How do I start thinking, "Good I dodged a bullet" (because I really did) rather than feeling so sad

[GettingOverHim]

My boyfriend broke up with me pretty much out of the blue 2 weeks before Christmas. He's back with his ex. There were LOADS of red flags about the relationship, which I'd ignored/not noticed. He treated his ex like this for years - often dumping her out of the blue ( I didn't know this at the time).

However, I'm really struggling to move on. I know I'm better off without him, and I know he's no good for me, but I need my heart to know this too. I'm struggling with No Contact , I'm struggling with sleep and eating and am feeling pretty anxious.

How long will I feel like this? What can I do to speed the process up? Thank you everyone

yes mine too Lovemusic - his ex wife, ex girlfriend, parents etc - all awful. None of his fault of course. I'll know those red flags next time.

Just seen this in FB :

The truth about your heart;
Your heart will fix itself.
It's your mind you need to worry about.
Your mind where you locked the memories.
Your mind where you have kept pieces of the ones that hurt you,
That still cut through you like shards of glass.

Your mind will keep you up all night, make you cry,
destroy you over and over again.

You need to convince your mind that it has to let go.....
because your heart already knows how to heal.

Listen to lots of sad music, but yourself some gorgeous underwear and sleepwear,make your bedroom your boudoir. Really look after your body, lashings of nice body lotion etc. Pamper yourself whilst youve got time. And time will take care of it.

My ex was abusive emotionally, financially and physically. We were together two years, it was a very intense relationship. We broke up & got back together so many times. One day he just left me for another girl (who he'd cheated with previously)

My heart physically ached for 4 weeks, I didn't eat properly, I felt anxious inside and was a wreck in general. Getting out the house, seeing friends (even though I felt sick and anxious the whole time), crying when I needed to and deleting all traces of him helped.

It'll slowly get better. Trust me it will. Now my heart doesn't drop every time someone says his name & I'm in a happy relationship.

It really depends how intense the relationship was before you split up. If it was something that was on its way out anyway then you will have emotionally checked out more so than if you had no clue the ending was coming and were happy and content before it ended. If it was a sudden unexpected ending it will take you longer to get over as your brain will still be trying to make sense of it all.

Also it depends on the amount of withdrawal you feel. Some relationships can feel soooo addictive and give you such highs whereas others just plod along with less excitement. If it was an intense exciting relationship it can take ages to get over even if it was a short relationship. It's the brain's way of trying to feed the excitement to itself, by reliving the moments you shared with your ex, you get a little hit each time. It's almost like the brain tries to convince you to go searching for those highs again even if it means sending you into a totally chaotic situation.

The key thing here is to get yourself emotionally prepared in case your ex ever tries to come back. Go strictly no contact, get rid of anything that reminds you of him and make it extremely difficult for him to be able to contact you by blocking his numbers, emails, any other way he can contact you. If he can walk away from you so easily back to an ex then what's to say he won't try and do the same to her and come back to you once the excitement has died down for him there? And so the process starts all over again.

Sparkesx sounds very similar to me. I feel slightly better tonight.

angleshades yes a very intense relationship, and it was an absolute shock (to me at least) the ending. I think that's why I plunged into shock/anxiety, plus I saw him so much, he was such a big part of my life. I'm not sure whether he'll come back, but the sad part is part of me wants him to (not the sensible part, clearly). I'm hoping I'll have moved on if/when he does.

Thank you everyone else (skyye I went for a run with the playlist - really good!).

I'm glad it helped OverHim!

Seeing him so often would have been part of how he kept you... They make it so that you don't have anyone in your life except them so that when they're not there you "miss them". You don't miss him, you miss basic human interaction, which is perfectly normal and natural! Also when something that took up a large part of your life suddenly isn't there it can be a bit of a shock to the system (and daunting) to have all this time to yourself... Going for runs sounds like one great way of filling that time! Do you have any close friends you could invite over to stay the night? Have an old school style sleepover with snacks and films and maybe a bottle of wine? I found that the best thing was to have some interaction on a purely platonic basis, it reminds you that you can have a good time without romance, and especially without his brand of crappiness!

Sky is right, mine followed me around like a sheep, I kind of liked the fact he wanted to be with me all the time, he showed interest in everything I did and took part in everything. It was a shock when he went.
I hope you can fight the feeling to take him back ( if the situation arose), mine begged for me to take him back, denied cheating even though I saw the evidence on his phone, there was times when I wanted him back but I know I couldn't as I could never trust him not to do it again and I know the relationship would be shit. You are worth so much more than someone like him, in time you will move on. I'm lucky that I don't have to see my ex, I have an injunction out against him, it makes it so much easier for me not to be tempted.

I'm doing really badly today. I just miss miss miss him.

I haven't messaged him or stalked him or her on social media anywhere (so doing well there!, I'm doing loads of hobbies, spending time with people, I've booked a holiday, listening to music, etc etc but am just feeling really low.

How can I re-wire my brain so that I don't miss him but feel positive about my future without him? I did see him every day before we split up and it did come out of the blue for me (although not in retrospect actually).

It's ok to have bad days, I am the same, I was doing quite well, cleared the rest of his things out, signed up to the gym, been looking at holidays and signed up to online dating, then I went on a date yesterday and realised it's too soon , kind of thrown me a little and today I'm finding it hard, tomorrow will be a better day.

I just keep reminding myself how much stress he caused me and what a twat he is (it helps).