What do I need to do to get a hug? Sob..

[user1473914879]

Together 12 years, married 7, DC 6 and 4.

Dh avoids all physical contact, not even eye contact.. he said that's just how he is, that our honeymoon period had long worn off..

I tried to touch his hand, using one finger, brushing his finger ever so lightly, he retracts and made a fist. My heart bleeds.

If I open my arms and hug him he does not enjoy it and hugs me as brief as he can.

We have sex about once every two months, he just pulls me over, out of blue, no kissing etc. Always DH initiates; I Never succeed in initiating sex, he just does not respond, at all.

I am 38, 5ft 6, 110lbs, I am no beauty queen but I am not ugly, I am quite pleasant. I feel like rubbish.

Er... when you have to ask someone for a hug, it is over. I remember I once asked my H for a hug when our marriage was nearly over. I look back at that and realise that was one of the moments that signalled it was over.

It is humiliating to have to ask someone to be nice to you. You should never have to ask that. Sounds awful and you and the kids would be happier without this joy-destroyer in your home.

I'm not being sarcastic, OP but celibate priests get more hugs than you. This is ridiculous.

I was going to say OP, brace yourself for the armchair diagnosis of Aspergers but I see it has already appeared.

Well my DH is pretty much the same and has been just diagnosed with Aspergers. I'm not making any "armchair diagnosis" of your DH because I know how much there is to it.

However, I also know EXACTLY how you feel. And I'll come and give you a massive, massive hug! But I know that's not what you need.

You have three main options. First is to try and find the root cause in the hope that things will change, but knowing that if he isn't interested in finding out what's going on, then you are unlikely to ever know exactly. Second is to tell him you've had enough, that you want changes (and list exactly what they are, nothing vague like "improvements") and a timeframe. During that time you need to be prepared that he's going to do nothing (perhaps because he can't, rather than because you're not good enough in any way) and in turn prepare for actually leaving. Make sure your accounts are in order, speak to a lawyer if necessary, etc. And stick to your word, because this is like slow death. Thirdly, do nothing.

In all cases I'd advise not discussing it with friends, but getting a counsellor, because it's so hard. I also suggest carving time (and money - you NEED this) to get massages if you like them or facials or something where you can relax and someone touches you (not suggesting anything sexual). This is not a solution, it's just like a little paracetamol when you've a bad headache - takes the edge off for a little while.

There are some people who, when you say, "promise me we will hug every day", agree to it then get a kick from withholding the very thing you expressly said you need most. It's a game for them, they do it for the power and control they have over you and indicates an abusive relationship. The neglect is definitely abusive. If he is no longer interested in you a decent, reasonable person would end it to set you both free to find someone else who actually cares for you. As it is, he is keeping you in reserve. I'm sorry to say I think the chances of an OW are high. The level of cunning and deceit involved in concealing extra marital affairs can be breathtaking.
He sounds to have no or low emotion, viewing your relationship as a formula. You say x (I'm not happy), he does y (washes the dishes) = stay married. He hasn't actually listened to you.
I'm sorry you are miserable and I'm sorry you for you and your DC I don't think things will improve long term. You are plenty young enough at 38 to start over.

Consider Aspergers, consider personality disorder. Either way, when you are this unhappy it's irrelevant.
You are even more lonely than a single person because you aren't free to explore new opportunities.

OP this is heartbreaking, and certainly isn't normal. Does he have ASD or a history of abuse?
My DP has a low sex drive and we don't make love more than once in a month or sometimes two months. But we're very affection, kissy and cuddly. I know he loves me. What you describe is truly soul destroying.
But just saying 'you need to be nice to me' doesn't really give much away. Ask him why there is no physical affection. Kisses and cuddles are necessary, much more than sex. Without sex there can be affection but without affection there is no relationship at all.

Your DH has a fear of intimacy. He doesn't need physical closeness or emotional connection in order to function. He doesn't need it and he can't understand why you need it so much - it's just not in his comprehension. He needs therapy. You then need couple counselling for your marriage to survive.

Easier said than done to "go and get another relationship" as who's to say the same thing wouldn't happen again in a few year's time? What happens to the DCs? Also, family finances take a battering (unless you're minted).

Sounds like the OP and DH need to sit down and straighten things out.

Is DH bored? (sounds like it). Try to get to the bottom of why that is. Many folk lose interest in the same partner after many years together (can be understandable).

Good luck!

Cheers.

As you have discovered, affection and physical closeness have dwindled away over the years. A fear of intimacy eventually extends to a person's sexuality and this has already started in his case. In a few years he won't want sex at all. You will then be in a loveless/sexless marriage in your forties. I'm sorry OP, I know what I'm talking about because I've been through it. It is soul destroying. If you want your marriage to survive you need therapy for him and couple counselling. Otherwise get out now.