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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

On line dating recommendations

29 replies

IamMee · 02/01/2017 22:51

Hi... not sure I'm posting in right place and have namechanged due to info I'm about to give but... I'm early 40's, divorced for over 3 years based in north Cumbria and want to get more proactive about meeting someone for a relationship so thought I would give on line dating a try... there seem to be so many sites, where would you recommend I start?!! If possible want to avoid those with lots of sleeze etc! Thanks in advance

OP posts:

Original poster

IamMee · 02/01/2017 22:52

Oh and have young DC's too!

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 02/01/2017 23:59

POF is a bit of a meat market but lots of traffic. Match is ok. Stay away from tinder.

There are some parent orientated dating sites but I found them a bit crap.

Good luck!! Make sure you move to a call rather than message a lot. I found you can tell if you are going to get on by a quick phone call rather than sit through a crap date with someone who sounds like jimmy crankie. (Another reason to move to a quick call quick, voices can be so off putting )

jeaux90 · 03/01/2017 00:01

Oh I have a dd too. Try and stick to guys with kids is another tip. Google them. Make sure they are who they say they are.
Use Facebook and things like linked in to check.

Sweets101 · 03/01/2017 00:01

Go for the free ones. It's a numbers game really so Pof or Okcupid.
Oh and be prepared to grow a thick skin

DaisyDanzel · 03/01/2017 00:10

I have done online dating for years. Heard some negative reviews of POF but also have heard of people who have met and married through it. There were times that I had a profile for a few years and wasn't interested in anyone! Then 2 years ago I met my BF on match. My mum met her partner on match. My sister met her partner on eharmony (she had my niece who was 5 at the time).

I don't think you should really rule out any 1 site...maybe join a few. I think I mostly went back to match because it had the most people on it.

Also, no matter which site you join you are unlikely to ever avoid sleeze. Prepare yourself for some weirdy messages amongst the nice ones!

ShatnersWig · 03/01/2017 08:14

Let's be honest. For every one person who finds a partner through OLD, there are at least 50 who don't, probably a lot more. People set a lot of store by it and by so-called statistics that say most people meet their partners that way now, but the truth doesn't bear that out. I think that "fact" is potentially true if you live in a big city, but if you apply it UK-wide, it's total nonsense.

I have a very wide circle of friends. I can tell you that almost all of them - and me - have used OLD when single. Only one has got married to the person they met using OLD and one other is in an LTR. Every other person has had a succession of single dates or a handful of dates that never went beyond a 6-week period. I've been single 6 years, another friend 10, another friend 5 and another friend 4.

Use it by all means, but do not go into it with any expectations whatsoever and develop a VERY thick skin. Being in Cumbria, you will find far less candidates to date than in a big city.

ShatnersWig · 03/01/2017 08:47

Oh yes, and there was a study done in 2014 which said that couples who met online were three times more likely to divorce than those who met in other ways like work, hobbies etc.

Oddly enough, the one couple I know who married having met via OLD (he was her first date, she was his 17th and she hit the jackpot as he is hugely wealthy, ahem) have already had a "make or break holiday" less than 4 years after the marriage.

petal68 · 03/01/2017 15:54

Hi, I am in North Cumbria as well and found okc to be fairly lacking in numbers of men but I might have a slightly different age range as I am late forties. Match seemed to be ok but I didn't want to pay. POF had quite a lot of men my age and I met a few and have now been going out with someone for 4 months who is lovely although still early days!

You can do a search on pof without joining and see what you think before putting a profile up.

Good luck and maybe join the dating thread - I found it really helpful

PassTheSatsumas · 03/01/2017 15:58

I think previous posters are a bit negative! I'm late 30s and approx half my social circle have met their long term partners/husbands online ... (the rest met through friends or as students)

OFFFS · 03/01/2017 16:21

Guardian Soulmates works - but it doesn't have the volume of traffic (outside of London) other sites do, so it's a bit slow and not much of a turn over of people. But there are some lovely sincere types on there. Apparently the good ones get snapped up pretty quickly.

There's a very helpful dating thread on here. Lots of good advice and support.

CoughingForWeeks · 03/01/2017 16:33

I've been on and off POF for a while but recently joined Tinder and found it miles better. I was always against the idea of it because it sounded so superficial but I'm a convert: nobody can message you unless you have liked their profile, plus it's linked to Facebook so they're more likely to be who they say they are. It also shows whether you have any mutual friends, or friends of friends. First Tinder date on Thursday (and he is gorgeous - way out of my league): fingers crossed!

InfoFreako · 03/01/2017 16:36

Personally, I think the paid sites attract a (dare i say) higher quality of individual than the free sites - not always but generally speaking.

Good luck!

Cheers.

