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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn't the real deal ?

31 replies

Mumsnobest1 · 19/12/2016 17:10

I have a boyfriend. We've been together nearly two years ,Yet to be introduced to his children.

last year we spent Boxing Day together as we work together in the restaurant trade. We were at work on xmas day and his ex had the children over Christmas, he saw them before work xmas day.

This year they are all spending Boxing Day at his mothers.
He spends an afternoon every fortnight with them all every fortnight, either going out or staying at hers, doing things with the children.

I feel like perhaps this is going nowhere ? And they still have feelings for one another.

OP posts:
Angleshades · 19/12/2016 17:14

Have you asked him if he has plans to introduce you to the children at any point? Do you want to meet them?

Original poster
Mumsnobest1 · 19/12/2016 17:16

I have a child too.
He has only met her in passing not in a formal way or introductory way.
He doesn't want anymore children etc - and says he doesn't want to mix his life with them at the moment.

OP posts:
Hissy · 19/12/2016 17:20

Have you met his mother? In all this almost 2 year relationship?

I don't think he's that into it, is he?

TempusEedjit · 19/12/2016 17:20

Does the children's mother know about you? After nearly two years either he's hiding something, he hasn't separated emotionally from his ex, and/or he sees no future in your relationship. Sorry but you need to cut yourself loose from him, he's leading you on.

YesLordSugar · 19/12/2016 17:22

It could be that he is just being a fantastic dad, putting their needs first. Are they still very young? He might be waiting until they understand a bit more before bringing you into their lives. What makes you think he has feelings for his ex?

Hissy · 19/12/2016 17:22

Tbh tho, he only seems to spend scant time with his flesh and blood, so don't take it too personally.

Why won't he be having his kids overnight at his etc?

HandyWoman · 19/12/2016 17:46

One afternoon every fortnight. Mm yep LordSugar he's clearly Dad of the year.. not.

Would find it difficult to respect a man who had that level of contact unless there were insurmountable logistics involved.

Feelings for his ex?

Both these aren't great. What does your gut tell you about this man OP?

Original poster
Mumsnobest1 · 19/12/2016 18:44

He spends the afternoon / day with them all then keeps them for the rest of the weekend. Hell then stay for an hour or two after dropping them off to hers in the evening.

My gut is telling me something is amiss.

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 19/12/2016 18:51

Ah ok so it's more than 1 afternoon EOW

So it depends what you want from him. Some women are not interested in meeting the other's kids and want to keep things separate. It wouldn't be for me.

If your gut says something's amiss you should listen to it.

Have you had big discussions before? Have you raised this issue before?

He either just likes it like this or is not interested in progressing things.

Why do you think he has feelings for his ex?

Original poster
Mumsnobest1 · 19/12/2016 19:09

Because they spend so much time together every fortnight - playing families.

Knowing him from before / when they were together. He didn't do any of that.

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 19/12/2016 19:27

Maybe they just get on much much better as co-parents?

TheNaze73 · 19/12/2016 19:34

I'm not seeing anything wrong here. 2 years is no time at all to be rushing in.
I think Handy has hit the nail on the head.
Of course, if this bothers you, get out but, I'm struggling to see a problem

SandyY2K · 19/12/2016 19:43

Are you concerned that once EOF they all (him, his Ex and the kids), spend time together as a family? I think that's what you're saying.

It's probably to coparent well and help the kids through everything.

As long as you are known as his GF, to friends and family and arent hidden away, then bide your time.

Perhaps he's waiting to see if it becomes more serious (as in you two becoming life partners) before introducing you to his children, otherwise it will only destabilise them.

Original poster
Mumsnobest1 · 19/12/2016 19:51

i was the other woman - I know that I will be flamed but does that put another spin on it.
We were co workers - I've only met his mum a few times and never for long periods of time etc.

OP posts:
HappyJanuary · 19/12/2016 21:21

Did he choose to come to you, or did it happen because she threw him out?

cbigs · 19/12/2016 21:27

I think two years is ridiculous to not meet someone's kids (if that's the long term plan ) if it's a casual keep things separate then I guess it doesn't matter if you never meet them. Don't think it's his relationship with his ex that's the problem it's his relationship with you maybe? Do you both want the same?

Original poster
Mumsnobest1 · 19/12/2016 21:35

He very much left her for me.
She was understandably hurt and wanted him back for a long time. I'm not casting shade at what I did k know it was wrong I'm just trying to offer an insight.

OP posts:
AhYerWill · 19/12/2016 21:40

It doesn't sound like he's going to integrate you any further into his life at the moment - possibly to protect his ex's feelings. Either way, if the current setup is making you unhappy you need to address it with him, and be prepared to split if he doesnt agree to progress your relationship.

AngryVagina · 19/12/2016 21:47

It does sound like he wants to keep you totally desperate from them in a way that a new GF wouldn't have necessarily been kept away, as there's already a history there with bad blood between his ex and you. Which is understandable, I don't imagine she's keen on the idea of you meeting them. Maybe it's under those conditions that they manage to co-parent so effectively.

You don't say how old the children are? May they not want to meet you and know some of the history?

Original poster
Mumsnobest1 · 19/12/2016 21:55

They are young children. Under 8.

I just feel like they spend a lot of time together, time that is meant for him and the children and she is always a part of it. Having nice lunches, shopping or just general day trips.
I just wonder if he wants her back.

OP posts:
Boolovessulley · 19/12/2016 21:58

I think it's strange that you haven't met them, unless they have said they don't want to meet you.

PatriciaHolm · 19/12/2016 22:22

I think he may well be having second thoughts.

The excitement of an OW is very different to the mundanity of every day combined with the difficulties of dealing with small, upset children post divorce.

SandyY2K · 19/12/2016 22:29

It does make a big difference that you were the OW.

I take it his family aren't overly keen on you then?

I'm not going to flame you, but your feelings of insecurity are because you know the level of deceit he is capable of. You saw him lie to her for weeks /months/years, so you know he would have no problem lying to you.

His wife won't want the kids to meet you and unless he sees you as a life partner, he won't involve you in their lives. Because in reality, she actually can't stop him introducing the kids to you, so it's more likely that he doesn't want you to meet them, either because he's continuing to compartmentalize or that you aren't forever.

Do you live together?
Does he always see the kids at her house?

When he left her for you, or when you were in the affair, was there ever any discussion about the children? And you being in their lives?
Any discussion of marriage?

Were they married? Have they divorced? The answer here could be very enlightening.

Original poster
Mumsnobest1 · 19/12/2016 22:43

They weren't married had no joint assets etc.
They split. She has set up home and he has his home.
The dynamics of their relationship has changed over the year - last year he was less entwined and whilst I'm really happy he is making more effort with the children - I do feel put out and put off by the fact that she is so often involved in things.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 19/12/2016 22:52

I think you need to trust your gut instinct.How else does he behave with you? Secrecy with his phone?

How long did the affair go on?

I think you should cut him free, you will then know if he wants to be with you.He may not know what he wants but are you happy for him to decide and for you to wait ?