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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FFS, getting the brush-off again.

29 replies

namechange102 · 05/01/2017 12:49

Not sure why I'm posting this, just need a vent, I think.

Thanks to all who posted on my previous thread about when is a red flag not a red flag. I spent the past few days considering all the things which I have concerns about (there were more than I actually posted about) and wrote a really long, calm letter detailing everything, where I feel I stand, and the future. (When we have spoken about this stuff before it more than not turns into a blazing row.) The first thing I asked him to do was read the red flag thread, as he seems to believe that I am just about the only person who thinks a certain way about this stuff, and I'm obviously not. Well, an hour later, he's read the letter, not the thread, and is sitting playing computer games. He's just this minute come down to (I assume) read the thread after I went in and told him he wasn't taking me seriously.

What's the betting I'll get all the same excuses and brush-offs as before, only this time he'll be super pissed a bunch of strangers have slagged him off online?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange102 · 05/01/2017 12:52

Oh, forgot to say - Hi OH, you've probably done a name search and are reading this right now! Angry

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/01/2017 12:55

Is this really the only way to communicate with each other? Letters and threads in mumsnet? If that's the case, I'm sorry, I can't see how your relationship can survive, if indeed that's what you want. I haven't read your other thread though so no clue on what your issues are. However a key one is clearly uou can't communicate with each other.

LesisMiserable · 05/01/2017 12:58

Telling him to look at a thread on MN was your first mistake Hmm

Original poster
namechange102 · 05/01/2017 12:59

Yeah, think you're stating the obvious there Blunt. Of course it's not how we usually communicate. But it may be useful for him to see other ppl opinions, and a letter means I can get it all out uninterrupted, without forgetting anything Hmm

OP posts:
Ilovecaindingle · 05/01/2017 13:00

I personally wouldn't consider myself in a proper adult relationship with a man who puts computer games before conversing about our problems!! (his problems)

Sounds like a man - child.

Best avoided at all costs.

LesisMiserable · 05/01/2017 13:00

I think beinging other people's opinions into a couple's dispute is always a recipe for disaster.

Original poster
namechange102 · 05/01/2017 13:01

Why, Les? I know other ppl have suggested it before in other places

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange102 · 05/01/2017 13:01

X post

OP posts:
WriterNeedsHelp2017 · 05/01/2017 13:04

It's always considered terrible advice, to give a partner a link to a thread where you're criticising him. He's likely to jump on the one person who criticises you and then you're left without your safe haven.

LesisMiserable · 05/01/2017 13:05

It depends whether you want to find resolution or prove you're right and other people agree with you. I wouldn't care what other people say about my relationship woes and if DP pointed me towards any kind of forum subject basically outlining where I'm going wrong I would bin him for trying to use a third party opinion as leverage against me.

LesisMiserable · 05/01/2017 13:05

The letter though, if its come to that, is fine.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2017 13:09

People on here do tend to take the posters side for the simple reason they are trying to provide support, and the side the op presents when detailing the issue is very one sided usually, they don't often front up withnwhat they are doing wrong. Not always but it happens.i don't know if you did that or not or what your husbands perspective is on the issue.

However I would not canvas opinion on a public forum then show it to my husband in an effort to show I'm right and he is wrong. For one thing the people posting only have a very small glimpse into the overall situation and it's what the op decides to show them.

If uou need to ask opinion on here fair enough, but in many cases that should be for your own info, not so you can show it to your partner to prove the error of his ways. Your relationship is about the two of you, not strangers on mumsnet.

Original poster
namechange102 · 05/01/2017 13:09

Yeah but that isn't what I was doing. When you are basically told you are the only person who would think a certain way, and you know damn well you're not, because it's there on the screen, I defy anyone not to want to use that as justification for having a (not unreasonable) view point. I'm tired of being in the wrong.

I didn't criticise on the thread. I stated the facts and defended any mistaken assumptions.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 05/01/2017 13:14

Does it matter who agrees with you? Do you think it will make the scales fall from his eyes because some faceless posters concur?

Will it f*ers like! Red rag to a bull. Surely.

Original poster
namechange102 · 05/01/2017 13:21

No, just the fact that I'm not the only one in the world who would see something a certain way.
Anyway, don't know why I bother. That's it. I give up.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 05/01/2017 13:23

Dont give up. Just acknowledge that on this particular thread, some of us think you made a mistake. Nobody is infallible.

TheNaze73 · 05/01/2017 13:23

Bluntness is spot on with what they're saying

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2017 13:24

Op, I've just looked at your last op, haven't read the whole thread. Apart from the wanting to shag someone else 15 years ago and once thinking of leaving you I'm struggling to see what he's done other than look at some stuff on the internet. Stuff like looking at porn of having a look at tinder as a mate uses it are for me not the stuff of arguments, for others I understand it is.

If uou think he's being unfaithful to you address it with him. However you're either wrong and he's not unfaithful or you're right and he is, no matter what people on the internet say.

LesisMiserable · 05/01/2017 13:25

Bob on bluntness

Original poster
namechange102 · 05/01/2017 13:34

Blunt my issue is that at every step of the way he has lied to my face. Repeatedly, until I shove indisputable evidence under his nose. I wouldn't have argued with the porn, apart from the fact it was on the family laptop and he lied about it (again).
He didn't even admit to taking a condom away with him until it was obvious I knew and wasn't going to back down, so I have brought stuff up with him, I can just never be sure what is the truth. I'm so sick of it.

OP posts:
Daisyfrumps · 05/01/2017 13:41

my issue is that at every step of the way he has lied to my face

So why is he still there? Why haven't you quit the relationship? Why are you trying to convince him he's in the wrong?

Original poster
namechange102 · 05/01/2017 13:49

Because a lot of it just came out recently. Not trying to convince him he's wrong, just showing that I'm not automatically the only person to see things a certain way.
Doesn't matter anyway, does it? Can't prove anything. Relying on trusting his word, which has been a load of bull before. But who knows, might be honest this time? And there it is in a nutshell - not enough evidence to break the family up, just enough shit going down to make me feel like I've been taken for a fool yet again.

OP posts:
Daisyfrumps · 05/01/2017 13:54

You don't need evidence. You don't need him to be sorry. Simply not liking how he makes you feel is more than enough reason to split... Honestly. Life's too fucking short. Don't feel guilty if you have children. He's done this.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 05/01/2017 13:57

You don't need evidence - it's not a court of law. If a relationship is making you unhappy for whwatever reason, you are free to leave it.

Chops2016 · 05/01/2017 15:09

So he knows you're unhappy enough in the relationship that you have written him a letter and sought advice/support online, and his first reaction is to play video games?

I'm sorry but that says all you need to know about how much he values you and the relationship.

It is shit, but people treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. And he knows you aren't happy, but you arent going anywhere either.

He knows he can string you along with lame excuses without fear of you leaving him. Only you can change this.

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