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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

are these signs or am I paranoid?

32 replies

Canttrustanymore · 05/01/2017 06:43

DP does the following:

-Turns phone screen away from me when we're out or in bed - I can see its conversations but not much more.

-Acts less interested day to day - rarely flirty messages, compliments etc (used to be constant)

  • CONSTANT adding females on social media he insists he know (when some are pages from models and people with thousands of followers? !)

-Gets angry at me for bringing any of it up because it's me being paranoid and over analysing.

-has a few females who 'like' and 'comment' on everything he posts.. Even if he hasn't been active for several days (so he must be talking to them for them to be scrolling through his profile if he hasn't posted to bring stuff up?!)

  • one more really dodgy thing I don't want to write on here as it will make obvious who I am! Please send direct message and I will let you know. Sad

Bit of background: met a year ago, despite these things we do still spend time together very regularly, he does make plans to see me. Also once I snuck a look at his phone and he was just playing candy crush. Blush and not sure if he was only messaging loads and being flirty when it was still in the 'winning me over' phase?

Also I completely understand the lack of trust being a very bad sign. But I do have a tendency to over think. Opinions welcome!! FlowersCake

OP posts:
VivDeering · 05/01/2017 07:14

I think that it depends upon what you think the my are signs of.

Rubyslippers7780 · 05/01/2017 07:21

What would you want? How open is he regarding other women? Why does it matter if he follows models on social media? Your paranoia could be damaging and controlling unless you have a really open discussion on why it bothers you so much and he takes on board your issues.

Livelovebehappy · 05/01/2017 07:44

Guess you would need to give us some background on his previous background, before you and he became involved. Was he in a relationship/married prior to you, and did his relationship end due to infidelity - does he have form for cheating? What you've posted doesn't necessarily point to cheating, but if you are suspicious, then sometimes it's a gut instinct which comes from other issues. Just keep a very close eye on things at the moment as you don't have any proof he is up to anything. I must admit though that some of what he is doing would ring alarm bells with me.

Original poster
Canttrustanymore · 05/01/2017 08:59

How open is he regarding other women?: he is open, says he knows a lot of women From work, old friendship groups, etc

Why does it matter if he follows models on social media? It's just it's a regular thing for him to follow/add 10+ new girls each day. Like as if every few hours hes finding old friends to get back in touch with? I know he doesn't know all of them so I just can't think of what reason he'd have to have that many females profiles avaliable at all times for him to contact

OP posts:
Original poster
Canttrustanymore · 05/01/2017 09:01

Previous background - he told me a while after we'd started dating he's had a lot of previous sexual partners when younger. He'd been in a few relationships over 1-2 years but he said he wouldn't describe them as being that serious or he'd still be with them

OP posts:
Original poster
Canttrustanymore · 05/01/2017 09:03

Also saw a message he sent to a girl with loads of 'x's after it, congratulating her for something to do with her career.. Am I weird for finding it weird hed write xxxx after a message to a female?!

OP posts:
VioletRoar · 05/01/2017 09:04

I'd trust your gut, personally.

LineyReborn · 05/01/2017 09:05

He sounds very immature, as well as distant. He shouldn't be calling you paranoid - that's a nasty trick. He shouldn't be getting angry with you - that's just awful.

And actually he sounds quite boring.

InfoFreako · 05/01/2017 10:12

I would try and take a look at his phone (when he's in the shower maybe?) and see who he's in contact with.

Some may call it sneaky but you have to do what you have to do.

Many guys who claim to have many previous sexual partners will usually still have 'a roaming eye' and look out for opportunities. The tap's not all of a sudden going to be turned off, so to speak.

I hope it works out for you.

Cheers

Original poster
Canttrustanymore · 05/01/2017 10:29

Liney - to be honest I am bored of it now. I just feel like I couldn't leave unless I had evidence. It's so tricky Envy

Info - I could try that but I think he has a passcode. Although I wouldn't feel bad for snooping, he's done little to nothing to reassure me - think he feels that having to deal with what I'm saying would be an admission of guilt so he just dismisses everything.

Would you ladies find the message with loads of kisses afterwards weird, or am I being silly about that? Confused X Flowers

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 05/01/2017 10:31

I think you're being a bit paranoid but I understand why. I think he's also knowingly doing/saying stuff to 'keep you on your toes' so perhaps he is actually a bit insecure.

