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Original poster

DNA test help!!

35 replies

PurpleParadise2016 · 06/01/2017 23:36

Hi all, I'll try keep this as short as possible!
Before me and my husband got together he had a girlfriend who he got pregnant, she told him she had an abortion and then a month or so after they broke up and then he met me. We have just found out that this ex gf has a 7 year old daughter and her birthday means she was conceived during their relationship. So she has clearly lied about the abortion. My husband is very upset that he could have potentially been kept away from his daughter for 7 years, but we obviously need to find out if she's his infact his daughter. He's going to message his ex when he figures out what to say but apparently she was a bit of a liar so we think she might lie anyway. Can he somehow make her do a DNA test if she refuses? The dates add up and I honestly think this little girl looks like him and my son. He doesn't want to force himself into her life because he's a stranger to this child but he does want to know the truth and get to know her if she is. Can anyone help?

OP posts:
SadTrombone · 06/01/2017 23:41

Can't help as no idea of logistics or legal ramifications but didn't want to read and run.

Hugs to you OP Star

Original poster
PurpleParadise2016 · 06/01/2017 23:43

Thank you SadTrombone. I feel like our whole world has been rocked right now. I'll support him through it all, I just want the truth for him.

OP posts:
SadTrombone · 06/01/2017 23:48

Really commendable OP - hope you get to the truth soon xx

SandyY2K · 07/01/2017 00:13

How about he contact her and ask, then take it from there. She may have a good reason for not wanting him in their lives.

I'll PM you something which is almost an identical situation to what you have here. The Ex GF confessed it was his kid, although she said she was getting a termination 8 years earlier.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2017 00:17

Actually, I thought others may be intereste. Here goes.

www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/605941-i-think-i-saw-my-son-yesterday-i-never-knew-about

Original poster
PurpleParadise2016 · 07/01/2017 00:24

Thanks for sharing the link I'll give this a read!
He was happy for her to have the baby this is what we don't understand, she said she had an abortion while he was away with work and told him when he got back, he was disappointed but thought maybe she's not ready and accepted it. It's not like he was forcing her into an abortion and she decided to keep the baby and not tell him... I could probably understand her reasoning for that.
He's going to get in touch with her tomorrow but I guess if she denies it we just want to know can we insist on a DNA test just to put his mind at rest?

OP posts:
Ilovecaindingle · 07/01/2017 00:24

He would have to take her to court for a judge to order a dna test. He needs to seek legal advice.

MrsDustyBusty · 07/01/2017 08:38

The problem is that she's apparently not seeking him out and I'm not sure assumptions are sufficient to undertake legal action to force her child to undergo a dna test to prove that some random man (to the child) is her father. Even if you think you have reason to pursue this, it can't be a thing that every man can dna test the children of their ex partners if they decide to at some point.

Fumbledore · 07/01/2017 09:10

Good advice MrsDustyBusty.
Hard though it is he needs to consider the child's needs first. At this age it could be very disruptive. Best to make contact with the mother discreetly and respectfully, and respect her wishes. When the child is an adult, he or she may choose to look for their father. Which may not, of course, be your dh.

Original poster
PurpleParadise2016 · 07/01/2017 13:05

He's messaged her this morning and she's admitted that she's his child. They are meeting tomorrow to discuss what happens next but from what's been said I think this will understandably be a slow process so he can get to know his daughter. Thanks for the advice everyone.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/01/2017 13:12

That's progress.

At least you're supportive unlike the woman in the link I sent you.

Lots of the things posters wrote in the link will be useful in your situation. The good thing is that he wasn't horrible on discovering the pregnancy like the other guy.

Good luck.

tribpot · 07/01/2017 13:14

Well, I'm glad you know for sure now and you've avoided a protracted legal battle to get that confirmed.

How old is your ds? Hopefully young enough that you won't have to do very much explaining about where his new sibling has come from when they're introduced.

I guess a lot now depends on what the little girl has been told about her parentage, i.e. if she believes someone else is her dad. Good luck, PurpleParadise.

HerRoyalNotness · 07/01/2017 16:10

I think he should still get a DNA test to make sure. It would be awful if he became part of this girls life only to find out her mother is still lying

FatOldBag · 07/01/2017 16:20

Wow OP, I'm having trouble getting my head around it, you must be spinning. Regarding child maintenance, will he now legally owe her 7 years' back pay as well as current monthly payments? Is there some kind of specialist counselling to help your son come to terms with the fact he's got a sister and now has to share his dad? Do they live locally so it will be easier to see them regularly (when things get to that stage)? How are you coping with it all emotionally?

Original poster
PurpleParadise2016 · 07/01/2017 21:58

Sorry for the late response it's been an absolute whirlwind of a day and my head is now pounding! She's been very civil and has apologised for not telling him the truth. I've coped well until tonight when it's actually sunk in that my husband has a daughter that's not mine and i just broke down. I know that sound so selfish of me but it's just a lot to take in and is going to be a lot to get used to. My son is 5 and we're not going to tell him anything until the time comes where he meets her so I guess we have until then to think of what we're going to say. Hubby has thanked me for being so supportive and keeps saying sorry but it's not his fault, I'm so glad we found out now rather than another 10 years down the line!

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleParadise2016 · 07/01/2017 22:04

He won't owe her 7 years worth of maintenance as the CSA or whatever they are now don't backdate but he's going to start to pay maintenance for her.

OP posts:
Daisyfrumps · 07/01/2017 22:53

Best wishes OP - you and your family sound lovely x

needsahalo · 07/01/2017 23:42

You need a DNA test before going any further. No payments, no meeting the child until paternity is confirmed. It's the least the ex can expect to have to do.

SandyY2K · 08/01/2017 00:31

Your DP has no fault at all in this. I think what his Ex did was cruel, but I don't know her so it's possible she had her reasons, but on the face of things it seems terribly deceptive and calculated on her part.

I knew a situation where this happened and the woman said that the relationship wasn't going great and she didn't want him to think the pregnancy was a trap to keep him.

She wanted him to be with her for her and not just because of the baby.

Original poster
PurpleParadise2016 · 08/01/2017 08:56

needsahalo yes I think he is going to bring that up because at the end of the day she's lied for 7 years, what else could she lie about.
I've no doubt she thought she was doing what was best for herself at the time, obviously it's not what was best for him but it's done now and we can't change things. What worries me is he's not on the birth certificate and he has no legal rights what so ever so if they were to have a disagreement then she could easily turn round and say your not seeing her anymore and he couldn't do anything about it.

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FatOldBag · 08/01/2017 23:12

You don't sound selfish at all, it's a massive shock, of course you're going to have all sorts of feelings to work through. With regard to parental rights, I think the family court looks at the child's rights to access to their parents, not parent's rights to access the child. If there was a disagreement down the line, he could go to court and the court would determine what level of access was in the child's best interests. Unless there are serious concerns about his parenting they're not going to allow him to be excluded from seeing her.

SandyY2K · 09/01/2017 12:09

A new BC can be done with the new information. To remove all doubt a DNA test should be done though.

You can speak to the registry office at your local authority and see how an updated BC can be done.

Original poster
PurpleParadise2016 · 01/02/2017 14:47

Just an update, he's been seeing his daughter a couple of times a week, she's really warming to him and they are building a relationship which is brilliant. Her mum on the other hand is acting like a total nut job! I wont go into detail as I don't want to be "outed" by this post but I can tell this is going to be a difficult road when it comes to this little girl knowing about her dads life/family which is sad when all we want to do is welcome her into it. To make matters even more complicated we found out I am pregnant at the weekend! Yikes!

OP posts:
nollaig16 · 01/02/2017 16:47

Did you get the DNA test?

Original poster
PurpleParadise2016 · 01/02/2017 16:50

No, Husband doesn't feel the need to as the dates match up and she has no reason to lie, if anything she had more reason to lie and say she wasn't his. If it was me I would want one but I cant force him.

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