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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

cheating with escort

64 replies

yourname00 · 06/01/2017 20:35

I've been dating this man for about 2 months now who is divorced, well going through one (not finalized). He seems like a really great guy but I am concerned about something I recently found out. He had cheated on his wife with an escort. I think it may have been twice, but not sure..

I really don't know how to feel about this. It's kind of a deal breaker for me but perhaps he was going through things i don't quite understand. I'd like to know how others would take this.

OP posts:
BossWitch · 06/01/2017 20:37

Walk away.

Patriciathestripper1 · 06/01/2017 20:37

Run.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 06/01/2017 20:38

Run
If that's his way of dealing with things he is going through, he's not someone to have a relationship with!
And be glad you found out now.

Offred · 06/01/2017 20:39

You know how to feel about it. It is a deal breaker for you, you said it. What possible help do you think it would be to hear how other people who are not you would feel about it.

I would also be suspicious re why you are not feeling able to act on your own feelings and why he has told you. Has he been love bombing you prior to 'being really honest'?

ConfusedNoMore · 06/01/2017 20:39

It means he's a liar and thinks nothing of women if he thinks it's OK to buy them.

Original poster
yourname00 · 06/01/2017 20:43

Offred: no love bombings at all, our relationship is super chill. We happened to talk about infidelity and he was honest about it right off the bat. I don't want to be judgmental but buying sex, i can't help but judge your character.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 06/01/2017 20:44

Is it from a reliable source? If so run.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 06/01/2017 20:51

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>

Okkitokkiunga · 06/01/2017 20:51

Well I think about it differently. Assuming that an escort is voluntary as opposed to coerced, I think it's better to pay for sex than having an affair. Satisfying a physical need is very different to either getting emotionally involved having an affair or taking advantage of an emotionally vulnerable woman for free sex.

Is this why he is getting divorced or another reason?

chitofftheshovel · 06/01/2017 20:57

An ex of mine told me he had slept with a prostitute whilst he was still married. God, I wish I'd taken that as a warning sign as to the kind of mysoginist bastard he was.

Out of interest what is the difference between a prostitute and an escort?

user1478860582 · 06/01/2017 21:00

I agree with Okkitokkiunga.

And let's be honest, he could of not told you and you'd be none the wiser. It takes two to make an unhappy marriage and something done in an unhappy marriage is not necessarily an indicator of what he would do with you.

The only thing is, he's been honest with you can you be equally honest about your feelings with him and talk it through or do you just run? He deserves the chance to explain.

Okkitokkiunga · 06/01/2017 21:00

I think that an escort in theory isn't there for the sex. It's an additional extra if she choses.

user1478860582 · 06/01/2017 21:01

Escort/prostitute. I think the only difference is cost!

Original poster
yourname00 · 06/01/2017 21:03

Okkitokkiunga: No it was not the reason they divorced, it was a while ago. i think they moved past that.

I am a very open minded person so I dont want to jump to any conclusions. He did mention that they didn't have much of a sex life so it seems maybe he just wanted his needs to be met. In either case, it wasn't the right decision but is it something that should hold me back from taking this any further. I am not sure..

OP posts:
NeeNahh · 06/01/2017 21:08

I think that a lot more men have used escorts than would ever admit it to it and it's actually more common than you might imagine.

If you are unsure of what to do I don't think there's any harm in letting some time pass, or cooling things a little until you are. Two months is no time at all so I don't think you need to make any decisions about your longterm future now.

Okkitokkiunga · 06/01/2017 21:11

Well he was honest. I'd ask if he'd had a clean bill of health sexually, though I guess you may have covered that already. I wouldn't dump him though I would want to get to the bottom of why.

gillybeanz · 06/01/2017 21:19

I'd want to know what "not much of a sex life " constituted tbh.
For some it's going without for a night, others it may be months.
I'd also wonder why there wasn't much of a sex life as well.

Also you don't know why his needs weren't being met, nor his ex side of the story.
I'd be very wary despite his honesty.

MrsDustyBusty · 06/01/2017 21:24

Personally, I'd get rid of the notion that men have these needs that require any random woman to meet. If the wife won't, then a prostitute will. Just think about the day you don't feel like it. In essence, if you accept that he has needs that he has a right to get met by any means necessary, never have unprotected sex.

Really, run from the dirty old fool while you can.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 06/01/2017 21:25

I think he's telling you who he is... so listen!

He's being honest so he'll know that if you stay with him it won't be so bad if he decided to go off and have sex with a prostitute:

TheNaze73 · 06/01/2017 21:30

Everyone is entitled to a past.

Okkitokkiunga · 06/01/2017 21:37

That why I said her to the bottom of why. If he was having sex once a year with his wife then that's very different to she said no last night so I went and paid for it.

Regardless of what many people of MN say, it is not unreasonable to think that sex is a regular part of a healthy marriage. I'm not talking PiV - any sort of physical interaction. And as cliched as it is Men really are from Mars and Women from Venus!!!!

Okkitokkiunga · 06/01/2017 21:37

TheNaze well said.

jeaux90 · 06/01/2017 22:39

The naze, gillybeanz etc I think are right. He told you, he didn't have to. It's all about the context. X

RubyFlint · 06/01/2017 22:44

Go with your instinct!

icy121 · 06/01/2017 22:48

Agree with Okkitokkiunga. Escorts for whom it's a choice are different IMO to prostitutes and I wouldn't judge a man or woman for using them. An opinion not shared much on here though!