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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How did you split?

40 replies

IronNeonClasp · 28/12/2016 08:57

I've been unhappy for over a year and had 'the conversation' with him a few times but every time he says he doesn't want to leave the 'family' home (2 DC). And it's half his (mortgage) so quite a reasonable request. I am feeling very despondent that this is all me trying to initiate.

I just wondered if you could tell me your (success) stories of how you made the break with a partner who was happy to cruise along on his own terms and not listen to yours.

OP posts:
Whathappensnowthen · 28/12/2016 09:09

I haven't quite made the split yet, but been dilly dallying about it for ages. Same as you, we have a joint mortgage and so technically neither can make the other leave. I was a stay at home Mum for almost 5 years, so no income. I felt I 'lost' myself so returned to work, against my husband's wishes. I have been very fortunate to find a part-time job that almost matches my husband's in terms of salary, but I do have to pay a lot of childcare as we have several young children (not all school age yet). However, this gave me the impetus to get my act together. I contacted an organisation called Gingerbread and they were able to go through my situation and give me some practical advice, as well as doing a benefits calculator type thing to tell me what help (if any) I would be entitled to. The upshot for me is that, subject to a few more enquiries, I may well be able to buy out my husband from the mortgage. This may obviously not be an option for everyone, but there were other suggestions that would be equally do-able. If you are serious about leaving then I recommend you Google this organisation and see what they say.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 28/12/2016 09:18

Thanks for your story, that's refreshing advice. Will have a Google.

OP posts:
Difficultyear2015 · 28/12/2016 10:28

I like you had had the conversation about splitting up for a good few years of me bringing it up on and off.

He paid no attention to the things I couldn't stand any longer.

One day I came home and told him I was leaving.
He didn't say much and continued to drink himself unconscious.

I put myself in the spare room, wedged something up against the door as I was quite scared of him and stayed away waiting for him to leave the next morning for work.

As soon as he did, I grabbed all of what I could fit into my car and drove to my mums and never went back.

He didn't call me for over a week

daddyorscience · 28/12/2016 10:41

Not a suggestion, but me and my ex were in the Same situation.. Joint mortgage. She tried to make me leave, in the end the only reason I did was that she said (and I shall quote): "if you force me out of the house, I shall take the kids and make damn sure you get screwed for access and don't see them".

Needless to say, no house is worth a child, so I reluctantly left. She's since told people I walked out on them. So it goes.

As it was, my solicitor was massively unimpressed, and to cut a long story short, she had to buy me out.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 28/12/2016 10:49

Sorry Daddy. That doesn't sound good at all. In my case I want everything to be as amicable as it can be. But perhaps I have rose tinted glasses on..

OP posts:
daddyorscience · 28/12/2016 11:05

Oh, its mostly amicable now.. She spent a year shredding me, removing any trace of me from the house etc, raging etc.. It's 2 years on now, we're mostly civil and chilled these days..I CBA to waste energy being annoyed. Kids are fine, that's all that really matters.

lilybetsy · 28/12/2016 11:33

I lost my temper one morning after at least 3 years of ALL my needs being ignored, of being not even worth a conversation, of being lived off 100% , after 13 months of no sex no affection and no intimacy. after he tried to force my 17 year old son out of MY home. after I begged him to get any kind of job to support himself as I was tens of thousands of pounds in debt from trying to support HIs 'business' But NO, he was not prepared to do that. ...

I lost it over next to nothing . he stomped out. i called a locksmith and changed the locks. My house, he contributed NOTHING financially for almost six years, and very little in any other way.

he was NOT pleased. I don't care. I told him 100's of times that I was worth more. Now he knows I meant it,

cunt

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 28/12/2016 16:08

Thanks lily. Sounds like a very difficult period and you sound very strong.

OP posts:
suzzanne · 28/12/2016 16:36

Like u my oh is happy to cruise along in a realtionship he knows is wrong. He wants me to be the one to break our family up. As a stay at home mum with no income, no option to start working as he works away from home so any job i get will only cover child care costs. We have a joint mortage also whoch i couldnt afford on my own and the kids want to stay in the house. :-/ not sure how i can

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 28/12/2016 19:35

Sorry Suzanne Flowers

Any more stories?

