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Original poster

Family Dynamics?

33 replies

Supermagicsmile · 26/12/2016 12:22

A few posters on my other thread encouraged me to post here, I hope that's okay as I didn't even know this board was here before now Blush

I do feel bad posting this as I feel it's disrespectful to my family but here goes...

My DB (26) seems to be the golden boy who can do almost no wrong. My parents do seem to favor him (but don't realise they do as when I point things out they look baffled.)
Some examples:
-growing up, he was always allowed to sit in the front seat (and I always had to have the back seat. There was no turn taking, I was just always sent to the back seat so he could have the front one. When i tried to argue my point I was told off.)
-once I learnt to drive, I was expected to drive him/pick him up whenever he required (still happens to this day if family are together)
-if we are all together at family gatherings (they are all here for Christmas) asking him to do anything is met with refusal and shouting. I don't think it's much to ask him to empty a bin/help with dishwashing duties while he's here over Christmas but apparently I am being massively unreasonable as he is here to relax Hmm
-He doesn't drive, so mum will collect him at all hours of the day and night, even if it's a massive inconvenience to her - she lives about 20 mins in the opposite direction to him and then a further 10mins more in his direction to his workplace (including early hours after a party etc) as he doesn't like to pay taxis and never offers to pay petrol
-He works full time and rents his own flat, but they're always buying him food and his shopping as 'he doesn't have much money.' (They cannot really afford to do this)
-when we all met up the other week at their house, they kindly bought us all a takeaway. Brother ate his meal and was still hungry so mum offered him her meal and said she could just have toast (even though she had paid for it and would mean she would be going without any food.)
-I am expected to run around after him like some sort of Prince too and whenever I put my foot down, I get told I am unreasonable. There are lots of other examples of things but it seems silly to list them all.

When I write it down, none of it sounds that unreasonable and I will probably ask for this thread to be deleted as it makes me sound like a horrible person.

OP posts:
Imfinehowareyou · 26/12/2016 12:25

Um, it all sounds massively unreasonable.

Cricrichan · 26/12/2016 12:30

You are in no way being unreasonable! I don't get it? Is it because he's male?? I wouldn't pussy foot around him nor run around after him. If your parents want to do it, then let them but pull them up on it. They've turned your brother into a massive spoilt and selfish idiot .

mamakena · 26/12/2016 13:34

Stand before a mirror and practice saying "No" 5 minutes a day... and don't back down even if they yell, accuse, insult, avoid you etc. It's hard at first, but very freeing.

scaryclown · 26/12/2016 13:43

If its any consolation, it must be massively infantilising for him.

I have parents who i have to resist being over nice to me, because if i let ot, i can feel the 'passive' washing over me and controlling me.

Look at it this way, he hasn't learnt to drive and is still percieved to be like a schoolboy with his first job and pocket money

If i stay around my parents too long i see that they reward passive behaviour and things 'yhat they wpuld do if they were me' but i am not 'allowed'/rewarded/helped for things that are the real me. Luckily I lived away from them for many years or i would feel like i had no 'me'.

ypur brother might be already there..

FinallyHere · 26/12/2016 13:44

You are Not Being Unreasonable

The more usual YNBU did not seem sufficiently emphatic to me. Is this a gender thing? My darling mother, in her late 80s, still retains a touch of this way of thinking, that somehow men are to be pandered to and women are there to serve them. We try and laugh her out of it, and refer to fairness.

She goes along with us nowadays, well, no choice really, but still thinks that somehow we will be found out and suffer for it. Sigh. I would like to think it was dying out with her generation so am very sad to here your experiences.

Please, please do set your own children a better, more fair example. All the very best.

scaryclown · 26/12/2016 13:47

bu the way the lift thing chimed with me. My parents always want to 'we'll just pick you up' so that they are in total control of when I leave. they went through a period of being really miffed if i walked or got the bus going on and on about how its easier to give a.lift.. and even were always 'sure your car wasnt working' ...it was hell!

