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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex h spending time with my family, Aibu?

27 replies

BugThePug · 28/12/2016 22:56

Ex and I have 3 DC 6, 8 and 10.

We divorced 3 years ago and do not get on. I left him. He moved in with my mother while sorting out somewhere permanent to live. My mother and I don't speak as she meddled a lot during our separation and was very disloyal to me.

She says she let him stay so she could see her grandchildren.

They (ex takes DC to my mothers) still now have Sunday lunch together and my brother and his wife sometimes go too. My grandmother, aunt and uncle send him Christmas presents (they only met him once).

It makes me feel bad, is that a normal reaction to this situation?

OP posts:

alvinp · 28/12/2016 23:05

Your mother sounds very disloyal. It must be awful for you.

Montane50 · 28/12/2016 23:14

Its a bit tricky, i know my parents struggled to go nc with my xh as he'd been in their lives for years and when i left him they didn't see it coming (id tried to make my marriage work for years). Its always best for the dcs if both parties don't have to pick a side, however your dm does seem to have chosen xh? Leave them to it-just dont include her if you meet someone else

TheNaze73 · 29/12/2016 08:25

I don't think this is rare.

Sounds like she thinks you wronged him and has taken sides

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 10:41

It's fine to be civil towards him for the sake of the dcs but that is as far as it should go.
Her loyalty should be towards you.I bet that he really gets off on it!

Kidnapped · 29/12/2016 11:02

Did you write about this before?

The ex has found a new woman and doesn't visit your mum with the children any more? Having been dumped by him, she's now trying to forge a new relationship with you instead?

If you and your mum don't speak then let them get on with it, I say. No need for you to involve yourself.

I do understand that it is really hurtful. But the more you demonstrate that you are hurt, the more she will try to hurt you. Make it a resolution in 2017 to fill your life with positive things (hobbies, work, fun stuff with the children) and you'll have less time to think about your mother.

NewNNfor2017 · 29/12/2016 11:05

Your reaction is entirely normal.

My parents have lost both their DCs because they chose to support my exH during our split at my expense.
It still hurts, even now.

Spam88 · 29/12/2016 11:07

No advice but inviting him round for dinner with the rest of the family really isn't normal

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 11:42

It's really quite sad to find out just how common this is.What on earth did they expect us all to do?Put up & shut up just to keep them happy?

NewNNfor2017 · 29/12/2016 12:03

fallen I'm expected to allow my DParents to make their own decisions and not punish them for having their own opinion about exH.

By saying I can't cope with their close friendship with him, they believe I'm being controlling.

Sadly, I can't compartmentalise my life like that - and neither can they - my main reason for going NC wasn't their frequent contact with him, but their (and his) constant references to each other when in conversation with me.

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 12:16

New entirely understandable.My relationship with my DM is in tatters due to this I have minimal contact with her.
I do feel that it sends the wrong message to the dcs, it makes us the Mums look like the bad guys iyswim.
I'm less hung up about it then I used to be as I've got other greater things to think about but it still hurts.

bluebeck · 29/12/2016 12:25

I would also feel utterly betrayed by this OP

Original poster

BugThePug · 29/12/2016 15:23

Thanks all, yes posted about this before.

He's just sent a horrible message to me, saying he doesn't believe DC would rather see me this weekend than him (it's my weekend with them).

I cannot believe my family still entertain him when he is so awful to me. It's just so hurtful and confusing.

My brothers meant to be coming round tomorrow for a Christmas get together. I haven't even seen him yet this Christmas even though ex has had a get together and meal with him!

I feel like cancelling on my brother until he can show a bit of loyalty. Would I BU to do this?

OP posts:

FatalKittehCharms · 29/12/2016 15:40

Don't give ex the satisfaction of lashing out at DB and potentially causing a rift.

Use this as an opportunity to talk to DB about ex's behaviour to you and the reason for the split, and tell him how hurt you are that your family seem to be taking ex's side.

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 15:59

Bug will have a look at your previous thread,somehow I missed that otherwise I would have posted my support for you!
You have every right to be angry,I feel angry on your behalf.My X(struggle to use the term husband)has had a right old Merry Christmas thanks to my so called relations!
Only you can decide what's best for you,but if it's really causing you this much upset then I would say that no you arent BU.

Original poster

BugThePug · 29/12/2016 16:09

Thanks guys

I have spoken to DB about exes behaviour on several occasions. He's fully aware of the way ex speaks to me and things he does.

OP posts:

QueenOfTheSardines · 29/12/2016 16:09

That's all just very strange and I'm not surprised you're upset. Who is their child here, you or him?

I'm not sure what to suggest

Do you get on with your brother - might he have some insight into why your parents are doing this? He's probably just going to see his parents and your ex being there is not down to him IYSWIM.

QueenOfTheSardines · 29/12/2016 16:11

Oh xposts sorry.

Have you asked him why your parents have favoured your ex over you? Does he know what their thinking is with that?

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 16:16

Yes that's a fair point your DM may well be arranging these little soirees!
I bet as well that he's sweetness & light when he's around them too!

Original poster

BugThePug · 29/12/2016 16:19

My parents are divorced. My father really dislikes my mother as she's so manipulative and cruel and he's a pretty forgiving person! He has been a great support through this.

My brother is very apathetic... He's said I ought to make up with my mother. He doesn't see much of my father. He's a bit of a mummy's boy. Sorry, weird family.

OP posts:

NewNNfor2017 · 29/12/2016 16:21

He's probably just going to see his parents and your ex being there is not down to him IYSWIM

That's how my Dsis got dragged into things - my parents insist on inviting exH and his DW to family events, including the ones which Dsis and BIL organised.

QueenOfTheSardines · 29/12/2016 16:25

Oh well fuck your mum then and hang out with your dad?

See your brother separate if you like him (even though he's apathetic he's probably just a bit not wanting to rock the boat etc).

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 16:25

Thank goodness for your DF! What does he think of X?
Clutching at straws here but do you think that your DB is just being diplomatic here? Or is he issuing his own invites to X?
How do dcs feel about things?

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 16:27

New wtaf???

NewNNfor2017 · 29/12/2016 16:33

fallen I know, Sounds bonkers written down.

Bug to you - I can relate to the whole "weird family" thing - my parents hosted my exH and DW on their honeymoon .
The sadness comes in waves - I can be fine for months, then have waves of guilt for not being more "adult" about it

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 16:48

What??? Did I read that correctly?!
I am beyond at some of this!
How utterly utterly hurtful & I think that it's bloody hard to be the adult in these circumstances.
New I know that from other threads that you're remarried,how has DH been treated by them?

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