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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Talking to an ex is not a good idea, right?

28 replies

NeonPinkNails · 15/12/2016 22:04

Long story short, with DH for 20 years, married for 15. Happy enough if not exactly setting the world on fire, much as you are after that long. Only other long term relationship for me was for 4 years when I was late teens/early 20s.

So guess who pops up on Facebook the other day? (Other long term ex in case you weren't sure). Ended up messaging back and forth for most of the day, sharing memories and old photos. He says he's not looking for anything more (although he's in the process of splitting from his wife) and I'm definitely not.

But...it was so nice to talk, to remember a time when I was young and thin and cool (ish) and to hear someone say nice things about me - nothing he shouldn't have, just how much he thought of me.

We ended the conversation on a good note and promised to stay in touch so I know I should leave it there but I so want to message him again. I'm honestly not looking for anything to happen (don't really find him that attractive any more) but for some reason I want to keep the conversation going. I've been checking my phone every 5 minutes ever since like a stupid teenager Blush.

Would it be so bad if I messaged him again?

OP posts:
Aedh · 15/12/2016 22:14

Hmmm. I'm still in touch with an ex but we consider ourselves as mates now. Occasionally text, meet once every year or two. Sometimes with others rarely on our own.
But where do you see this going? Tread softly.

Belle89 · 15/12/2016 22:19

Would you be happy to show your husband everything you have discussed? Flattery is lovely and makes you feel great especially if things have slipped in a long term relationship. But think of the effect this could have and hurt from a few innocent messages

Belle89 · 15/12/2016 22:20

This ex is coming out of a relationship and feeling low. If you continue to message him you may encourage him to read more into it all

Lilacpink40 · 15/12/2016 22:25

He has nothing to lose in flattering you, you have something to potentially lose if this continues.

Are you worried about the potential loss? You say you're "happy enough if not exactly setting the world on fire, much as you are after that long". Can you work on marriage?

Summerlovinf · 15/12/2016 22:28

You enjoyed one day of indulgent reminiscing...call it a day at that. You're playing with fire by starting up a relationship with him at this time when he's just broken up with someone.

Original poster
NeonPinkNails · 15/12/2016 22:43

I'm not looking to start a relationship, no way. I don't see it going anywhere but it was so nice to feel special and know I meant something to someone.
Reminded me of good times and when I had options and hadn't settled down and become a middle-aged mum (not that I regret my beautiful DD, she is the best thing I/we have ever done).

I know DH loves me but it's in a sort of 'he has to because I'm his wife' way. I'm not sure how we could work on our relationship, it's not a bad marriage but has never been that exciting so not much chance of it 20 years down the line.

I don't see why talking to someone with no strings attached is wrong but I know it's not a good idea.

OP posts:
Assamteaformeplease · 15/12/2016 22:53

I could have written that post a few years back. Am still in touch with ex and have met up a few times since but always causes tension with dh as he doesn't trust ex 's intentions.
Just be very careful and don't start confiding in ex too much and remember there are reasons you're not with him still .. it's v easy to miss remember the past but if it was that great you'd still be together.

TheNaze73 · 16/12/2016 07:35

I think you need to look at this, as if you'd discovered the messages between your DH & an ex.

What would your reaction be? That's your answer

helhathnofury · 16/12/2016 08:41

Try to leave it at that. You've had a buzz, a high, and you want it again but once more won't be enough and then its a slippery slope.
Been there, done that....and was fooling myself that I didn't want something to happen. Eventually we met up and it was great and so easy together. Nothing happened beyond a kiss but it could so easily have done. We've now stopped messaging as things have changed at both ends, but I still miss it and crave that high.

My husband and I ended up in relate and things are getting there, but would really advise to stop this before it starts.

By the way it was a slow build so don't be fooled you will limit it.

AnyFucker · 16/12/2016 08:42

This is how it starts....

Original poster
NeonPinkNails · 16/12/2016 08:45

You're all absolutely right and I know I wouldn't be happy if DH was talking to another woman especially one he had history with. But it's true about the buzz/high - don't get many of those as a middle-aged Mum and it's really hard to turn my back on that Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/12/2016 08:48

It's not hard. Think of your kid's faces if you allowed yourself to take another step over that line. Then another.

