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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I start thinking, "Good I dodged a bullet" (because I really did) rather than feeling so sad

35 replies

GettingOverHim · 04/01/2017 10:09

My boyfriend broke up with me pretty much out of the blue 2 weeks before Christmas. He's back with his ex. There were LOADS of red flags about the relationship, which I'd ignored/not noticed. He treated his ex like this for years - often dumping her out of the blue ( I didn't know this at the time).

However, I'm really struggling to move on. I know I'm better off without him, and I know he's no good for me, but I need my heart to know this too. I'm struggling with No Contact , I'm struggling with sleep and eating and am feeling pretty anxious.

How long will I feel like this? What can I do to speed the process up? Thank you everyone

OP posts:

surferjet · 04/01/2017 10:15

Hi op. Sorry you're feeling like this. I know it doesn't help you right now, but I doubt there's a person in the world who hasn't been where you are now.
Sadly, there's no magic formula or quick fixes, you just have to take it one day at a time,
but will get over him. I guarantee you that.

CocktailQueen · 04/01/2017 10:17

Make a list of all the things you didn't like about him - the times he let you down, the things he said that made you feel sad, all the red flags. That might make you feel more positive.

tribpot · 04/01/2017 10:20

I would list out those red flags. Doesn't need to be here, but write it down and look at the list and I think you will begin to see that if a friend told you that was the state of her relationship you would be very alarmed.

Do things that make you laugh. TV shows, movies, books - stuff that makes you chortle out loud.

Plan something amazing for yourself - a holiday or a trip, or some kind of event? What's something you've always wanted to do?

Lovemusic33 · 04/01/2017 10:20

I'm pretty much in the same situation, I found out my partner had been cheating a few days before Christmas , he was arranging to meet other women he had met online. I know he's a total pig, I hate what he has done to me but my heart is breaking and I miss him so much. For me the choice of contact has been taken out of my hand, he continueslly messaged me trying to convince me that he handed cheated ( even though I had seen the messages on his phone ), my family reported it to the police and a couple days ago he was arrested for harassement and can no longer contact me or come near me.

I don't know how long it will take to move on, I'm taking each day at a time, I still love him, I miss him but I know I'm worth better than him and I can't go back.

I hope things get better for you soon but do allow yourself time, it's not easy

Original poster

GettingOverHim · 04/01/2017 10:26

I did see my therapist before Christmas, and told her in great detail about the relationship. She was shocked at some of the things I told her (and I assume she's heard a lot before). So I do know that if a friend told me this about their relationship, I know what my response would be!

OP posts:

Potnoodlewilld0 · 04/01/2017 10:28

Fake it till you make it.

Pretend that your ok
Tell yourself your ok
Act like your ok

FatGreen · 04/01/2017 10:30

If the fact that he treated you so horrendously badly isn't the ultimate turn-off, what about focusing on the little niggles that happen in any relationship, or imagining him sitting constipated and grunting on the loo or something?

Can you think analytically with your therapist about why you were so ready to ignore the red flags during the relationship, and why your response to being treated badly is to be sad rather than angry?

Lovemusic33 · 04/01/2017 10:34

It's not always that easy.

My family warned me when I got into this relationship as did friends, I knew it wasn't great and I kind of knew it would end badly but I couldn't walk away, I can see that I am better off without him but my heart tells me different, I miss the things we did ( the bits that were good ), I miss the things he said and I miss him being around, it's hard to focus on the bad bits but you have too.

It's ok to have bad days, I. Sure they will get less and less over time. Get yourself strong, Get over him and then move on. I'm sure there are good men out there and eventually we will find someone who treats us right and deserves our time.

CockacidalManiac · 04/01/2017 10:36

It's pretty normal to feel rotten about it. It'll take a while for your heart to catch up with your head.

TheNaze73 · 04/01/2017 10:38

The only thing that will work here is time. Making lists etc, is just giving him more of your headspace.

They'll be a realisation day, out of the blue when you'll realise he's a cock & the what was I doing penny will drop

Original poster

GettingOverHim · 04/01/2017 10:38

Lovemusic everyone warned me about this guy. My friends couldn't stand him. I ignored them - I was so stupid.

fatgreen yes we've been doing that - she has a theory why I did this (down to rubbish childhood/parenting). It's very interesting actually.

Thanks everyone. I'm having a bad day today - have been doing much better.

OP posts:

OFFFS · 04/01/2017 10:39

It's still early days.

Be kind to yourself, talk to your therapist, use some self-compassion.

Healing takes time.

skyyequake · 04/01/2017 10:42

I just want to say I'm so glad you dodged the bullet! I didn't and ended up pregnant and living with him for two years before I realised what my life had become and got out... And I know exactly how you feel.

My suggestion is enjoy the little things in life right now... Watch movies/tv that you like (preferably not romance ones), eat light, refreshing food during the day and sit down in the evenings with a big bar of chocolate/tub of ice cream/whatever, make a playlist of kick ass "fuck you" songs and dance like no one is watching (if you have Spotify I can link you to mine, I made it for me and another lady on here), get out in the fresh air, find some open land in the countryside or a clearing in the woods and twirl about with your arms open like you're in the Sound of Music... If any of those red flags included stopping you doing things you liked, then go out and do them! When you feel a bit better then try going out with friends, make yourself a list of witty comebacks to guys who try to hit on you so you feel in control, dress in whatever makes you feel like a million quid... Just be kind to yourself, and treat yourself how he should have been treating you but was too self-absorbed to!

