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Original poster

What do I need to do to get a hug? Sob..

35 replies

user1473914879 · 23/12/2016 23:08

Together 12 years, married 7, DC 6 and 4.

Dh avoids all physical contact, not even eye contact.. he said that's just how he is, that our honeymoon period had long worn off..

I tried to touch his hand, using one finger, brushing his finger ever so lightly, he retracts and made a fist. My heart bleeds.

If I open my arms and hug him he does not enjoy it and hugs me as brief as he can.

We have sex about once every two months, he just pulls me over, out of blue, no kissing etc. Always DH initiates; I Never succeed in initiating sex, he just does not respond, at all.

I am 38, 5ft 6, 110lbs, I am no beauty queen but I am not ugly, I am quite pleasant. I feel like rubbish.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 23/12/2016 23:17

Soul destroying so sorry. You've tried talking. Have you suggested counselling? Do you want to stay in this marriage?

Fwiw I couldn't stay in a relationship with no kindness, affection or sex.

What do you want to do?

Original poster
user1473914879 · 23/12/2016 23:45

There is still some kindness, but perhaps only kindness.. DH is not a bad man, I quite like him, but I deserve to be better treated.

I have no birthday present, no anniversary celebration etc, the kids and I got him cake and candles on his birthday, I did it for the kids, he pulled that 'why do you all bother' face, showed little interest.

I want a happy marriage, DH is not leaving me, i don't think he ever will, he thinks this is who he is; he does not see why I am unhappy.

The lack of affection is killing me.

He thinks I read too many novels.

I am independent, I work and I pull the bins out every week. When he sees me struggling with the bins he'd say leave it I'll do it in the morning, and he forgets.

I cry a lot, the sight of couples holding hands , no one will hold my hand again, I am 38..

OP posts:
PaterPower · 23/12/2016 23:53

That's rough. When exW and I separated I went out (very much a rebound thing) with a very similar sounding person for about 6 months.

She didn't like to hold hands in public, wasn't a big hugger even in private and sex dried up pretty quickly. I hated how unloved I felt and I could never go back to that type of relationship.

But I was just dating her - you're married and you have the kids to consider. Would he consider some sort of sex / relationship counselling?

MrsMcMoo · 23/12/2016 23:57

I really don't think this is good enough. Did he used to be affectionate? Most men want sex a lot more than that. Is there something else going on? Is he depressed / stressed etc?

Gildedcage · 24/12/2016 00:11

I'm older than you and I would absolutely not be able to live like this. It would probably be less lonely being on your own. It's very hard lying in bed next to someone with whom you have no intimacy.

Sex is one thing ( which again I wouldn't be choosing to go without) but your describing a total lack of intimacy. It also feels from the tone of your op that you don't communicate well with each other.

No one can tell you what to do but do you really want to live like this for another 30/40 year's? It is likely to only get worse in reality.

Justaboy · 24/12/2016 00:14

What a sad miserable situation, seems to me you'd be better off splitting and trying to find happiness elsewhere.

Here's a hug at least anyway

jeaux90 · 24/12/2016 00:18

User I think suggesting counselling will show him how bad it's got. Do you think it could help?

If he refuses to go then it shows you he is not prepared to invest in the marriage anymore then you have to decide whether you can live like this.

You deserve more.

Big hug, bloody awful xx

Original poster
user1473914879 · 24/12/2016 00:19

He used to be affectionate, when we were dating; but it all dried up, I keep telling myself marriage won't be as lovey dovey as dating and put up with it, now I am at the end of my tether..

I shouted at him once, sobbing, that he had not been nice to me, he thought I was utterly unreasonable, went to the kitchen and did the dishes, he thought that was what I was on about.

How do I tell him that I need affection, in a way that he will understand?

When he proposed I asked him to promise me a hug every day, he went yeah yeah, now I remind him, he just shrugged and said how could something as trivial as a hug be that important? We had a leaky roof the other day, he climbed up the roof, carrying a heavy load, at night, in freezing rain, to put water proof sheets on the roof, he thought that was being nice to me, i.e. Did something nice for me.

He had a healthy collection of adult video that he downloaded, and there is no other woman.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 24/12/2016 00:23

He had a healthy collection of adult video that he downloaded, and there is no other woman That you know yet of.

Original poster
user1473914879 · 24/12/2016 00:29

Well let's just say I can rule that one out, being this unhappy for this long I have searched high and low for a reason.