You are at the point of entering into an emotional affair. It will all go horribly wrong after that

Find some excitement again with your husband or start taking steps to exit your marriage. This is not the way to make you feel better about yourself.

WynterBlossom · 16/12/2016 08:51

Hey OP,

As hard as it is, walk away now.
This happened with me a few years back & although it was generally chit chat on both sides, it turned into me hiding my phone...constantly checking for messages, I even started fantasising about us reconnecting.

Looking back now, it was wrong & unhealthy, I thought I knew what I was doing but now I realise I was going down a slippery slope.

Original poster
NeonPinkNails · 16/12/2016 11:12

That's exactly how I'm behaving now Blush. I know it's not fair to anyone to carry it on though.

OP posts:
Tenshidarkangel · 16/12/2016 11:34

This has just happened with me and I concur the tread carefully.

Time heals wounds, you forget the arguments and the things that really pissed you off but that connection/ spark/ Attraction that brought you together will still be there and that, in turn, could become you sabotaging your current relationship.
Don't hide anything from your DH and be careful.

AnyFucker · 16/12/2016 11:37

Ah. You have already crossed those lines.

This w

AnyFucker · 16/12/2016 11:38

This will escalate if you continue to excuse this behaviour on the grounds of you being bored and it's "too hard" to stop.

Cricrichan · 16/12/2016 11:40

I've reconnected with lots of old friends on fb and it's always exciting getting back in touch and you look for more news. But it soon settles down.

I don't think there's anything wrong with reconnecting with an ex after so many years and like you said, you don't find him attractive nor would you want anything to happen.

AnyFucker · 16/12/2016 11:41

I think op's last post gives the lie to that, Cri

AnyFucker · 16/12/2016 11:44

Op, you are thinking and acting like an absolute cliché.

Already it is clear you are justifying the steps you have already taken You "don't fancy" OM. Tell yourself that if you like but you do "fancy" the way sneaking about behind your H 's back and cultivating an emotional affair makes you feel.

Original poster
NeonPinkNails · 16/12/2016 12:37

Yep I'm not proud of myself for being such a sad middle aged cliche.

I'd like to tell DH that we've been in touch, just in a 'guess what happened' kind of way, then it's all out in the open - at this point I haven't done or said anything that I wouldn't be OK with him seeing. But I'm worried that he will use this to blame for any negative stuff that happens between us for this eg 'so that's why you've been so moody' etc when in reality the way I feel was there before ex ever got in touch.

OP posts:
helhathnofury · 16/12/2016 13:44

Your not a sad middle aged cliche any more than I was, and you haven't done anything wrong so don't beat yourself up. Its perfectly natural to think 'what if' and its flattering to know someone still thinks about you all these years later.
Just let that high fade away and recall it when feeling down, nothing wrong with having a daydream - but that's all it should be. Whether you tell your husband or not is up to you, perhaps if shoe on other foot would you want to know?
The past is often best left there.

SilkThreads · 16/12/2016 14:10

I've just been in this situation (although I am the recently separated one).

it's surprisingly easy to rekindle things, so be careful.

FurryLittleTwerp · 16/12/2016 14:15

I had an affair with an ex "the one" Hmm who rang one evening completely out of the blue, some 15 years after he dumped me & broke my heart.

I was at a low ebb - DH was messing around with a friend of mine & I had postnatal depression.

It was fantastic, so exciting, completely crazy, then he dumped me again, went back to his wife & died in strange circumstances Shock

Don't do it OP

sarahnova69 · 16/12/2016 14:20

The ex is just the foil in this.

You feel bored and unsatisfied, in your marriage and your life. And don't kid yourself, your ex is looking to start something to make himself feel better. Just as you are, if you're honest with yourself. But this isn't about him really.

You can take steps now to change your life. Try to reconnect with your DH or end the marriage, find a new activity that fulfils you, something that makes you feel good. Whatever that is, your ex isn't it. Down that road lies only a messy divorce and feeling even worse about yourself than you do now.

Block him if you can't trust yourself, talk to your DH, listen to yourself. You won't fill this hole with another man.