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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've lost the love of my life.

30 replies

Christmasheartache · 15/12/2016 22:12

Thats it.
Won't have me back.
We had a rough time (it's was a really bad year for me, a lot of loss) and I went a bit off the deep end.
We just couldn't weather through it, various issues. I wanted to try again. New year. New circumstances.

They won't even entertain the idea.

I'm utterly heartbroken. Never felt like this in my life. I feel lost. I've lost weight. I can't sleep. I just cry.

It's the most horrible feeling in the world :(

OP posts:
Aedh · 15/12/2016 22:17

I'm so sorry you are hurting like this.
Time will help but heartbreak is shit.

ALaughAMinute · 15/12/2016 22:18

So sorry to hear this OP.

Just remember that the pain you are feeling won't last forever. This too will pass. Do you have family and friends you can talk to?

Flowers
Original poster
Christmasheartache · 15/12/2016 22:22

I just don't understand how we went from everything to nothing.

I know it was rough but to not want to even try? Not take a chance when we planned our whole lives together.

It's so hurtful :(

I have support yes. But I'm finding it hard to break contact when the word friendship is being said all the time but I just keep begging for a relationship again :(

OP posts:
Splishing · 15/12/2016 22:36

I totally understand where you are coming from OP. I too was in the position of going from everything to nothing. My STBXH didn't want to try to save us. It all went to shit in a matter of weeks. It's now 7 months later for me. It will get easier but it will be horrible to begin with. The bad times will become less frequent and not last as long. But you need to go through the ups and downs. It's all part of the process unfortunately. I too lost weight. I couldn't sleep for weeks (ended getting some help there). I am now much better at sleeping but there are some nights I still struggle.
You will eventually get to the stage of it not being the first thing you think about when you wake up. Just don't beat yourself up when you hit another rough patch. I still have them (today being one of them, don't know how many times I've cried today!) but I know having got it all out of me I will get up tomorrow feeling better for letting it all out. But it has taken me months to get to that stage. Just take one day at a time. Don't expect too much too quickly. And definitely talk and rant(!) to friends. Don't know I would be if I couldn't do that.

ALaughAMinute · 15/12/2016 22:37

Don't beg him to have you back. Keep you dignity and hold your head high.
Talk to family and friends, you will get through this.

In six moths or a years time you might be the happiest you've ever been. Life does not stand still.

yestocarrots · 15/12/2016 22:42

You're not alone in this. I am going through something similar. Huge hugs to you and just keep putting one foot in front of the other it's all you can do x

Lapinlapin · 15/12/2016 22:43

I sorry you feel like this. I've been in the position of feeling heartbroken over a relationship. I look back though and am so glad things worked out as they did. Little comfort to you now, I'm sure, but you will feel better again.

So your dp is not the one for you. It's hard I know, but I honestly think it's best to cut all contact. A bit like ripping off a plaster in one go rather than doing it but by bit.

Don't prolong the agony. In my (admittedly very limited) experience, the dumper suggests 'friendship' as a way of softening the blow, and the dumpee clings to it, hoping to rekindle the relationship. So if you think your dp means it, and that he/she does not want to continue the relationship, then you have to let go.

tiej · 15/12/2016 22:49

Are you a man OP? What is going a bit off the deep end?

EekAmIBonkers · 15/12/2016 22:51

That's very sad, and painful.

I second the advice to go no contact and not try the "friendship" route. I have been on both sides of that - wanting an ex who was still hoping, to be a friend, and then karma came along a few years later and showed me what a barren and cruel situation that actually is when the shoe is on the other foot.

You have stated your position and done your best. Now you have to think about what is right for you, and that may include many things; permission to grieve, alone time, time with friends, letting your hair down or hibernating - the only thing that absolutely will not help, is contact.

Baggage Reclaim is a good site to boost your resolve.

Good luck.

Original poster
Christmasheartache · 15/12/2016 22:51

I'm not a man, no.
Going off the deep end is suffering from depression and anxiety.

I started new meds 3 weeks ago and already feel better. But it's just too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmasheartache · 15/12/2016 22:53

I guess I just keep hoping that if I give some time then things will be different.

I guess that's a common thing.

I should cut contact. It's so hard. We were very best friends

OP posts:
Reddingtonsmoll · 15/12/2016 23:02

How long were you together? It's so hard to lose someone who you feel very close to. Time is the only healer I'm afraid.

