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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just left me

36 replies

Anotherbrokenheart · 30/12/2016 12:21

NCed as very outing.

DP of 3 years has told me he no longer feels the way he did before and can't see us having a future and wants us to break up.

It's not totally out of the blue as we had some issues we were working through and I was frustrated he hadn't proposed.

We have been living together in his house all this time so on top of being single again at 35 I'm homeless and my job contract ends at the end of Feb.

I'm lying back in my single bed at my parents house wondering how I've ended up back here

OP posts:
Scrumptiousbears · 30/12/2016 12:24

Sorry you're going through this. It's happened to me on a number of occasions (not the living situation though). It's really hard having to start again. Flowers

Plaintalkin · 30/12/2016 12:32

I'm sorry this has happened to you made even worse by being this time of the year.

I could there, there there you but let's be honest it won't help much.

So........ you need to make some plans not least of which involves not being dependent on a man, any man ever again. You need your own rainy day fund, maybe your own place that you rent out if you move in with someone...you need a plan.

You're entitled to feel sorry for yourself till Jan 2nd then get your big girl panties on and show your ex the reason why he's your ex!! You're too damn good for him 😀.

It's your life - get it sorted . Small steps are fine as long as you're going forward.

Ps here's your first ( and last) hug !!!!xx

jeaux90 · 30/12/2016 13:16

Is there anything you have always wanted to do but haven't yet? Like work abroad? Maybe do something different if your contract is at an end?

And yes yes to being financially independent. I'm 45 now single mum and this is the thing that has bought me the put on many difficult situations.

Your life is in your hands, make it a good year. Xx

jeaux90 · 30/12/2016 13:17

That should read bought me an out.

Christmassnake · 30/12/2016 13:25

Perfect timing,couldn't be better,you are free,free as a bird.where do you want to go,backpack round Asia,study for a degree,move to new area, work in an orphanage ,wow the list is endless,and you my friend have the world at your feet...

AtSea1979 · 30/12/2016 13:29

I'I sorry Flowers that's really shitty but don't spend too long wallowing in that bed. Get a pen and notepad and start doodling. It's time to take stock. So many people, me included, can only dream of being in your position. You can go anywhere, do anything. Start dreaming, big. Plan those resolutions. Travel more, socialise more, push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Christmassnake · 30/12/2016 13:29

Age is just a number,think back to what you regret from your 20s and teens and go and do it now...before you meet someone else and get tied down with marriage ,use this time to find yourself with the safety net of your parents home to come back to...on your travels do lots of threads on mumsnet making us all jealous of what you are up to....

Original poster
Anotherbrokenheart · 30/12/2016 13:55

I did all my backpacking etc in the last few years. I felt ready to settle down and get married and have kids and enjoy this phase of my life.

I do appreciate all the kind words.

I'm just in shock at the moment

OP posts:
JimmyChoosChimichanga · 30/12/2016 13:58

Better you find out now though than after a ceremony OP.

Original poster
Anotherbrokenheart · 30/12/2016 14:52

Very true. Just at his and packing some stuff.

I do have a house and have rented it out for last 5 years as been living away. I can't stand the thought of moving back there.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 30/12/2016 15:11

You have your own house? That's a fortunate position to be in. How feasible would it be to live there again, once tenants were dealt with fairly and not in a mad rush? Why can't you stand the thought of it?

You need time to recover from this shock but clearly you've both been living in different relationships, as in what you thought was real suddenly turns out not to be as far as he is concerned. It's understandable that you're in shock and deeply hurt. Do you have friends you can talk and cry with?

jeaux90 · 30/12/2016 17:57

If you don't want to live there then can you sell up and buy somewhere else? Or go rent somewhere to try it out first?

Really glad you have a property. That's a great position to be in.

And I wasn't thinking about back packing, I did a stint (3 years) working out in the gulf from 37 and it was an amazing experience.

Anyway, as others said, you'll recover and good to know this guy's true colours before you were fully committed. Bullet dodged and all that! X

Christmassnake · 30/12/2016 18:51

How are you feeling today op ....any better? A tad more positive?

Original poster
Anotherbrokenheart · 30/12/2016 18:56

Hey. It's happened this morning so in pieces still.

Back in childhood bedroom. Can't look forward to just yet

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherbrokenheart · 02/01/2017 15:47

I think I'm go going to keep writing on this thread and try and keep it as a diary of what has happened and hopefully see my journey back to normal.

So I've cried pretty much none stop. The worst is first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Staying at my parents is a bit of a nightmare, I'm so appreciative for all they are doing but it's not ideal for any of us.