Ellisandra · 05/01/2017 10:40

So, you've posted a few things that might or might not be issues.

But don't want to share one that is "really dodgy".

I don't think there's much point in reading 50/50 responses about whether men use "xxx" in a friendly way, when I expect that what you're holding back would blow a few X out of the water!

The one thing he absolutely has done wrong is lie to you that the models he's adding are all friends.

Now a man can follow what he likes... but I personally would think a man adding 10+ women a day was a bit weird, a bit sad, and a bit dull. I just don't see myself in a relationship with someone with that kind of 'hobby'.

For balance - I don't think I'm a natural fit as a friend for a woman who did that with men. I saw a friend of a friend's desk the other day, complete with semi nude footballer poster. I thought - you're 41 not 14, and didn't think we'd have much in common!

Same with your boyfriend. Sitting around following women (it is only women, right?) Nah. Sad and dull.

LineyReborn · 05/01/2017 10:44

You can dump him for whatever reason you like, OP. Personally I would get very bored very quickly with a man so up himself.

Daisyfrumps · 05/01/2017 10:45

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who 'collects girls' in this way anyway. You don't need a reason to knock it on the head if it doesn't feel right.

Joysmum · 05/01/2017 11:26

I couldn't be with anyone who makes me feel insecure. You'll spend your whole life feeling insecure and second guessing yourself and him and that's not a happy life.

WriterNeedsHelp2017 · 05/01/2017 11:28

Do you live together?

Do you have children together?

Ilovecaindingle · 05/01/2017 11:35

Sounds like a man who needs a lot of ego stroking!! He is seeking more and more females out to keep in touch with etc!! Bit odd. Yeah if he already had female friends to keep up contact with etc but to be actively adding to his 'harem' is a bit ott imo!! He should be investing his obvious female love into more time /effort to you!!

scaredoffallout · 05/01/2017 11:50

Lots of kisses is strange yes, and not something I would like or be comfortable with. IMO.

I wouldn't waste your previous headspace on him tbh.

scaredoffallout · 05/01/2017 11:50

Not previous - precious

Original poster
Canttrustanymore · 05/01/2017 12:25

Thanks for all replies -

Ellisandra - the only reason I'm wary of posting is because it would link it back to me if anyone I knew was to read! Basically along the lines of being somewhere it would be strange to be unless he wanted to meet girls. But obviously there's loads of reasons he's come up with to why it's justified..

Yeah I do find the excessive following thing a bit off putting? Like we might not have seen each other for a couple of days (busy with work etc) but he still has time to be actively following new girls.. Rests lush friendships supposedly.. Several times a day?

And yes it is pretty much only women he follows.

Me bringing up any of those things and he says I'm just making something out of nothing, like I'm just moaning for no reason or trying to give him a hard time, so I end up feeling bad for being suspicious and feeling like I'm being a bore or doing something wrong. Envy

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 05/01/2017 12:30

OK, if this is you 'making something out of nothing', what is the rest of your life like , with him in it? Do you feel relaxed, happy and content with your life together? Is the day better when he is around? If he is away, do you miss him?

If so, then yeah, maybe keep him. Otherwise, you know what to do. You don't need us to tell you.

Original poster
Canttrustanymore · 05/01/2017 12:49

We don't live together as I'm currently moving, there is a possibility of living together then. One DC

OP posts:
Original poster
Canttrustanymore · 05/01/2017 12:54

Finally here - to be honest I do feel really good when we are actually together. But I'm a firm believer that if someone can cheat, or even just intend to, they can't be trusted so if I knew he was doing something it would be the end

OP posts:
RunWalkCrawlbutMove · 05/01/2017 12:58

Honestly - he sounds like a twat. Immature and boring like the others said. He hasn't attempted to reassure you but has called you names. Unless he has a cock of gold I would ditch him

FatOldBag · 05/01/2017 13:04

Trust your gut. Things aren't right, he's not trying to put them right or reassure you or respect your boundaries. It's only been a year, this should still be the honeymoon stage, not dodgy behaviour and trust issues and kisses for other women and phone hiding. Horrible. You deserve better.