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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why aren't I good enough??

31 replies

casualbikeride · 19/12/2016 17:55

Background - Been on and off with A all year. We started a casual thing 6 months ago after splitting up.

I asked him last week for more. He doesn't want more. But, he has updated his online dating profile today!!!

What is wrong with me? We have a laugh, get on well and the sex is great...

The only thing I can really think of is that I have a child. That just makes me sad. What else could it be??

OP posts:

Adora10 · 19/12/2016 17:59

Absolutely nothing to do with having a child I'd say, A for arsehole? Your answer's in your own post.

Instead of asking yourself what is wrong with you, accept he's not the one clearly and find someone who is.

Time to walk away and salvage that self respect.

magoria · 19/12/2016 18:02

The only thing wrong with you is that you are hanging around letting him use you when he has made it clear that all he wants from you is casual.

There is nothing wrong with that as long as he is clear and not misleading you.

If you want more you need to knock him on the head and look for a guy willing to offer more.

Original poster

casualbikeride · 19/12/2016 18:08

I haven't text him since he said he didn't want more. I know I have to walk away but it's hard. I have his stuff but he can ask for it back, I'm not texting him again. I just can't work out why I'm not good enough for him :(

OP posts:

Badgerbird · 19/12/2016 18:10

Ever considered maybe he's not good enough for you!!!?

Original poster

casualbikeride · 19/12/2016 18:12

He is the nicest man I've ever met, I honestly mean that. It's such a strange situation. i will walk away but I'll be left wondering.

OP posts:

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 19/12/2016 18:15

Kick him into touch. IF and its a big IF, you stand any chance of more, withdrawing and being unavailable is a win win.

HotNatured · 19/12/2016 18:18

Nothing to do with not being 'good enough' and everything to do with being 'not right' for him, even though you think you are, he doesn't feel the same. Time to move on and meet someone who you are 'right' for

Well done for walking away and not contacting him.

And remember this, the secret to happiness is accepting things how they are, not how you think they should be.

Good luck

forumdonkey · 19/12/2016 18:18

What about your DC too? If your DC is really the reason, would you want to be with someone who doesn't want them?

Original poster

casualbikeride · 19/12/2016 18:20

When we broke up earlier in the year I regrettably tried to make it work and he didn't want to. This time I'm doing nothing, im not going to let him know im upset. It is bloody hard not knowing what's wrong with me though. He obviously wants more but just not with me. It's a real head f£@k.

OP posts:

user1481838270 · 19/12/2016 18:25

I think you just need to accept that you are both at different stages in life.

You want a committed relationship. A doesn't want to be tied down by committment and wants the freedom to play the field.

Hermonie2016 · 19/12/2016 18:40

You are ok and it's really important you know that.
Maybe you are at different stages in life.I would let him go, physically and mentally and that will allow space for someone else to come into your life.

Thesaying holds true, some people are in your life for a reason or season.

Have you learnt anything about yourself or your needs from this relationship?

Accept that this was a relationship in which you needed to learn something and can now move on, being stronger and wiser.

TimidLividyetagain · 19/12/2016 18:46

I had that happen before. I was perfect except I had children already. He wanted a childless woman. And six months later he found one. And it's all happening romance for him and her and she very much like me but childless. But once it sank in I ended things , it's like a non relationship relationship. U know ur in one. But it's not called a relationship and once they end it hook up u can't get annoyed as u weren't in a relationship. Don't settle for that

Original poster

casualbikeride · 19/12/2016 18:54

I do need to let him go. I never really got over him before and he initiated the contact after that. It's just hard when you don't have an actual reason.

OP posts:

Dozer · 19/12/2016 18:56

Him not being that into you and not offering the kind of relationship you'd like isn't sufficient reason?

Original poster

casualbikeride · 19/12/2016 18:59

Good point Dozer!

OP posts:

TimidLividyetagain · 19/12/2016 19:01

Yes I find it confusing. I think with mine he just really liked the texting and company and other parts of having a relationship but was waiting for his ideal childless woman.and he initially tried to Mess her around but she had clear no nonsense ideass. So I think childless and takes no shit. But really I feel for her. He's not faithful and has issues I was happy to over look while in the infatuation stage. I realised I haven't got proper boundaries and would not It accept it now. If u cut him out of your life eventually it will get easier

FatherNoelFurlong · 19/12/2016 19:05

Been in your shoes. I had also started to feel inadequate and to ask myself ''why not me?'' and what's wrong with me. So as hard as it was, I walked away from him, last April. He hadn't wanted a relationship but we were very close. By telling me we were friends he felt free to ignore all of the normal boundaries between a relationship and a friendship. Torture for me.

There might be something in the fact that you have a child. My friend had no dc and I did and he was 3 years younger than I am so if he was going to bother he wanted the blank canvas ykwim. His prerogative but he had no right to mess with my head. AS that saying goes, he was neither in my life nor out of it but he stood at the door blockign the traffic.

I missed him but I felt better after I told him I was removing myself from whatever dynamic we had.

\ \i think the americans have a word for it, door stopping. Or something like that.

FatherNoelFurlong · 19/12/2016 19:11

casual you'll feel better afterwards, honestly. You can miss him a bit for a while and yet still feel more in control.

Mine was the same, texted me all the time and was very talkative and liked to have somebody to share stuff with, it felt like he was a natural to having a relationship. he wanted one but wouldn't own it. He used me not for sex, he used me for a relationship. That's how I felt.

Now that it's 8 months ago or thereabouts I just think 'how could he?', how could he do that to somebody he claimed to care for (as a friend )

I would never do that to a man. I would never use a man for a relationship. He claimed to have read The Female Eunach and he claimed to understand women. Absolute nonsense.

TheNaze73 · 19/12/2016 19:14

Your trying to put a square peg, in s round hole.

He's not for you, move on

FatherNoelFurlong · 19/12/2016 19:44

Why do men do this TheNaze?

I feel literally suffocated and stifled if I'm aware that somebody I'm with feels more strongly for me than I do for them. Perhaps that's a bit of a dysfunction in itself but i can't understand how my old 'friend' was comfortable with it. Apart from what he was doing to me, he seemed like a lovely person. Very gentle and considerate and apart from the fact that he was destroying my self esteem, very good to me
So glad I walked away. The only time he was ever unkind or cold to me was when I walked away, so he didn't 'get' it! I thought I should just offer myself up to be used for a relationship indefinitely!?

SandyY2K · 19/12/2016 19:50

It's just not meant to be.

Original poster

casualbikeride · 19/12/2016 21:10

Thanks all, I will wait for him to contact me and will end it then. I think if I control it this time I will feel better for it. I wish I could be like him and not give a shit!

OP posts:

justdontevenfuckingstart · 19/12/2016 21:13

He won't text you, he's ended it already. You just need to realise this.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2016 21:18

I think you can like someone and have fun and good sex with them, but not be in love or feel there is a future. It's not a negative about either party. It doesn't mean you're not good enough, nor does it mean he is a bad person, it just means you're more into him than he is in to you.

I get that's hard to accept, so sometimes it's like we must find s reason that's not about us as individuals, i.e. Oh it must be the kid, but sometimes it's a lot simpler. One party feels more for the other.

Joysmum · 19/12/2016 21:25

I agree with many of the others.

I've had numerous relationships before DH with lovely men but I wasn't the one for them and they ended it when I never would have. When I got together with DH I realised they weren't the one for me either, I just didn't realise it at the time.

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