i really hate my MIL

[sweetie123123]

we are going to marry this summer, but my MIL keeps asking for money. we gave her some money 2 weeks ago and she is now coming to us again. she always asks for money, even if she has 5 children, one of them pays her a credit, one is paying her for taking care of her children, the other let her stay in his house. also my FIL is an alcoholic and has a job. i can't stand her anymore, she cannot help with the wedding, so at least give us some space to have some money for the wedding. is all my life after marriage will be the same? giving her money whenever she wants? i don't understand this kind of parents who asks for money from their children, when they could go to work!!! what can i do?

Listen to me. Run. A. Mile. That's all I'm saying......

what i really hate is that my fiance doesn't understand and we keep arguing about this issue. i don't want all my life to be like this and he doesn't understand and keeps saying that are his parents and he could not let them 'starving' or being without any money on the house. she is smoking, he is drinking, i have already said this to my fiance and he doesn't seem to understand me

Do not marry this man. He won't change. He won't. His mother will always come first, taking your family money, and you will be miserable.

Walk away.

Be glad you're not actually married yet!

Sorry, I wrote DH when I meant fiancé. If you really can't get through to him on this issue then it'd be a deal breaker with regards to marriage in my book. If the future PIL are this crazy already, it will only get worse. I thought I could handle mine, I was very wrong...

It's like you've written that about my life! I'm 11 years into the relationship with my husband and he is only just getting the message that he is facilitating her poor choices.

Nip this in the bud NOW or this will be your life forever!

He isn't going to stop helping her out financially, so you need to accept that or don't marry him.

What you can consider doing, is having joint finances to a certain extent and with his own money (that doesn't go in the joint pot, and he can help his mum out if he wants to.

You say it's not a cultural thing, but perhaps he feels a moral obligation to help them.

Remind him that your upcoming marriage vows state "forsaking all others.."

If he's not prepared to put his wife first, he shouldn't take the vow.

My MIL was like this, always asking for a little bit of money here and there, using sob stories about how her and her partner had no food/electrify etc. Turns out she had a major gambling addiction and is now in prison for fraud, her middle son who's in his early 20s is paying off a 20k debt for her. her kids won't hear a bad word said about her, even after all the terrible lies shes told. I'm dreading when she's out as she causes so many arguments between me and my DH as I get so frustrated that he doesn't see through all her lies.

So basically he is giving her money you would rather he spent on the wedding is this correct? And after that? Is he giving her money he cannot afford?

what i really hate is that my fiance doesn't understand

Don't be ridiculous. Read that back to yourself. Of course he understands. He is doing what he wants to do.

I would run as fast as I possibly could away from this set up. Marry him and you are doomed to a lifetime of MIL being bailed out in every way and calling the shots. You deserve better.

thanks for the advice to all of you..basically, most of you told me to run a mile and to stop this wedding..i will think these days to have a last conversation regarding his mother..and see next steps. i love him, but i cannot accept this my entire life.

I think once you're married she will assume your salary is another pot to be plundered

I want to give you some advice from the viewpoint of having married into this sort of situation.

When you speak to your fiancé about this situation emphasise that the issue is not actually about his mum, the issue is about the choices HE makes in response to his mothers behaviour.

IF his mother needs support (not necessarily always financial) it needs to be discussed between you two as a couple and a decision made together as to what can be provided.

IF his mother continues to make poor choices and as a result he makes decisions to support her which lead to the detriment of your family (cos when you two marry you will be a family unit which later on may or may not add children) then he will be reneging on his marriage vows; what he is showing with this behaviour is that he doesn't respect or value you.

You cannot change his mothers behaviour; but if your fiancé continues in the current manner, he is facilitating her poor choices.

Facilitating a poor lifestyle/decision making is NOT the same as helping or supporting someone in a time of need.

You've already tried talking to him and he has basically replied that he cannot stop helping them. This is who he is. Nothing has really changed since your last conversation on the subject.

You may well love him but unfortunately for you he is also in a co-dependent relationship with his mother. I also think that if you did marry, you would end up divorcing him within a couple of years.

Your line in the sand here is that you cannot accept this your entire life. You have to mean that as well and follow that through.