Family Dynamics?

[Supermagicsmile]

A few posters on my other thread encouraged me to post here, I hope that's okay as I didn't even know this board was here before now

I do feel bad posting this as I feel it's disrespectful to my family but here goes...

My DB (26) seems to be the golden boy who can do almost no wrong. My parents do seem to favor him (but don't realise they do as when I point things out they look baffled.)
Some examples:
-growing up, he was always allowed to sit in the front seat (and I always had to have the back seat. There was no turn taking, I was just always sent to the back seat so he could have the front one. When i tried to argue my point I was told off.)
-once I learnt to drive, I was expected to drive him/pick him up whenever he required (still happens to this day if family are together)
-if we are all together at family gatherings (they are all here for Christmas) asking him to do anything is met with refusal and shouting. I don't think it's much to ask him to empty a bin/help with dishwashing duties while he's here over Christmas but apparently I am being massively unreasonable as he is here to relax
-He doesn't drive, so mum will collect him at all hours of the day and night, even if it's a massive inconvenience to her - she lives about 20 mins in the opposite direction to him and then a further 10mins more in his direction to his workplace (including early hours after a party etc) as he doesn't like to pay taxis and never offers to pay petrol
-He works full time and rents his own flat, but they're always buying him food and his shopping as 'he doesn't have much money.' (They cannot really afford to do this)
-when we all met up the other week at their house, they kindly bought us all a takeaway. Brother ate his meal and was still hungry so mum offered him her meal and said she could just have toast (even though she had paid for it and would mean she would be going without any food.)
-I am expected to run around after him like some sort of Prince too and whenever I put my foot down, I get told I am unreasonable. There are lots of other examples of things but it seems silly to list them all.

When I write it down, none of it sounds that unreasonable and I will probably ask for this thread to be deleted as it makes me sound like a horrible person.

In which case you're giving them, and him, all the power. You are being a victim.

These look like hard words but they really are not. You have power to change this situation. You need to find out how to stop being a victim - even though you've been victimised by your family from the year dot, you still have the power to change this. There is a way out. It takes work, is a process, but you can do it. Your parents/family/brother don't have power over you even though they've led you to believe they do.

Start by doing some boundary work re take classes, read books. Your family have routinely trashed your boundaries and it'll take some work to find out what your boundaries are.

You can do it.

Thank you for the advice :) much appreciated.

I'd point out the infantilisation to him. E.g. "I'd be embarrassed if mum kept treating me like a 12 year old." "Giving you her meal and having toast instead? Does she think you are a toddler?" "You realise they are going to treat you like a kid until you start acting like an adult?"

It is just so blatent. There's a back handed compliment in there somewhere that they see you as competent but argh, I can see why you are annoyed.

Your house, your rules. Say no. Practice being okay with being called selfish (it's not true, but as he's used to being a pampered Prince, your reasonable behaviour looks it in comparison).

I can imagine that when you throw him out, it will be met with a request to drive him home/to the station/bus stop! In your position I would consider going NC. My brother-in-law is an embarrassing twat and we keep contact with him to an absolute minimum. He's not rude or unpleasant, just on a different wavelength to the rest of the family (and possibly the world) and being with him is such hard work. DW won't have anything to do with him, so when he contacts us it's always me who takes the phone call or answers his emails.

It's really upsetting that you could think you're being unreasonable. It's a catalogue of abusive favouritism. You poor thing. But it's them, not you.

Everyone has a their role to play in a relationship dynamic and if you don't like the role you're playing, change it. If your mother wants to treat a grown arse man like a child then that is her prerogative but it doesn't mean you have to.

Hand winging won't change your family, the only power they have is the power you've surrendered to them. The good news is, you can reclaim your power.

If you have your own home then just don't invite him anymore.

Do you live with your parents, or is this your own home?

If you live with your parents: make plans to move out. Write out here how that will happen, the timeline etc.

If it's your own home : don't invite him anymore. He and your parents can host family get-togethers.

Take can assertiveness course or but an assertiveness manual. Practice practice practice, even in small ways outside the family, such as sending back food in a restaurant, or requesting a specific loaf of bread at the bakery: the idea is to stately our needs rather than passively accepting what others dish out. At all times. You will find that it is not actually a confrontational thing to do.

And finally, find a therapist you like, to whom you can speak of these fucked up family dynamics. There is so much that you have accepted as normal for so long, and it will be healthy to shine a light on it and finally see it for what it is.

Good luck.

Now go sit in that chair to your heart's content.