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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to expect a text?!

31 replies

NoHazmatRequired · 06/01/2017 21:09

If DH is going to the pub after work rather than coming straight home? He's usually home by 6. It's 9pm. No contact to say he'll be late.

He does work hard so I've absolutely no problem about him having a few drinks after work on a Friday, but I really get pissed off if he can't send off one text to say that's what he's doing.

For context, I'm a SAHM. Two DC, 8 and 5. Married 15 years. The DC did ask where Daddy was before bedtime

OP posts:

SadTrombone · 06/01/2017 22:04

YANBU
Perhaps a text along the lines of "You ok sweetheart? Just checking in as haven't heard from you. x"
If it then turns out he's just in the pub and didn't bother his arse to text... you can take it from there as you see fit.
Does he make a habit of this?

Hassled · 06/01/2017 22:06

Not texting is just plain rude. It takes seconds - and there's no way any reasonable person wouldn't have thought a text would be appropriate. Has he got form for this?

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 22:13

Yanbu. Selfish dick.

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 22:15

Unless he's been run over by a bus, but then all the more reason to let you know he's ok. Piss poor behaviour unless an emergency / accident.

Do you see his location via your mobile?

QuarterMileAtATime · 06/01/2017 22:21

Yanbu. Shoddy, disrespectful behaviour to not be in touch if you're expecting him home.

Given you've assumed he's in the pub rather than working late/been in an accident, I'm guessing this is a fairly regular thing?

Original poster

NoHazmatRequired · 06/01/2017 22:22

After ten now and still no message from him. I sent a text to him a couple of hours ago saying: I take it you went to the pub then?! No reply.

He doesn't do this too regularly, maybe once or twice a month. But it really annoys me when it happens. He then shambles in all smiley, contrite and apologetic.

Like I said, I have no issue with him enjoying a drink after work. It's the not letting me know. Grrrrrr!

Off to bed now. I'm tempted to put the chain on the door but he'd just end up waking the dc.

Glad to hear it's not just me being unreasonable!!

OP posts:

gamerchick · 06/01/2017 22:26

Once or twice a month is regularly.

I wouldn't do this to my husband and neither would he to me. No issues with doing our own thing but let each other know!

Maybe it's time to start locking him out so he has to knock each time. Retraining type of thing?

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 22:27

He doesn't do this too regularly, maybe once or twice a month

That's actually far too regularly in my book. A loving husband wouldn't remotely dream of doing this, ever. He's treating you like shit.

Hassled · 06/01/2017 22:29

Yes, once or twice a month does count as regularly. So he knows it winds you up and yet he does it anyway? I'd really struggle to just suck that up. The smiley and contrite thing makes it sound like he's enjoying it.

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 22:29

I've known of some controlling types do this. It's their way of showing they're in charge and not answerable to their 'little woman'. Bastards. He's showing you nothing but contempt and I'd actually say it's emotionally abusive to deliberately leave you worrying.

Costacoffeeplease · 06/01/2017 22:30

That's a lot

Lock up and turn your phone off

What a colossal twat

HerOtherHalf · 06/01/2017 22:30

Once or twice a month to go out is fine, as long as you're allowed similar you time. Not letting you know is selfish and unnecessary. To hell with texting too, what's wrong with a quick phone call?

MadeForThis · 06/01/2017 22:54

Once or twice a year would be annoying. Once if twice a month is disrespectful
Nothing wrong with going out for a drink. But ignoring texts and choosing not to communicate is plain rude.

Original poster

NoHazmatRequired · 06/01/2017 23:01

Whenever I've called him on his behaviour he's always apologetic and says that he didn't text because he didn't mean to stay out so late

He does encourage me to go out with friends, but with me being a SAHM my nights out are always very planned and not spontaneous in the same way as his post work drinks.

OP posts:

WellErrr · 06/01/2017 23:03

YANBU

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 23:08

he didn't text because he didn't mean to stay out so late

Well that's a feeble excuse. I assume you've made it clear to him that you expect a text every time he's in the pub? Pure courtesy. It's perfectly normal and reasonable to expect this sort of consideration.

Conversely, it's pretty abnormal for him to lose all track of time, decency and self-control.

GruochMacAlpin · 06/01/2017 23:18

This is really bad behaviour. I'd be furious.

If the sensible adult discussion really isn't working, next time he did this I'd be tempted to quietly take the kids off to a "treat" night away in a Premier Inn in the next town without a word.

See how he feels when he waltzes in pissed yo an empty house and doesn't know where his family is.

Original poster

NoHazmatRequired · 07/01/2017 07:33

Well, he rolled in at 11pm fairly pissed after I'd gone to bed. My only comment to him was "so you didn't get hit by a bus then" and then turned away to sleep.

He had the presence of mind at least to sleep in the spare room as I think he knew I was pretty mad at him (where he's snoring away).

Some harsh words will be spoken today! Think I've been a bit too nice about it in the past in a jokey slapped wrists way. Wish me luck!

OP posts:

NewIdeasToday · 07/01/2017 07:56

Is it really that big a problem that he went out for the evening?
He's an adult after all.

PinxTheTinxMinx · 07/01/2017 08:01

Absolutely no problem with DH going out to the pub, huge problem with the lack of communication. How would he feel if it was the other way round?

Me and DH try to treat each other how we'd expect to be treated. I'd definitely be having a conversation about respect. Good luck OP

Gingernut81 · 07/01/2017 08:05

With you on this OP, DH would get a right ear bashing if he didn't have the decency to send a quick text to let me know where he was.

NerrSnerr · 07/01/2017 08:09

Once or twice a month is regular! What if this weekend you leave the children with him while you go to the shops but then decide to go to the pub and don't come back until 11pm, how would he react to that? I assume not well.

Xmasbaby11 · 07/01/2017 08:13

It's thoughtless of him especially to do it that often. Hope the message gets through this time.

bouncydog · 07/01/2017 08:17

When my dh used to do this many years ago, I used to bounce out of bed in the morning and get on with the housework. I always had a problem getting the vacuum cleaner under his side of the bed for some reason and it took a lot of banging around to do that side .........

BitOutOfPractice · 07/01/2017 08:20

Is it really that big a problem that he went out for the evening? He's an adult after all.

Newideas the op has said, repeatedly, that it's not a problem. But that the lack of communication is.

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