OP posts:
Scrabblewitch · 28/12/2016 19:44

My ex refused everything & roasted me alive. In the end his own lawyer told him it wouldn't look good before a judge if he didn't show himself to be the best father possible. At which point he moved out. Nearly killed me with stress though.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 28/12/2016 19:54

Thanks scrabblewitch- gives me focus and hope ! Flowers

OP posts:
joell75 · 28/12/2016 20:16

'Fell' into a relationship that lasted 12 years, 2 children, and us relocating across the country. In the end I was desperately unhappy. I had no job, no family nearby...no hope! But I wanted out. We split, and I managed to take on the mortgage by converting it to interest-only and having my dad stand as guarantor. After all that, six months later, I rented it out in order to move back to where I came from. The best decision I ever made. It HAS been difficult, because he has turned into a madman ever since I "screwed him over" by having him leave the house, and then making the decision to leave it myself. It was never meant to be that way, I was determined when we split that nothing else would change for the children; but after six months of feeling incredibly isolated, I wanted to be near family. Aaaaanyway, I now work, and run my own business aswell. In my experience, there is a huge amount of help for single parents (certainly, financially). I shudder to think of how my life would have been had I stayed with him. You only get one go at this. For me, the emotional toll of being in a relationship with a man that I didnt love was far greater than any financial hardship that I faced. I rent from a housing association while he has three houses that he spends his time between (soon to be four) and swans the world with his wife! But Im happier now than I could ever have been had I not made the decision.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 28/12/2016 20:21

Thanks so much joell - food for thought..

Hope you are in a good place now.

OP posts:
LegoStarWars · 28/12/2016 20:31

I'm intrigued to hear stories as well - another one here who's had plenty of conversations about how much we're not working and how desperately unhappy I am with no change or interest from him. Coming up on a final conversation but we jointly rent a house and I have no idea how things will work. I'm self-employed so will find it much harder than him to rent somewhere else, but I'm going to be the one initiating the split...

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 28/12/2016 22:08

More stories please Flowers

OP posts:
minisausage · 28/12/2016 22:13

Omg I'm in a dead end relationship with two young kids. Joint mortgage. I work but don't earn much.
Need to split up but absolutely crapping myself.
Anyway I'm Following this.
Good luck all those wanting to split

Pheebs77 · 28/12/2016 22:27

Sahm no job money or confidence. Took several years of sleeping in a seperate room, barely speaking to eachother before he finally faced up to things.
I still had to trawl rightmove to get him somewhere to rent and help him pack up. Joint mortgage so I took in lodgers to pay for that. Extraordinarily stressful time but its all calmed down now. The 2 years are nearly up where we're going to divorce on grounds of two year separation but god knows what's going to happen with the house and I'm terrified its all going to be horribly stressful again.
OTOH I'm much happier now, the kids spend more quality time with him & I am never living with or becoming financially dependent on a man again!

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 29/12/2016 18:44

Thanks for sharing Pheebs and Hi Mini Flowers

Bumping for your stories please.. It's all very helpful.

OP posts:
Sacherinez · 29/12/2016 20:42

Together 6 years, spent 4 of those discussing breaking up. Both of us too cowardly to end it. In the end, it took OM to finally make the break. Left OM after less than a year.

Sacherinez · 29/12/2016 20:42

Together 6 years, spent 4 of those discussing breaking up. Both of us too cowardly to end it. In the end, it took OM to finally make the break. Left OM after less than a year.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 29/12/2016 21:30

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Hmmmmmmmmmm10 · 29/12/2016 21:44

We've been struggling since the late stages of my pregnancy. Mainly for me to do with drinking and selfish behaviour. We've been going to relate for 4 months now but I'm not sure change is possible. I've turned myself inside out trying to work out what I can change but realistically it's him that chooses beer repeatedly over his family and I find it hard to respect and want to be affectionate with that. He is always so vague on the topic of actually making the split, saying we'll see how it goes. I can't do this disrespectful relationship anymore so my head is going to have rule. It's his house but I still own my flat so can get that back from tenants. I'm scared, mostly about how I'll cope with not having my little boy with me all the time. It's that that has made me keep hoping.

ManicPixieDream · 29/12/2016 21:49

Watching with interest as we are in almost exactly the same situation. We are at stalemate at the moment. It's not awful (he has previously been abusive / alcohol dependent). It's just bland. He wants to work on things and "not give up too easily". I've had enough and have emotionally detached. I can't force him to leave even though he said he would after Christmas Hmm

Have been trawling the relationship board looking for pointers. It's just so hard. Hope you get there OP. Flowers Chin up x

Ratbagcatbag · 29/12/2016 21:55

Just going through this. Not desperately unhappy by any stretch just don't love him in that way anymore. Had the house valued today. I'm ringfencing a chunk for him that his mum gave us last year and then we are splitting the equity (decent amount to be fair). He's hoping to buy me out and I should also be able to buy something small for me and dd. its all really amicable here but just sad. :(

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