His mum is a cold person, not affectionate at all, I think he got that from MIL, having not experienced affection from his mother growing up.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 24/12/2016 00:30

Ok but what do you want to do? Do you want to tell him your marriage is failing because you are no longer bonded and you need to do something about it?

Everstrong · 24/12/2016 00:31

OP you deserve better than this.

I am 31 and have been married for 3 years now. There is no physical relationship between myself and my husband and we are in the process of separating.

In our situation it's me that created the lack of physical closeness. At first it was related to antidepressants I was taking for PND and then it just carried on from there. I have to be honest and say I just don't fancy him anymore.

It hurts both of us, DH deserves better- he deserves to have a physical relationship and I deserve to find someone I am attracted too. For as hard as splitting is, I feel I have a duty to model a health relationship for our DD- and that involves physical closeness.

Remember you deserve to be happy, whatever you decide I hope it is the right thing for you.

NotTheFordType · 24/12/2016 00:34

*How do I tell him that I need affection, in a way that he will understand? When he proposed I asked him to promise me a hug every day, he went yeah yeah, now I remind him, he just shrugged and said how could something as trivial as a hug be that important?^

How about "I need sex" ?

This man is not going to fulfill your needs, let him find someone who also doesn't want sex.

Original poster
user1473914879 · 24/12/2016 00:38

Yes, I have been trying to tell him that I am unhappy, but he never gets what I am saying.

I said (sob) you need to be nice to me, he will peel himself off from his computer and does some house work for me, very reluctantly, swearing under his breath.

I sob some more: no I don't mean housework, hug me, he then pulls that WTF face and turn away point blank.

Do I need to say I am leaving you to get a hug? How does this work

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 24/12/2016 00:44

No you could tell him your marriage is failing because of it though. You can't stay bonded without the affection and intimacy.

And honestly it doesn't even sound like you are good friends.

What do you want to say to him?

Belleblush · 24/12/2016 00:53

Is he depressed? His reaction to his birthday candles make me think so. Either that or I'd suspect another woman. Sorry xxx

Original poster
user1473914879 · 24/12/2016 00:59

I want to tell him and I having been trying to say: he should be more affectionate to me, I deserve more affection.

But I don't think he gets what I am saying.

we have two boys, they need loving parents, the boys are 6 and 4 and they are noticeably happy when I hug DH playfully, I do that just for the boys, putting on a show.

I want a loving relationship, for my sanity and the children's well being.

The thought of kicking him out pains me, I still love him, he prob does not fancy me.

OP posts:
DoosyFartlek · 24/12/2016 01:00

Could he have HFA? Just a thought?

You need couples therapy to work through the issues as a last chance

ThirdThoughts · 24/12/2016 01:02

I think you need to be more specific than 'be nice to me' because obviously, he doesn't interpret this the way you do. I'm not an expert on love languages but it sounds quite clear that you need intimate affection and he mainly operates in 'acts of service'.

A frank conversation that you feel like he doesn't love you because he doesn't seem to enjoy physical contact with you. That you want physical affection in your relationship and miss the hugs and sex.

I realise you feel sad. But communicating more clearly 'I feel sad and rejected when you pull away from hugs' rather than being vague and sobbing might help you get to the bottom of this. Ask him outright about his preferences for physical contact too - are there things he doesn't enjoy? Things he prefers.

Your needs may not be compatible but at least you would know and can make moves to being happy separately.

Whisky2014 · 24/12/2016 10:28

What life is this for you? Leave him

m17362772 · 24/12/2016 10:44

His mother is cold - well that's your answer to why he is too.

I don't think he will change but I would give him a chance by telling him how unhappy you are and if things don't improve then you will be leaving him.

Marriages are not all lovey dovey but what you describe is at the extreme end of the spectrum.

Only you can break the cycle of coldness

rumred · 24/12/2016 11:55

Yuck how horrible. He sounds like a selfish self absorbed pratt. Poor you and poor children.
Perhaps you need to think long and hard about what the point of this relationship is. He 'helps' with housework??? Watches lots of porn and is unkind to you - gifts and kindness aren't physically trying. He's choosing to mistreat you

Shayelle · 24/12/2016 11:58

Sounds fucking awful. You would be 100% minimum happier without this prevailing misery in your life it seems. Flowers

Merriment · 24/12/2016 12:01

Go find someone you can have a proper relationship with. That sounds utterly soul destroying Sad

TheStoic · 24/12/2016 12:14

Do you want to be married to a man who doesn't love you, OP? Because you are.

How much longer do you think you can accept this treatment?

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