Ciaovenora · 03/01/2017 16:38

Before, you think about paying for Match be aware its parent company owns POF/TInder/ OK Stupid & 56 other affiliated dating sites.

The only good things I have heard about Match is around the sites that target a particular segment( Religion for example) the site Match is actually crap.

Agree, Soulmates is very London based I don't think its worth it for anyone outside of big cities.

PaterPower · 03/01/2017 16:42

POF worked for me (eventually) but you should be aware that it's linked to other free sites which are aimed at different, more specialised, "markets."

So you can, for instance, find that your profile will appear on a site for people looking for casual flings, or married people for affairs etc.

My tip would be not to fart around messaging for weeks - face to face dates will tell you a lot more, and if you ask for one and get turned down then you know they're either time-wasters (lots of those on POF) or just not into you. Either way you can move on without investing anything more into them.

Oh, and sorry if this is teaching you to suck eggs, but be very aware of the scam artists on those sites (particularly but not exclusively the free ones). Asking for a physical meet will help you exclude some of those too.

grobagsforever · 03/01/2017 18:36

shatnerswig blimey that's a negative post! OP - I know of numerous online success stories from a wide range of sites - soulmates, match ok cupid and Tinder.

It's all in the numbers, a positive attitude and not lowering your standards.

Your low population area will make things more challenging so cast your net wide.

LellyMcKelly · 03/01/2017 20:54

I met mine on Match. I paid, and only dated men who had paid. I had a great time - met some lovely guys, even if there was no spark with most of them. Be clear about who you are and what you want, for example, "I'm an outgoing, well read, professional, and interested in meeting someone similar" or, "I have a deep and enduring love of cheese and hang gliding and would love to meet someone who shares those interests". I was 46 with two young kids (aged 6 and 8), and had no problem meeting men. Treat it as a bit of fun, keep your head screwed on, and go for it. I've been with my DP for nearly two years now, and it just keeps getting better and better.

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap · 03/01/2017 20:59

I disagree with paying for a site.

I was on a pay site ''parship'' and the men all felt very entitled to a younger partner. I didn't get one single date on that site because I'm not going to date anybody more than 7 years older than I am. I joined POF (free) and have had no problem getting dates (mind you second dates is another story).

But I've never had a dick pic.
DOn't choose anything with an innuendo for your screen name.
Don't duck face in your photo

LucieLucie · 03/01/2017 21:04

Why not try meeting new people via a real life social network like 'Meetup'. It's not a dating facility but people arrange a lot of things to do which ties in with hobbies and interests.

Much more likely to find common ground with someone there I think.

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap · 03/01/2017 21:23

I've been to a few meet up things but ........... I dont know. I've never met anybody doing that. I mean people to vaguely make small talk with for one evening but it's not like anybody takes your number.

TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap · 03/01/2017 21:26

Also, my interests are hypnosis, vegetarian cooking, yoga, psychology and dress making classic designs from forties and sixties, also learning Danish. I aint gonna meet no men persuing the things that genuinely interest me.

Suggest a few male-populated hobbies to me?!

UnGoogleable · 03/01/2017 21:28

If you go for the free sites, expect plenty of men who are just cruising for a free shag.

Go on a site that you have to pay for, and you'll find people who are willing to invest in finding someone.

Bant · 03/01/2017 21:41

If you go for the paid sites, expect to meet people with a sense of entitlement, as they paid for it.

There isn't one solution. It's a numbers game, with lots of pitfalls and emotional highs and lows.

Join the dating thread on here, there are about eleven thousand posts of dating history. Plus people going through the same stuff now.

Mirandawest · 03/01/2017 21:43

I met DH on OKCupid nearly 5 years ago (turned out we were both on PoF)

Original poster

IamMee · 04/01/2017 12:41

Gosh.... thank you all, I really appreciate your advice... and am taking it all on board... now just need to come up with a user name, thick skin and hope my sense of humour doesn't run away from me!!

OP posts:

itsgoodtobehome · 04/01/2017 13:47

You've had a lot of varying advice on here. Just to add my pennys' worth from my experience:
I met my DH on Match. We've been married for 6 years, together for 8, so disagree with the poster who says that those marriages don't last (so far!)
Definitely play the numbers game - don't get too hooked up on just seeing one person at a time.
Don't spend too long messaging - meet early on as that is the only way you can truly tell if you are compatible.
I can honestly say that I had fun doing OLD. It was fairly easy to tell from messages who were the 'dodgy' ones, so I never actually met anyone too weird. All the dates I had were interesting in their own way. Some liked me more than I liked them, and others I liked that weren't interested in me. It was fairly instant though when I met my now DH - we hit it off straight away.
Definitely go for it and have fun. Best of luck.

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