Pallisers · 15/12/2016 23:09

it sucks and is painful and you will hurt. Sorry you have to go through this. There are very few people who haven't had their hearts broken at some point - some more painful than others.

But there is no such thing as love of your life - really there isn't. I think I am a fair bit older than you and I now read books that used to make me so sad for the people who had lost their "one true love" - L Shaped Room/Gone With The Wind etc and instead of being all sad about the loss of "love of their life" now I just think "plenty more fish in the sea". I say this as someone happily married for 25 years.

Honestly if the relationship took so much effort, you could do better.

Mind yourself. And yes, I think you should cut contact. Death by a thousand cuts is horrible.

vonny81 · 15/12/2016 23:29

One thing I've noticed with my post, carrots post and your post. We are all in pieces heartbroken and these men absolutely do not give a flying fuck. Are they sat in the house crying right now!? No. They will be off with their mates enjoying the freedom after being trapped with such horrible people like us!
Fuck em! Just don't let me hear Mariah Carey, all I want for Xmas.... Or I might cry ha

HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2016 23:53

Ah, it's hard. We've all been there.

  1. He/she was a love of your life not the love of your life. I know it seems unlikely now but there will be others in the future.
  1. Non contact helps you to heal more quickly. Pretending to be friends and keep seeing him/her just prolongs the agony.
TheNaze73 · 16/12/2016 07:32

You can't see the wood for the trees at the moment OP, which is understandable however, there have been some brilliant points made in this thread.

No ex is worth begging for

Tenshidarkangel · 16/12/2016 11:11

*1. He/she was a love of your life not the love of your life. I know it seems unlikely now but there will be others in the future.

  1. Non contact helps you to heal more quickly. Pretending to be friends and keep seeing him/her just prolongs the agony.*

This!

OneWingedAngel · 16/12/2016 11:20

Are you me? Going through similar. Lost my husband last year and leapt into a relationship too soon after. Loved him really did but he was not good for me nor I for him. We tried and tried but eventually it all fell apart.

I am heart broken. Utterly utterly heart broken. Not slept or eaten for a week. It's all I think about. I went no contact last week when I found out he was already seeking other company a couple of days after we split - which he is perfectly entitled but hurt like hell. It hurts so so much. I am desperate to contact him or hear from him but I am resolved to have things end fully between us now. They have to. I cannot bear this again.

It's a horrible awful physical pain isn't it. But it WILL end. It's cliche but it really is about taking one day at a time. I hope you and everyone else suffering this heart ache feel better soon.

I've taken hibernation route. Lots of time in bed and allowing myself to cry. I read a comment on another thread that's really stuck with me and the advice was to let yourself feel the pain, it won't kill you. Let it take you and pass over you. Good luck.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 16/12/2016 11:31

We are all in pieces heartbroken and these men absolutely do not give a flying fuck.

That's a horrible and sexist thing to say and you don't know it's true. For all you know, the OP's partner is devastated but simply couldn't cope any more - living with someone who suffers depression/anxiety and 'goes off the deep end' can be horrendously hard. I doubt it was an easy decision for him or that he doesn't give a fuck. He is probably as heartbroken as she is.

vonny81 · 16/12/2016 13:25

I don't think it's horrible or sexist, going on posts from myself and other ladies who have commented it is us women here, while telling our story and the men are clearly not bothered or they wouldn't have behaved in the ways that they have

JeepersMcoy · 16/12/2016 13:31

Apart from the op had at no point said the love of her life was a man...

LadyJaneMortificado · 16/12/2016 13:43

There is a reason that women are stereotyped as being more emotional where sex is involved. A stereotype usually only becomes a stereotype because it's true!!

As with all things there are exceptions, but women are biologically designed to bond after sex. Men find it easier to shag and run as it were.

The biological clock issue also means women tend to invest more and hope for more in respect of serious/developing relationships - whereas if it doesn't work out for a man he's got forever to find a new partner.

All of these factors mean that very often a woman will be devastated and a man won't really be that fussed after a break up. There will be exceptions of course but doesn't mean a generalisation isn't fair.

vonny81 · 16/12/2016 14:12

Ahh good point! Sorry my very bad! I do apologise

Original poster
Christmasheartache · 16/12/2016 14:22

My partner was a woman.

I'm just trying to get through each day tbh.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 16/12/2016 15:02

LadyJane you are about 20 years out of date with that lot, sorry.