The cats came to my parents house but they have gone back to his now as they are more settled there. This might be insignificant to some but they have been my only light in my darkness, so it's been so hard giving them back. He is ok with me having them long term once I'm settled and has offered to pay 50% of all vets bills as they are not cheap cats.

He has been very reasonable which is good in lots of ways but hurts too. We sat down and sorted out money, bills and possessions. He is paying me back any money I paid for bathroom and kitchen and I'm keeping the car he bought me.

I've tried to dissect what has happened but can't get a lot out of him except he has realised long term he doesn't want to be with anyone and is happier on his own. He's 43 and had been single for 15 years before we met. I truly believe there isn't someone else I think he just feels we are done and now want different things. I really want kids and marriage and I think when it came to it he didn't.

I sound calm in this message but I'm not. I'm a total mess, going back to work tomorrow and utterly dreading it. I can hardly go an hour without crying and the thought of all the chit chat about Christmas seems so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherbrokenheart · 02/01/2017 15:51

I decided to declutter my Fb. I had over 900 friends (!!) mostly from travelling and backpacking days but also a lot of school friends and old work colleagues.

I realised how many people I kept on there that I didn't care about but also how many made me feel bad as a person such as close school friend who totally cooked our friendship a few years ago. I would look at her Fb and feel bad about myself and why she didn't want to be my friend anymore.

No more. I deleted half of the people. Ok that's still a crazy amount of people but it feels a lot lot better.

Not sure why it helped but it did!

OP posts:
Jayfee · 02/01/2017 15:52

It is like a bereavement...in some ways almost worse. You try to see what in yourself is wrong..what have you done..but the truth is it sounds like he is a man who doesn't need another person and prefers his independence.

Try to be kind to yourself. It will get easier.

Shayelle · 02/01/2017 15:54

Hey.. im sorry for the pain youre feeling. At least you know the clear reason - you want to settle have a family, he doesnt. Its better it ends now rather than in a few years time. Im 35 and single too, and life is good. Know it seems awful and raw now but you know in the long term its going to be better for you. In the meantime... Flowers x

Original poster
Anotherbrokenheart · 02/01/2017 15:57

Thanks.

its just so hard :(

OP posts:
Obsidian77 · 02/01/2017 15:57

Didn't want to read and run, hope work goes ok tomorrow, maybe being busy will give you something to focus on.
It's a really shitty feeling but hold on to the fact that you can get through this and the future holds so many possibilities. Flowers

jeaux90 · 02/01/2017 16:06

You are in mourning for the relationship you thought you had. The pain is palpable yes but it will ease I promise.

Your age differences are not insignificant.

I am 44 and couldn't imagine having another kid. 10 years ago I felt very differently.

I have used the "I prefer being in my own" line to guys, It's true. I really did feel like that (last year) and it had nothing to do with the guy I was seeing, he was lovely, just not for me. He wanted to settle down etc. I didn't.

I am sorry you are in a lot of pain, it will pass.
I hope you can distract yourself with work, friends and finding a new place to live that you can make your own for you and the cats xxx

Shayelle · 02/01/2017 16:07

The next few days and weeks are going to feel horrid but just take care of yourself and i hope it becomes easier sooner than you think x

Original poster
Anotherbrokenheart · 06/01/2017 13:03

I think it's getting worse.

I was already on Citalopram anyway but doctor was prescribed me Diazapram to help as I'm having complete anxiety attack. Shaking and panicking and struggling to breath.

I just don't want to even go through this.

OP posts:
HellsbellsE18 · 06/01/2017 13:19

Hi

I sat in my gos surgery and was physically shaking at the breakdown of my marriage and being rejected after 20 years by my husband. It hit me harder than anything I ever experienced, I was a physical wreck for days and days. My friends have been great and have let me talk, and it has helped for me to refocus on what was bad in the marriage for me. His decision to quit is apparently all because I nag etc, but there are two sides to every story and I felt he was hard to live with hence the nagging. I still have to see him everyday (long story) so not even able to shut myself away from him. The worrying and questioning as to what I have done wrong just go on. However what I do know is that I feel a hell of a lot better than I did 3 months ago and am worth more than being with someone who doesn't want to be with me. The thought of being on my own and having time for me is inspiring, or having someone look into my eyes and appreciate me instead of being irritated by me is also appealing! I think we try and make something work that we have at the time and it isn't always the right relationship but we don't know how to let go. These men have made the decision for us. Ultimately we can't change their minds and really do we want to? If he doesn't want what you want then be rid of him, it just doesn't feel that way now. Speak to friends, do your make up, buy some lovely clothes and get out there, it's his loss!

HellsbellsE18 · 06/01/2017 13:19

GPs surgery!