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 26/12/2016 16:59

More fun from db today. He announced at dinner that he would be coming here New Years Day and would need to be picked up. Not even a please could he. I said no he could pay for a taxi and yet again I am told I am selfish and have a bad attitude!! Shock
I have a chair in the living room that is 'my chair.' I paid for it and bought it with additional specific features that I use daily. He likes this chair and I have let him sit in it on and off while he's been here but my back was aching so I dared to sit in it after clearing up dinner (which he didn't help with!) and he is demanding he sit in it. I have refused to move and he thinks I am completely unreasonable and he told me he wished he hasn't spend money on Christmas presents for me as i am selfish Hmm.

OP posts:
scaryclown · 26/12/2016 17:04

ok. if he doesn't have a wry grin on his face, he is mental. Ask him when he is goung to stop being mummy's baby and learn to drive, buy his own chairs etc becaise its embarrasong having a brother who is still a child

TwoLeftSocks · 26/12/2016 17:06

Sounds like you need some stock phrases:
You're sounding like a spoilt brat;
That's not thing to happen;
I've already got plans;
No.

OohhThatsMe · 26/12/2016 17:07

Oh for goodness sake, stand up to him, OP! Your family are creating a monster!

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 26/12/2016 17:20

I am standing up to him still sat in my chair and they're telling me I am ruining his Christmas and being very Scrooge like. He wants to compromise and "share the chair". Hmm I asked where I should sit while he's in the chair and his suggestion... Lay on the floor with the kids in my own home Angry.

OP posts:
scaryclown · 26/12/2016 17:24

is he five?

RaptorInaFestiveFez · 26/12/2016 17:30

YANBU

Do you still live with your parents? (guessing from your chair story)

That might explain why you're doing housework and he is being treated like the prodigal son (doesn't excuse it though).

Is it possible to move out? The sooner the better I'd say.

fc301 · 26/12/2016 22:54

Jeez Louise. Tell him to fuck off! What a cunt.

springydaffs · 26/12/2016 23:06

Yes, they've created a monster. He will be ruined for life, all relationships, unless something drastic happens pretty soon.

Is there a cultural thing going on here? ie some cultures made a big deal of the male gender.

This is serious stuff, op. yy the details very often look 'pathetic' but this is serious.

springydaffs · 26/12/2016 23:10

Quick google and found this

Also google 'males favoured in families'/'male bias in families', or some such?

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 26/12/2016 23:45

I need him to go home now, he's driving me mad.

I have mouthwash in the bathroom that he's been using without me knowing the past few days (with his horrible sneezing and sore throat). He said he assumed it was for communal use as it was in the bathroom he is using as a guest ShockHmm.

I am so annoyed. It's almost £6 a bottle and is obviously not for communal use. It's three quarters empty ffs.
He said anything I didn't want him to sue should have been removed from the bathroom. I own the house, it's my bathroom. Anything he wanted to use he should have brought with him.

Angry
OP posts:
springydaffs · 26/12/2016 23:51

You didn't answer any of the questions posters put to you, op.

Do you want to moan and moan to us but not do anything about it? If so we'd be enabling you if we support you.

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 26/12/2016 23:55

That's because they appeared retorical.
Someone said 'Is it because he's male??' and someone else asked if he was 5. The third said 'is it possible to move out? The sooner the better' but they seemed retorical to me!!Blush (And I have moved out!)

OP posts:
springydaffs · 27/12/2016 00:06

Some of the questions were rhetorical but not all eg I asked if there was a cultural element to it. I also posted a link which would shed light on the seriousness your situation. Did you have a look at it?

People are bothering to post, op. Don't lose sight of that. If you want posters to say oh that's terrible or poor you - but that's all you want then I won't be bothering to post. Many of us have been in very bad relational situations and understand how awful it can be. But we have to do some work to get out, not just complain.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/12/2016 00:14

What do you want to do about it?

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 27/12/2016 00:18

Yes I did, thank you. :)

No, no cultural element to it whatsoever.

I want to tell him to leave tomorrow but my family would never forgive me if I did that!!

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 27/12/2016 00:22

Was he the one who went to the cinema on Christmas Eve, then demanded a lift ? If so tell him to fuck off If your parents don't like it then they can fuck off as well Xmas Grin

redshoeblueshoe · 27/12/2016 00:23

x-post

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 27/12/2016 00:25

Yes that was him!

OP posts: