to pay her credit and after being paid by another child, would still ask for money from another child? this seems to me very impolite from her side. basically, I believe her opinion is: I have 5 children and they need to give me money so I could have my life.

Yes this will be your life until they are both gone!
Run - run a mile.
You will resent your DF and the relationship won't survive anyway.
Unless you can get him to step up.
So they don't have a meal one night!?
They will never learn to stop drinking and smoking while all the kids are enabling their appalling behaviour!
Your DF needs to stop it.
Tell his DMum that if she didn't smoke and if DDad didn't drink they'd have plenty.
That you both the money and don't have spare.
It's simple surely????
Is this a cultural thing by any chance?

No, it's not cultural thing. It's just they were very poor in their youth and now all her children have big salaries and she wants some money from them, I guess..why to work for money if she has children to give her? what i really hate is that my fiance doesn't understand and we keep arguing about this issue. i don't want all my life to be like this and he doesn't understand and keeps saying that are his parents and he could not let them 'starving' or being without any money on the house. she is smoking, he is drinking, i have already said this to my fiance and he doesn't seem to understand me :(

My MIL was like this

She has an addiction for shopping and is always asking for money

Dh grew up with his mum raiding his money box and then smacking him when he protested

He's NC with her now. Since being with me he doesn't allow her money anymore and she resents me for that.

Everytime they fall out she bad mouths me which causes DH to fight back.

This time though it's permanent. He's had enough.

Ugh this makes me really angry! There seems to be a number of these mothers around. My advice would be to nip it in the bid asap! In regards to you DF and MIL. He needs to stand up to her. Yes, she will guilt trip both of you and make you out to be the bad guys but in the long run it can't continue.

My MIL used to ask DH for money off us to buy cigarettes and alcohol and she even used to spend it on her other grandchildren but not our child. I have to laugh when I look back but I'm so glad I didn't let her continue to guilt us. If she's really struggling to put food on the table, she will quiet smoking.

That's my point too. If she doesn't have money for food, then quit smoking. Why I need to support all these for my MIL? What can I do so my fiance understand? I don't want this kind of life all my life. I am beginning to hate her 'cause I can't stand her anymore always complaining about money. Why my fiance doesn't want to understand that he needs to make me a priority and make a team with me and not with his parents?

tell him you are off if he doesn't stop it, once you are married its both of your money he's giving away and you'll need it for your own family. Their money worries are not your problem. This won't stop unless he does.

we had some argues about this issue and in an argue, he said, what do you want, to choose from you and my parents? and it seems to me from what he said in that argue that he cannot stop helping his parents and he would choose them..he didn't say directly, but somewhat he pointed that he cannot stop helping them and i need to accept if i want to be with him :(

but somewhat he pointed that he cannot stop helping them and i need to accept if i want to be with him

I think I'd have cancelled the wedding after that.

Do NOT get married until your partner fully agrees to stop giving his mother handouts. The resentment you already feel will kill this relationship.

Ok, now you know what your marriage will be like. What action are you going to take?

If your fiancé won't step up now and 'choose' you over his parents now, then I think it's unlikely he ever will and this will follow you throughout your marriage.

I think you need to have a sensible discussion with him, explaining your feelings and fears for the future and ask what he's prepared to do about it - put you first, as a couple? Or continue to bail out his parents and not be part of a couple?

This is your life going forward also if you marry this man. You will keep arguing about this issue. The wedding needs to be called off. I would also take a good hard look at your relationship because that in turn is in huge difficulties.

This man is telling you through both word and deed that he will always put his parents above you. He is also feeding into their familial dysfunction; a dysfunction he has grown up with. His own fear, obligation, inertia and guilt when it comes to his inadequate parents is really causing him a lot of damage not just to him but to you also.

I've bailed my mum out a fair bit over the years.

We manage finances so that we have equal disposable income after bills have been budgeted for and this goes into our seperate individual personal accounts. The money I gave to my mum came from my money so no need to run it past my DH and it wasn't family money. We never need to discuss money (other than reassessing periodically the monthly sum set aside bills) or ask the other about spending.

That solves the money issue, but in my experience the money is the least of the problem. It's about the differing attitude towards family and boundaries. That's what you need to thrash through before you marry.

"It's about the differing attitude towards family and boundaries. That's what you need to thrash through before you marry".

The problem is that such attitudes shown by OPs partner are deeply ingrained both within his own self and his family of origin. He has grown up within this family and regards their behaviours as "normal". Its not a problem that can be readily resolved through talking it through. He has already told the OP that, "he cannot stop helping them and i need to accept if i want to be with him".

and i need to accept if i want to be with him
And... you want to be with this spineless man who puts his toxic parents before you and your wedding.
Imagine when you have kids and are struggling for money and he gives some to his parents and leaves you short.
You'll really start to hate him too, I promise.

With a comment like that I'd tell him, in that case I don't want to be with him and walk the hell away from the madness and drama!

I am all for helping my family but this is ridiculous, he's effectively paying for their booze and fags and fags cost a bomb, I had to give them up and I work full time, just couldn't afford, never mind the health issues.

I am afraid this would be crunch time for me, he either stops this carryon or the wedding is off, I'd not want trapped with someone who was too spineless to stick up for what we had and our future; there will be no money if he keeps giving it to her.

He has already told the OP that, "he cannot stop helping them and i need to accept if i want to be with him"

Yes and a number of mumsnet regulars have personal experience the same as the OP, either as the one with the parents who see their relationship as normal, or as the partner who can see how fucked up all this is.

Many don't make their relationships work, but many of us see the light and do.

I'm one of them who has turned things around

I think it's OK to give parents money if they fall on hard times but only if you want to. There never should be pressure, threats or nonsense around it. It's the givers prerogative. My dh used to give his parents money but they never expected it and were extremely grateful whenever he gifted them some. I think the idea of separate finances where your dh can give away his personal money if he wants.

No, this most likely won't change because your fiancé sees no problem with the situation and has no wish to change it. It isn't a one off crisis (where naturally you would help) it's a way of life for your future in-laws. Most rows between cohabiting adults are caused by money concerns, so you will be entering marriage with a major problem already built in. I predict you will end up divorced and your fiancé going through two or three long term partners/wives until he finally cuts his parents off, or they die.

The only way I could see this working is if you have a joint account for household expenses, including childcare and holidays, and a separate savings account for each of you. Then if your DH wants to give 'his' money to his family he can, and he can go without treats, new clothes etc. In the meantime you will have 'your' money to spend on things for you. It will always be a source of resentment for you though.

I would suggest getting counselling before you get married. Most pre-marriage counselling does cover finances because it is such a bone of contention. At least you would have an opportunity to talk things through with your fiancé in a non-charged, neutral environment so hopefully it would be a rational discussion, not an argument.

My MIL isn't quite this bad but my DH is one of four (only one sister)
Over the years all three brothers have been shafted by their moth in terms of money whether it be her asking for it, taking out catalogues in their names, pressuring them into doorstep loans (mainly youngest DBIL) etc
She shows no remorse and will swan off on multiple holidays per year (at least every 3mths) but always claim she is poor and never have any money for gas, electric and food etc.
Straw that broke the camels back for us was she was "saving" with Park vouchers for all the family for Christmas. Those who wanted in paid her between £30-£100 a month depending on how much they wanted to save.
Happened to come across a letter 3mths in that stated she had paid nothing! I personally had given her well over £100 and others had paid much more.
I played dumb and pleaded poverty and asked if I could not pay this one month. She said no as she needed it to pay them. I asked her for the account number and said a family member had agreed to pay it on my behalf but wanted to pay direct.
Low and behold a week later she texts to advise that the plan has been cancelled no reason why and it took a further 4 weeks to get my money back (conveniently after she had been paid from her job).
A week later she asked youngest DBIL to take out yet another doorstep loan as she was skint again.
Fortunately since then myself and DH see eye to eye and have agreed never to give her money again.
We still see her and have a reasonable relationship with her (other reasons for it not being a perfect relationship but they are waaaaaaay too complicated).
Hope you can work something out soon. You and DH need to have a united front on this or separate your money out so that he deals with his and you deal with yours, on top of that you'd then need to accept that what he chooses to do with his money is his affair.
It's a toughie and I don't envy you in the slightest. Good luck.

I wonder if you started giving your parents the matching amount.

Personally I would Run and not look back. The amounts and fraud will just get bigger and bigger and you will never have a good credit reference. You will never be able to plan for anything because I bet if your MIL sees you getting anything she will also want more. Every time you cannot afford a holiday/night out/school dinner money you will resent your fiance more and more.

This relationship is doomed. Save your time and money and run for the hills.

I would be keeping a close eye on your credit report if she has form for taking out stuff in other peoples named

I love the title of your thread! Just wondering whether to be a dutiful DIL and invite my dreaded MIL round to see DS and saw your title, I can't agree enough!
In terms of advice, you really need to get your DH to see sense. Best of luck. And some wine