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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why aren't I good enough??

31 replies

casualbikeride · 19/12/2016 17:55

Background - Been on and off with A all year. We started a casual thing 6 months ago after splitting up.

I asked him last week for more. He doesn't want more. But, he has updated his online dating profile today!!!

What is wrong with me? We have a laugh, get on well and the sex is great...

The only thing I can really think of is that I have a child. That just makes me sad. What else could it be??

OP posts:
boypants · 19/12/2016 22:29

Have a look at some of Mathew husseys videos on YouTube

FatherNoelFurlong · 19/12/2016 22:30

The best way is to meet more people. I used to get invested in to men if the date (s) had gone well. I suppose it's just a thicker skin now but I've met 12 men this year. I'd break that down to one short doomed relationship with a man who love bombed me to start with then dumped me so quickly he got whiplash. Another one I would have LOVED if he'd wanted a second date, in fact it was arranged and then he cancelled it because he'd met somebody (ie, not me!) and then the other ten were some where between no way, not really and maybeeee

But I've forgotten all about the one 'friend' (who I met 2015)

FatherNoelFurlong · 19/12/2016 22:37

I think it does get harder to 'show up' and be present on a date though. The more times you think a date went well and they don't want to follow it up, it does become harder to actually give a fuck.

Tigertamer · 19/12/2016 23:23

I'm going through something similar. Have to keep telling myself there's nothing wrong with me, we just don't want the same thing. Somebody else will though! I have 3 young dc so it is a challenge to even get a date. The guy who I had the nsa relationship with also has kids which definitely made it easier. In future I'd prefer to date men with kids of their own.

Keithreefteeth · 19/12/2016 23:43

He wants an apple, you are an orange. Thats all.

SantaClausMortificado · 20/12/2016 00:02

What I think is interesting about this kind of question is WHY is it that when you are the rejected person you see it as "What's wrong with me?" and everyone tells you "nothing is wong with you".

But when you are mentally rejecting men yourself (at least in my case) there definitely is something identifiable "wrong" with them. It can be anything depending on your own personal tastes - too short, too tall, too thin, too fat, a smoker, not educated enough, too stupid, not funny, different sense of humour, bald, too many divorces, class, hair colour etc etc.

Wrong in this sense just means "something present that doesn't do it for me" or "something absent that really does do it for me and is important".

In some cases, I do think it is possible to move from the rejected/not serious interested category into the accepted/now seriously interested - depending on the reasons.

The most common movement I've seen in this category it is the man suddenly becoming interested in two situations (1) he has aged and is more ready to settle down/realises his appeal is waning and he will hook up seriously with a woman he previously wasn't interested in because it now suits him and (2) where the woman has improved how she looks physically - usually lost weight and toned up.

I've also seen it but less common with women becoming interesting in previously "not good enough" men. This category is usually where the man has serious career success and becomes very wealthy. One case I can think of where a man improved his physical appearance.

So to answer your question nothing is "wrong" with you, other than for some reason you don't fit his picture of what he wants for a serious relationship. You are not a "snap" with his mental image. This could be for a million reasons. He may have a strong physical preference for blondes/brunettes/red heads; he may as you suspect want a woman without children; he may not be seriously interested in anyone; he may want a woman with more money. You could torture yourself like this forever.

Fact is you are more into him than he is into you. He matches your picture more than you match his. Unless the base "wrong" reasons are changeable (which they rarely are) cut your losses.

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