Sorry you're hurting but it'll get better I promise

rememberthetime · 04/01/2017 10:45

My therapist told me to feel the feelings. Don't try to ignore them because they will emerge later and stronger. One day of wallowing and crying and feeling sad could mean you wake up tomorrow feeling stronger and with some insights because you have analysed your feelings and taken the time to think things through.

Original poster

GettingOverHim · 04/01/2017 10:53

I do have Spotify skyye! Would be good to get the link.

I did get pg but lost the baby. Months ago now, so I'm over that, and my friends who know say that's a good thing (and I know it's a good thing by the way) . But I have to go through the due date soon though which will be tough. I know that it's a good thing I didn't get in any further with him - it would have been harder to extricate myself if I was living with him further enmeshed in his life.

remember my therapist said that too. Strangely, the only time I've cried was with her. at other times I'm struggling to breath or eat. (Every cloud - I'm very thin!). It's better than it was though, I'm not feeling constantly anxious

OP posts:

AhYerWill · 04/01/2017 10:58

I found really embracing the upset helped - setting aside some time to really wallow, feel sad and have a proper good cry (at home not at work or in public obvs). After 20 minutes or so I'd kind of run out of sadness and couldn't actually cry anymore. I did this pretty much every day and after a couple of weeks the time I felt like crying for got less and less until I didn't actually feel sad about it at all.

I think sometimes you just have to really feel what you're feeling rather than try to resist it.

Hermonie2016 · 04/01/2017 10:59

I find that the low periods come after I have stopped self care/ not seen the counsellor because I thought I was doing ok Then your reserves are low and it hits you again.

Take it as a sign to look after yourself.

Lovemusic33 · 04/01/2017 11:05

I struggle with eating too, I have probably eaten one proper meal over the past 3 weeks, at the moment I just eat when I feel like it, usually in the evenings when I realise I haven't eaten all day.

I'm hoping to get therapy too, I'm scared I will make the same mistakes with my next relationship, I tend to dive in and attract needy men. This one came with so much baggage and was so good at telling lies ( until the end when he was lying about stupid things ), I feel guilty for putting my kids through a year of hell, I feel guilty for not listening to my family who are no trying to help me pick up the pieces.

I cry most days, there's nothing wrong with being upset, it will get less and things will get easier, hopefully there will soon be a day where we don't even think about them.

Original poster

GettingOverHim · 04/01/2017 11:23

Yes, I've had a few good days (xmas day awful, but after that ok) and today it's hit me really badly. I think I thought I'd be ok once life got back to normal after Christmas, but actually it's the opposite. I just want to stop thinking about him actually. I'm boring myself now.

I don't cry at all. One of my issues, I don't get emotional. I think it would help if I did. Lovemusic, me too - was distant from my kids. I do feel bad about that. I'm reconnecting with them and it's lovely .

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 04/01/2017 11:31

I'm trying to put more effort in to spending time with my kids, it's hard as mine are at that age where they don't need me as much anymore. I feel like I have messed up by letting him take control of us for a year.

I struggled over Christmas, new year I had a total breakdown and had to call crisis team, I felt so fed up and alone and didn't want to carry on , I hate having him in my head all the time. A letter just came through the door for him and it was open so I had a look ( it was a letter declining a bank loan ), last week he had begged me for money via text, I know he has nothing but it's not my problem, he decided to make the choices he did, he has hardly any friends, now it is obvious why. I'm pleased he has ended up with nothing, he has got what he deserves. I'm lucky I still have my dc's, my home and family who are trying to support me. I just wish I could get him out of my head, it's hard when everything around me reminds me of him, he pushed his way into my life and controlled everything.

Original poster

GettingOverHim · 04/01/2017 11:35

similar to me Lovemusic. He has nothing, no friends and no family who talk to him. He's miserable and dissatisfied with life and I'm pleased!

I do feel so lucky to have amazing friends and family who've all been lovely (and very patient with me).

OP posts:

Original poster

GettingOverHim · 04/01/2017 11:36

but I know what you mean about having him in your head. I just want him out of mine.

OP posts:

skyyequake · 04/01/2017 12:33

Here's the playlist OP!

I know what you mean about him not having any friends or family, mine didn't either and as a result didn't want me to have any... It's because they're twats tbh

And I'm sorry for your loss it doesn't matter who the dad was you're still allowed to be upset about it x

SilkThreads · 04/01/2017 12:52

thank you for the playlist, skyyequake

I could do with it too.

I have dodged a bullet but it doesn't FEEL that way :(

Lovemusic33 · 04/01/2017 12:54

Yes, next time I get into a relationship I will be looking for someone who does have friends and are close to their family, there's a reason why people don't have friends and it's usually because they are not a nice friend to have, saying that, I don't have many friends but that's due to being with men that won't let me have friends, I'm lucky to have a few nice friends who stick by my whatever stupid mistakes I make.

For a while I felt sorry for him for not having anyone, I think the main reason I stayed with him was because he had such a good sob story ( bad child hood, evil ex wife etc...etc... ). I have a habit of being attracted to these people and I'm hoping a therapist can help me find out why.

I have just done some housework and cleared out a few things, making my home mine again now he's gone, I haven't been able to face it until today. It's time to try and move on, yes there will be times/days where we think about them, hopefully it will get less and less. I keep wonders where he is, what he's doing? But then I have to tell my self 'who cares?' I don't need to know these things, I just need to move on and thing about what I am doing, what my kids are doing and make sure I never fall into a trap like this again.

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